Why,oh why!?

Do I have "too the extreme I rock the mike like a vandal" stuck in my head right now? "Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle"

 

what the hell?

 

That's right! "Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"

 

It would be funny if it wasn't so sad, or is it that it would be sad if it wasn't so funny?

 

I dunno, but I do know that "Conducted and formed this is a hell of a concept"

 

Heh, yeah, must find 'nother song to randomly get stuck in my head...

Root Canal on the #18

Yes, that was my exciting morning and all I have is this weird temporary crown to show for it :(

Work was boring. Work is pretty awful. I have been reading different things about how to know when it's time to leave (or when you're about to get fired) and I'll be damned it large percentages of this advice aren't applicable to moi. My most recent aggrevation involves tickets to the ballgame. Why bother asking me if you're just going to give them to someone else anyway? The manager and her little band of flying monkeys... capital Whatever!

Momentarily, I will be off to play darts at Kramer's. I realized earlier it's been almost 2 months since I went darting, maybe more. How horrible...

The storm knocked out the power (AGAIN) last night, so I didn't sleep so well. Oddly enough, because it was too dark & too quiet.

Off to darts....

T minus 30 days and counting...

I had an interview of sorts tonight for an admissions rep job at a tech school. The pay is the same, the hours are roughly the same, but I am pretty sure the satisfaction at the end of a day is much more substantial. I would it turn it down, but I much prefer something paying more. I've worked too hard to stay stuck under 30k my entire life. Keeping my fingers crossed that the city job comes through...

We are watching "A Goofy Movie" right now. This movie always makes me want to cry, and the older my daughter gets the more it hits me. Yes, it makes me Goofy but I'm okay with that :)

It's been forever since I've written because, well, I worked all weekend. Friday night was the Rendezvous All-Stars. Fairly decent smooth jazz artist from the Rendezvous label which if I am not mistaken is headed up by David Sanborn, so really how could you go wrong? Saturday was a benefit for Project READ, local bands, very low-key. Sunday was Blues Fest. Like 3 local bands during the day and the big show Keb' Mo & Bonnie Raitt. I worked 26 hours give or take. I'm still a little beat. Tan and awed by Bonnie, but beat nonetheless.

I don't work again 'til July8th. Thank God! I'm fairly certain that I will not be working there next year. I'm not all that happy about the way they do a few things.

Tomorrow probably darts. I have no idea what I am doin' for the 4th. Next Thursday, I'm gonna go see Dresden Dolls & Panic at the Disco! because well, I'm cool like that and it's okay for you to be jealous.

I heard "I Write Sins, Not Tragedies" on the way to my interview. I like them. They make me giddy with my musical taste of a sixteen year old.

In re:Mr.Benchley, the thorn in my side...

If I were to be inclined and able to burn a CD right now, it would probably have the following playlist.

 

Pure Morning-Placebo

Never Let Me Down Again - Depeche Mode

Waiting on a Friend - The Rolling Stones

One of Us Should Know - Bob Dylan

Show Me Your Soul - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Wildest Dreams - Moody Blues

Under the Milky Way - The Church

Follow the Sun - The Beatles

Long Distance - Iggy Pop

Gypsy - Fleetwood Mac

Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow

 

Maybe a few others...it's been one of those weeks. The good mood is still intact, but with an undercurrent of hmm.

 

It seems like every song I hear for the past couple of days takes me there, that place I want to ignore. I am mostly ignoring it. The old Jenny would have done a number of borderline pathetic things just to skim some of the good feeling off the top. I'm not saying I haven't thought about it. I just know that whatever starts always ends...the last time quite painfully.

 

I mentioned to Jordan that we might have a houseguest end of July. I expected she'd get pissy, even after explaining he'd be on the couch and in all reality only there when we weren't. How am I supposed to take it when she makes up a space behind the couch using a lounge chair and blankets?

 

Raising my eyebrows and getting back to work...

The Twizzler gods have smiled upon us...

I have been jonesing for Twizzlers, but I have also been trying to watch my junk intake so I keep passing them up when I am at the store. We just had a vistor here at work and they brought us a tub o' Twizzlers. :D  Mmmmmm, happy!

 

In other news, well, there really isn't any. Ordered new glasses for the kid last night, that was kind of fun. On the way there, I helped her change the words to "The Anthem" by Good Charlotte to fit the Horizon v. Adfunture daycamp rivalry. Good quality time, it was soo nice.

