If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Perhaps there is a move in my future...

I didn't realize this but Rachel has been reading my blog all along. Turns out when Rob posted to his LJ or whatever my little dilantin poem, she Googled it to find me. Heh, and she has the nerve to call me insecure.
He and I had a long talk to day, a fairly productive talk I might add.
I guess one of the things that he has asked her to do is stop reading my blog. (Tell me it's not tempting to get all crazy up in here right now.) I don't think she will. As a matter of fact, one of the things that he and I discussed my complete lack of faith that she will ever change in the ways that he has promised and quit being the needy pain in the ass that she is. Seriously, she's an adult her freakin' former husband shouldn't have to constantly counsel her through what is and isn't appropriate behavior. That was really hard for me, because if I could stop believing that I would have to hire security for my wedding or conversely have my reception interrupted because of some desperate plea for attention on her part, then I might be less reticent about the chances for a future.
I feel really horrible because he hasn't been sleeping well, and it's partly my fault. He'll probably sleep worse tonight, because productive doesn't always mean positive. I know my head has been in warp drive since our conversation.
To make matters worse, the pool decided to have the MIX station on today...sit in the bathtub and slit your wrist love songs.
What did my time at the pool reveal to me? I'm not going share all of it, because a few things were things I shouldn't even be thinking of right now. This seems to have totally escaped a lot of people around me, but I was in a relationship with the prospect of a 15-year old and 15-month old and I was okay with that. (I have had some serious issues with having another kid so close to my "parole" date. "Why would I want to start over if I am almost free?" I would ask.) I have no desire to roll to the next one. Seriously, there are so many times that even before the actual break-up has happened I have multiple rebounds lined up and ready to destroy. I turned off my IM on OKCupid because the first time I got on there after the break-up I was inundated and that's WITHOUT a pic on my profile. Nor have I gone to any number of places that I go to feel better in times like this.
There's no quick fix.
I'm just super confused that's about the only thing I know with any certainty.
And that probably I need to start scouting other locations for my blog.
Oh, and that if truly am as insecure and worthless as Rachel makes me out to be, then I would have stayed in a relationship that was hurting me.
I'm probably going to have a whole want versus need internal monologue all night. Maybe if sleep eludes me I'll entertain y'all.

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