If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Sunday, May 21, 2006

After midnight, we let it all hang out...

Having spent most of my life as an amorphous shape shifter I find it hard to summarize myself here today. I could write a hundred words that I thought succinctly painted a picture of me, but by the time I was done it would be inaccurate. Or maybe not, because for all the changes I think I have made or gone through my friends still see me...
...a broken, unlucky clown of a woman. Everybody's laughingstock. The recipient of all the lies. The holder of a thousand pains that I hope no one else ever knows. Cursed eternally. always on the outside. Never, ever to be that one thing that drives someone to their own sweet madness.
One might believe that somebody gets used to sadness when sadness seems constantly taint all aspects of their life. lies, errors of omissions, misrepresentations, half=truths and other schemes they are all the same. what i was led to believe and what I figured out the truth to be, I'm a fool for even thinking for a nanosecond that this was going to last.
I'm willing to admit that i may well be completely delusional to think that I'm worth someone's time. I'm soo completely sober right now that all of my thoughts scare me that much more. I've been sitting here thinking about my life and all I have done and all I want to do. I'm thinking about so much that I can't even type fast enough. I'm looking at my past several failed attempts at relationships. The same conclusion keeps popping up, I should have really been a loser. I should have been that annoying, feeble-minded, vapid, clingy girl who needs someone to complete her, fight her battles for her, take care of her, push her around...you know that one, the one who my replacements, my foes, my nemesis always seem to resemble.
silly me i was a strong girl and grew into a strong woman. I don't need anyone for any of those things. Not even for wiping these tears from eyes. For that I will eternally find myself single. I'm never alone, I know that. I have a lot of people around me who love me and care about me and I am so grateful that they have all been there for me this week.
It would just be so nice if everyone could see me cry tears of joy rather than these same stale, bitter tears that seem to plague me.

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