If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Sunday, May 7, 2006

It's like...well...I can't even say...

Well, I don't even know what to type today.

Tallying the votes doesn't even matter, because it's only what I think that matters. The problem is that I don't know what I think anymore.

I had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine.
I'm not ignoring what she said, I'm just not all the excited
to be able to see her point. What's worse is I had a conversation this afternoon that echoes the same sentiment.

Riddled in self-doubt is never a good place to be. Self-doubt complicated by not having an impartial sounding board is by far worse.

So, yes, I had my little bitch fit the other night on here, bemoaning the difference between 6 months and 14 months. Maybe it's more than that, and the fact that I don't know is making me crazy.

Admittedly, I have been purposely distant the past couple of days. It is the best defense mechanism I have right now. How can I talk when I don't know where to begin? How can I make any sort of good decision when my own Eight Ball is pretty hazy?

I feel very, hmmm, overextended lately. I'm not getting things accomplished that I want to. I know sitting here doing this isn't helping but as with words I don't know where to start working. Plus, there is the whole motivating the kid to help me. No energy for arguing today.

Arguing, though, is probably something I should do except for I've got enough of a back-up of aggrevations that once I start I might not be able to stop. I got tired of fighting because fighting never seemed to get me anywhere
but depressed and angry. I just started ignoring everything. But we've all seen the places in this blog where it's abundantly clear that I've got way too much
pent up inside of me.

I should go do laundry today, but the allure of vegetating on the couch is much too strong. I should organize this pile of crap in the corner, but the prospect of what is in there is daunting. So much I should do, always so much I should do, how come there is never time for what I want to do?

The past several days have been so bad for me I have been thinking about going to talk to my doctor. Anxiety through the roof. I used the pulse oximeter at work on three separate occasions at work Friday and never got a reading below 120. That's not really good. Thursday night, I was so bad that I could see my heart beating through my shirt.

I'm having a very hard time feeling optimistic about anything. I have my moments where I'm sure i seem okay but I can pretty much tell you I'm not. Even right now, my chest is burning.

I'm surprised I didn't totally stroke out yesterday morning at Build-A-Bear because I had forgot that my credit card expired and did not, of course, have the new card with me. I had to use my debit card which I didn't want to have to do, because well, I screwed up my checkbook pretty bad & well, I'm pretty much broke 'til my next payday.

If I could just get my head in the game I'd probably be alright. Which game though?

I'm off to the couch...or maybe the fort of blankets behind it.

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