If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Tales from back cell...

Back cell, my office, same diff. This place is only exacerbating some of my
not happy feelings the past couple of days.

For whatever reason, human nature maybe, I have been like replaying damn
near every day of the past three months of my life. Just wondering where I
went wrong, what I could have done differently. Oh it probably doesn't help
that I found some copies of stuff I wrote for the little book I made him.
Just me, saying stuff, but I'd kinda forgotten about it, just me blowing off
steam about her, a reoccurring theme.

And over and over everything I read it's the same. I can't find anywhere
where I ever said that I hated her. Or anywhere that said I was never going
to talk with her ever. I keep finding a whole lot of I could care less about
her. I keep finding a whole lot of me needing time. I realize to that I know
I complained about how horrible it was to be with Brian and have him go on
and on about Kerry. Now I am wondering what it is that I am lacking that--
here it comes again, tears.

I have been in a fairly foul mood most of the morning and it is only like
9am. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to come to work. As a
matter of fact the prospect of spending eight more hours here in solitary
makes me want to slit my wrist. Fortunately for me, my scissors don't even
cut paper. I just wonder when it's all going to change or if I should just
go see my doctor about being heavily medicated for the rest of my life.

So, I get my coffee, come here and I walk in 'n' clock in. Heading back to
my office, one of the receptionist stops me. She bought everybody presents
on her day off, she hands me a pewter, heart-shaped keychain inscribed with
"Dreams". I thanked her, and rushed off to my office so that no one could
see me cry.

Which is what I am doing right now...again! (The fact that The Church "Under
the Milky Way" is playing really doesn't help the situation.)

Shrug, I guess that's what I think for thinking that anything in my life
would change.

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