 

I feel like I have come out of the past couple of months a little more confident. Maybe a little more aware of what I want in general. I have something I should deal with, it's more apparent to me now than it ever has been before. My usual MO is basically accept and ignore. It's often easier to do nothing, to hide behind excuses and fears. I'm feeling pretty bold as of late and thus, feeling like dealing with it. In due time though, as this is something I can't half-ass.

 

Going to go ponder life without Twizzlers....

Lazy, rainy Wednesdays rock...

I love being preoccupied with certain quandaries in life. The last 24-48 hours has not been without minor bloggable incidents, I just don't feel like talking about all of it.

 

I knew the day had potential goodness when I heard Belle & Sebastian  Step into my office or whatever that song is called. I really like that song for all it's poppy goodness and innuendo. Then, I flipped on the music when I walked in my office and got the Indigo Girls "Closer to Fine" I've been hearing that song a lot lately, luckily I like them. My most prized possession used to be a bootleg Indigo Girls tape. So, musically it's shaping up to be a good day.

 

Then, "C'mon, C'mon" by Sheryl Crow starts playing. Being immersed in quandary, this is the most appropriate song. My friend that I was talking to the other night wants to come crash at my place for a few weeks so he can pick up some work.(Hence the "oh no he didn't"comment) I'm okay with him staying, it'll mostly be like he's not there 'cept when he magically appears on the couch...snoring. It's the when he leaves that bothers me. It's always the when he leaves that bothers me. It appears that we are both currently in similar states of pondering our relationship, life, and everything else.

 

I don't know if we could make it work, but maybe we should both stop being pussies and actually try.

Happiness and giddiness

Oh, my last lines last night, I was just taken aback by a comment made. Actually, the whole damn conversation was pretty wonderful...considering who it was with and whatnot. On a technicality, we might be co-workers soon, that'd be kind of hot. I drifted off to sleep thinking of things I should have typed. One of these days maybe we'll figure it all out. Sigh, it's so complicated, always has been.

 

I am in a great mood today. Not letting anything get under my skin! Had an appointment with my neurologist, he gave me some samples to try for awhile. I've been okay with OTC stuff, but he says that this might actually work better for me. Going to do the laundry that ate the bathroom tonight, mostly because it appears I may have a house guest in the near future and I need to get my house arranged to accommodate that possibility.

 

Want proof my disposition has changed? I have "I'm a Brass Band" from Sweet Charity stuck in my head. I so need to see that again. I worked costumes for the Otterbein College production in '95. I like that musical and it's somewhat fitting to my life. Maybe I'll see if I can find the soundtrack at the good ol' library.

 

I stayed up too late. I'm feeling silly.

 

Hmm, I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

But I like it...

I'm digging putting pics up here. I don't know breaks it up a bit. Plus, I have a ton o' pics from Disney to choose from, so what the hell, why not!

So, I may have mentioned my hopes of starting a new life after vacation. Ok, maybe not a new life, but definately making changes for the better, so that I can stop waking up in these unbecoming situations. I have to admit for a little bit in the past 24 hours, I doubted my ability to stay focused. I doubted that this would turn the way that I hope it will, but then like some glorious classifieds shower I found quite a few jobs that interest me. Like the kinds I have been looking for since I graduated college...and now I can say that I have sent resumes to about 10 different positions that don't suck like billing :)

I have tentative plans for my free Friday now. I am going to work the show. Although, we'll see how I feel after all of this because even before I picked up Friday, I was going to be working (total both jobs)12 days straight with the possibility of it being more because the July schedule is not up yet. I think working is my boy replacement, it's definately more satisfying that most of my relationships have ever been.

Crossing my fingers that one of these jobs pans out, and asking everyone else to send me all the good mojo they can for this. Several of them would mean not feeling like I have to work multiple jobs and sell all my earthly posessions to stay afloat. Quitting my current job would make me so happy that my head would probably split in half from size of the smile.

Welp, someboy has graced me with the honor of his IM and so I must bid you adieu. If only because I'm tired and he requires a great deal of energy to adequately adore,ignore, and filter. Oh my, oh no he did not... I'm still smiling.

One Two Cha Cha Cha Three Four Cha Cha Cha

Sitting here, trying to kill time before we go over to my parent's for some Father's day hubbabaloo. Always a good time. Always some sort of food mishap, usually involving flying potato salad, to make everyone laugh.

