Back cell, my office, same diff. This place is only exacerbating some of my
not happy feelings the past couple of days.
For whatever reason, human nature maybe, I have been like replaying damn
near every day of the past three months of my life. Just wondering where I
went wrong, what I could have done differently. Oh it probably doesn't help
that I found some copies of stuff I wrote for the little book I made him.
Just me, saying stuff, but I'd kinda forgotten about it, just me blowing off
steam about her, a reoccurring theme.
And over and over everything I read it's the same. I can't find anywhere
where I ever said that I hated her. Or anywhere that said I was never going
to talk with her ever. I keep finding a whole lot of I could care less about
her. I keep finding a whole lot of me needing time. I realize to that I know
I complained about how horrible it was to be with Brian and have him go on
and on about Kerry. Now I am wondering what it is that I am lacking that--
here it comes again, tears.
I have been in a fairly foul mood most of the morning and it is only like
9am. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to come to work. As a
matter of fact the prospect of spending eight more hours here in solitary
makes me want to slit my wrist. Fortunately for me, my scissors don't even
cut paper. I just wonder when it's all going to change or if I should just
go see my doctor about being heavily medicated for the rest of my life.
So, I get my coffee, come here and I walk in 'n' clock in. Heading back to
my office, one of the receptionist stops me. She bought everybody presents
on her day off, she hands me a pewter, heart-shaped keychain inscribed with
"Dreams". I thanked her, and rushed off to my office so that no one could
see me cry.
Which is what I am doing right now...again! (The fact that The Church "Under
the Milky Way" is playing really doesn't help the situation.)
Shrug, I guess that's what I think for thinking that anything in my life