This is probably one of those things that I write that I wish would automatically self-destruct after being read.
One week has gone by... I'm not going to lie. I am miserable. I miss you.
That being said part of me contemplates starting over very soon, before you leave, because I'm not so confident that waiting 'til some other future point will ever materialize. But then there is this whole other avenue filled with a very different opinion.
I keep thinking about the way things have gone in the past couple of weeks. I keep coming to the same conclusion. No matter how much I would like it to, it's just not going to work out, is it?
I think about how you care enough about her that you wouldn't talk about me playing WoW, but that you couldn't return me the same courtesy. I think about how there were times that I thought we were building our own bubble around us, only to find out that you shared something with her or someone else. In the past week, it's like all I get is reruns in my head.
I answered a lot of questions last night, thinking it would make me feel better because... well, you know, the more I answer the truer the score. We went from being a 91% match to a 93% match, and in a ten mile radius, you come up on top. Well, unless I expand the search to 18-99, then there's an 18-year old you beats you. Go me!
I guess I just really don't feel like you understand my POV. I mean if the two of you are such great friend's then she would have understood a little neglect while you worked on us. At any rate why should I have to share all my happy moments with someone who couldn't get it right for herself. It's an aspect of things we never really talked about in all this. Like I want my kids to have an "aunt" who insulted their mother's motherhood. Yeah, I guess I will forever hold a grudge about that. I don't know why you told me about that in the first place, because you couple that with the conversation about parasites, and there are no points to be given. I've been extremely lenient in that arena, I didn't then and I won't now say exactly what I think.
Do you know what it's like to feel like you always have to be the one compromising? That's been my whole life.
I could state and restate everything, it doesn't change anything does it?
I'm so very sorry that right now in my life I feel very high maintenance, very needy, very much not feeling like sharing. Sorry about so much these days. I'm sorry that I can't change my own mind, but there hasn't been anything that has happened to tell me it's worth it.
I mean even with that whole being told something different. It wasn't a misunderstanding about Thanksgiving, everything you said right there at the moment led me to believe that I wasn't going to have deal with her. Specifically the difference that I was referring to was that you told her that you thought it was best if she didn't contact me until things cooled down, but you told me that you told her under no circumstances (thus to be construed as never) was she to contact me.
Is it any wonder I can't stop thinking you care about her more than me?
I know it's all futile, because unfortunately it all hinges on me accepting her and I'm sorry that I can't accept that you and your ex-wife are apparently a package deal. It doesn't help when you get all condescending and talk to me like I am five fucking years old like you did when you gave me that whole," I know you don't know anyone who has but...lots of people remain friend's with their ex" as if to say well, let's just not go there.
I wish you would have stayed. I wish you would have pleaded with me. I wish at some point in the last two months you would have stopped trying to be so damned diplomatic and just argued with me. I wish you would have done something that made me not feel like I was always going to be on the outside. But you couldn't, you chose to hurt me instead...
I wish I had completed that wall before I went to Tank's.