One of the good things in the stack o' mail waiting for me when I got home was an application for a job I had sent my resume to. Filled it out and took it to the post office this morning. We took the dog with us, and stopped at the park for a little while. If the dog hadn't been with us I think I would have stayed at the park longer...

I have had the most fantabulously bizarre dreams for the past two days. An amalgam of the Florida experience and every loose end in my life.

I realized earlier that I haven't really been out in awhile. There's some shows Saturday night, but alas I have to work. Actually, there may be some options Friday night as my daughter has already made plans to go hang with Gram & Pap. I'm thinking I need to buy some summer big girl shoes and a cute sun dress. I'm thinking that I might just go hang by myself at some undisclosed, unexplored location.

Besides the drudgery of work, my plan for the week involves selling CDs, books, and whatnot. Contrary to smart ass remarks made about that plan, I have no intention of going to that one place where that one guy works. I have better things to do than chase men who don't deserve me. Hopefully, I'll be able to move on to the next step which is slapping some of my dolls 'n stuff on Ebay.

Working hard today on NOT pondering why it is that I have never been the girl to set someone's world on fire...

Welp, I've killed a sufficent amount of time. Talk at y'all later!

Please wait until vehicle becomes to a complete stop...

Well, I'm back!

All in all, it was a pretty good trip. We did so much, it's no wonder I have blisters on the balls of my feet. Even with all the rain that Alberto dumped on us Monday and Tuesday we were able to do a lot of the things that we wanted to do. Jordan is already talking about next year when we go...



It was nice to have no worries for a whole week. I even ended up spending way less money than I had anticipated, which is a very good thing.

It's not to say that I didn't contemplate or ponder. I had a lot of thinking time. Even though I travelled with my daughter, she's not a huge conversationalist, especially when utterly engrossed in the magic of Disney.

I got to have lunch with an old friend of mine at House of Blues. I look good in the Bootsy Collins glasses. How do I have a life where I have a friend who is friend's with Bootsy, but I can't get bums on the street to talk to me? It was nice tho, didn't think that I ever see them again for various reasons. After lunch, my head definately kicked into high gear. The culmination of all these thoughts is that I now have Liz Phair's "Polyester Bride" stuck in my head. Especially the "should I bother dating unfamous men", somehow it's all fitting.

So, here we go back from vaca and ready to change my world. Truthfully, it feels like the events of the last several months happened eons ago. I feel so far removed from all that ickiness.

Out of Office Assistant

Well, here we are, tomorrow at this time I will be in Florida. And this will be my last entry 'til I get back.

 

Everything is packed and ready. Just have some household things to get taken care of before I go over to my parent's tonight. I'm wondering how this early flight is going to work with Jordan.

 

As is often my luck, we now have the first named Atlantic storm of the season, Alberto. Looking at weatherunderground.com and it's looking like they are calling for clouds and rain just about everyday we're going to be there. It really sort of sucks. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but you know....

 

Maybe this is just how it is supposed to be for me.

 

I've been thinking about that a lot. Especially since I'm listening to songs with lyrics like,"She don't need a thing, she don't need saving or a lay/She's got all the friends around and you can hear them say:/He's not into you he's into the idea of?"  (She Wants Revenge "Red Flags and Long Nights).

 

I think what really trips me up...nothing I wanted was unreasonable. I meant so much that it was repeatedly ignored. It doesn't matter now.

 

Okay, I have got to get stuff done so that I can go on vacation and start my new life when I et back.

There's something to be said...

...for hard work. I've worked 12 hours today. Ok, the first eight were mind numbing, but after the 4 at my second job I should so be exhausted. I'm not.

 

Okay, a little tired maybe, but vaguely energetic.

 

I really enjoy my other job. I was IMing with one of my friends seconds ago, he has worked there as a tech and was wondering how things were going. At first he thought my answer meant that I hated it. I had to explain that my problem as I see it is that I go into "show" mode.

 

Example: I worked the SW gate tonight. I was a bander. I have new respect for everyone who has ever (to my disdain) banded me. We had a decent set-up, but these chicks I was working with aggravated me because they had no flow. People don't want to get held up with the unpleasantries of crowd management they want to go to the show. Ooh, and there was this one broad that kept putting them on too loosely. And I'm pretty sure that there were several people who got banded wrong as in underaged and banded for drinking. Lucky bastards :)

 

Alas, I don't work again 'til the 24th :(

She's gone from suck to blow...

If ever there were a time to invent a word that went beyond suck, it would be today.

 

Work...it is the yet un invented word...There are no slopes or curves. There is never a build-up. I just do my job, and a damn fine job at it if I may say so. I have been working my ass off trying to see if I can get my days in A/R lower than 35.2. 35.2! That is a ridiculously low A/R! That is 10 days lower than it was when I started! That is a lot of eye strain and unpleasant conversations! So, when my manager walked in today and proceed to tell me that our numbers weren't good---deep breath. It's fucking ridiculous I am the only rep at our office, I can do a lot but I can't do it all. Charges are up, thanks in small part to my aggressive coding and ability to realize the morons out front routine fail to mark things on the fee ticket. Payments last month were up about 10k over the previous month. I have cleared a whole lot of old accounts. I have appealed accounts that were denying as provider responsibility and been successful in getting paid.

 

Don't fucking tell me I'm not doing my job!

 

I had my review like 2 months ago, if I wasn't doing my job I would like to think that they might have mentioned it in my review, rather than evaluate me as exceeding expectations on all categories. Bullocks!

 

There have been several issues in the past like this, and I'm so tired of not knowing what to do because the answer changes.

 

Does it make me want to work harder? Fuck no, I've given and given and given and I can't do it anymore.

 

I have two days 'til vacation, then nine whole days away from that place. Upon my return, I am going find a new job. Worse comes to worst, I'll strike a deal with my old boss (who has within the last few weeks offered my old job back). I'm getting out of there, and the faster the better.

 

In other news...ehn, nothing really to report.

I've got twisty face...

Or pensive, gnarled face. Whatever you want to call it, it sucks.

 

Don't take that to mean that my good mood is gone. It's still well intact.

 

Today I got an "I Make a Difference" award at work. (Read as a check I didn't have before.)

 

So we spent some time tonight with my aunt & uncle that I haven't seen in like forever. This is the reason for the deep thought. Actually, it's not really that deep.

 

The word I am looking for is neither regretful nor remorseful. I'm not sure what it is. It all ties into the good mood which I dare say is freaking a few people out.

 

Or perhaps, I am just crazy. Trust me that thought has not escaped me.

 

BUT didn't I say I felt like good things were coming. I mean I was a little worried about funds for the trip and well, basic survival and I got that check.

 

I'm not going to go out on a limb quite yet and say that maybe, just maybe I've finally burned off all that bad karma and can finally get on with live. I'm more than a little certain that there are people that would disagree with me on that.

 

We'll see I guess...

I ponder the world should consume the sky...

If the subject made you laugh like a spider monkey on nitrous, then you were probably at the Governor's Summer Institute @ the U of Toledo in '91. Otherwise, you probably just think I'm odd.

 

I'm running into packing difficulties, mainly of a difference of opinion with my daughter nature. Who knew that she had her own ideas about what should be in the carry-on vs. the bags that are magically supposed to show up at our room! We have a little time to sort it all out, and luckily if things get to hairy I can just wait 'til she goes to bed.

 

Poked around looking at jobs tonight. I think regardless of what I find I am still going to be in the position that I am going to need a second job for awhile, perhaps the rest of my life. I thought about talking to a friend of mine who runs a janitorial company because nearly all of their jobs are after normal business hours. Jordan is still adamant that I work at KFC. Shrug, maybe it's my destiny.

 

I had a hard time making coffee today. I feel guilty using the percolator. Sure, it taste better than the crappy little four-cupper, but well... So odd the way we attach feelings to inanimate objects.

 

Not sure why everything seems so calm...why I am so very "zen" about everything all of the sudden...and positive to boot. What amplifies the strangeness is that no substances have been abused in the making of this mood. I dig it, don't get me wrong, it's just suspect that's all.

 

I'm trying to figure out this whole week. I have to work my second job Thursday night. One night this week Lynn and I are gonna try to get together, for which Jordan is really happy because she loves Lynnie's birds. At some point this week I'm going to have to deliver the rest of the cookie sale stuff. My luck it will come in Thursday thoroughly complicating my life. I was going to try to drop by to see some relatives this week, too.

 

So much to say...no one to say it too.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

I have no idea what that means...

 

So the Style Network is going to be my downfall this month...pretty much nothin' but weddin' shows. Yeehaw! I don't really know that I want to get married anymore. Maybe I'll just become a wedding planner.

 

Been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I'm not so sad about things anymore. In hindsight, maybe I should have been like those other girls who weren't giving him a chance. It definitely would have saved me a lot of grief. In retrospect, there is a lot I should have done differently.

 

It's just one of those things, I guess. I mean it doesn't feel like I can go backward. It's complex to explain, but I can't imagine that I would ever NOT feel like I was always on the outside. It's a safe bet that I would be subjected to so many eye-rolling conversations that my eyes would eventually just roll out of their sockets. I keep thinking about things that were discussed in our last real conversation. I wish I had been quicker in thinking about how you can't make promises for other people because well you can't. I won't say that exact words that came out of my mouth regarding it all, but it's safe to assume that it can't be guaranteed.

 

The other thing with going backwards is that it's fairly impossible. I mean I'm not ever going to be the same person that I was on March 19. Sure, maybe the core is the same, but I've already changed since then and so...  Trust me, I think the cost of admission just got higher. It's probably only going to "get worse" as I'm got a number of self-improvement type projects in the mix.

 

As an aside, I find myself laughing about some things outside of relationships. I don't know what prompted me to start thinking about it, but I was thinking about sort of feminist sort of ideas, or more specifically a lot of the women I have come in contact with who claim to espouse them. Maybe there's just a bad lot around Dayton, but I'm going to have to do some rereading to figure out why there are so many bisexual codependents floating around this town that think they are better than me because they listen to NPR, chose to be childless, and buy into systems of helplessness. There are a couple of people that come to mind, and actually a whole lot of completely disparaging things I could say about them all. When I was younger, I used to let them get to me. Me, the unabashedly hetero single mom. For the most part I stopped paying attention, because they all seem to be caricature of a type they we're all trying to hard to be.  This week I was thinking about all that I have. All that I got through my own independence. All the things I have yet to achieve. The strong girl that I am raising into a strong woman. It's hard to not think that I am better than them. Some night, I'll type it all out here for everyone to see. Really, there have been some pretty hard times, times when I could have made my life a whole lot easier by latching on to someone and sucking them dry. Blame my family, no one ever told me that I couldn't do it on my own.

 

i'm thinking of an elton john song right now, any guesses? :)

 

Alas, it's late and I should go to bed. Lots to do tomorrow. And the next week for that matter for the big Disney trip is just days away... 

 

 

Just a song before bedtime...

So, I've heard it a bizillion times I'm sure, but something today made it sound extra wonderful.

 

I'm sure it is less about the riff and more about the lyrics.

 

Although, I don't really feel fine, but I was excited to see that I can get several videos (including this one) on demand. Woohoo, it's like MTV for my soul.

 

Hmm, is that a good thing?

****

"DOA"

Foo Fighters

Oh you know I did it
It's over and I feel fine
Nothing you could say is gonna change my mind
Waiting and I wait at the longest night
Nothing like the taste to sweet decline

I was down, I fell, I fell so fast
Dropping like the grains in an hourglass
Never say forever cause nothing last
Dancing with the bones of my buried past

Never mind there's nothing I can do
Bet your life there's something killing you

It's a shame we have to die my dear
No ones getting out of here, alive
This time

What a way to go, they have no fear
No ones getting out of here, alive
This time

Finished, I'm getting you off my chest
Made you come clean in a dirty dress
A promise is a promise you kept in check
Hard to cross a heart that beats it's best

Take a good hard look for the very last time
The very last one in a very long line
Only took a second to say goodbye
Been a pleasure but the pleasure's been mine, all mine

Ain't no way, DOA
Ain't no way, DOA

It's a shame we have to disappear
No ones getting out of here, alive
This time
This time
This time
***

 

 

Surprising it took so long...

So, I had a Rob-Rachel-Jenny dream last night, first one and hopefully the last.

 

That being said, despite being exhausted, I did not sleep as well as I had hoped and I'm feeling spacy today.

 

Ah, the warped beauty of the manifestations of the subconscious mind!

 

At one point in dream Rachel and I were arguing and there was shiny,gleaming broken glass strewn all around us. Broken glass apparently signifies a change in your life, and apparently if it's sparkly it's a good change. Fighting seems to be an indicator of change, too. Although, in this case it could just be wishful thinking. :)

 

There was a whole bunch o' stuff in that dream that makes me wonder why I didn't have it sooner.

 

I'd look up some more of the highlights, but as I am at work all of the good dream dictionaries are blocked. Granted, it doesn't take a genius to figure out what some of it means.

 

Looks like there is an early bedtime in my future. Maybe I can will myself to dream about something better than Rob & Rachel tonight. Or just not dream at all, after all dreams just tend to make life that much more disappointing.