If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

I have no idea what that means...
So the Style Network is going to be my downfall this month...pretty much nothin' but weddin' shows. Yeehaw! I don't really know that I want to get married anymore. Maybe I'll just become a wedding planner.
Been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I'm not so sad about things anymore. In hindsight, maybe I should have been like those other girls who weren't giving him a chance. It definitely would have saved me a lot of grief. In retrospect, there is a lot I should have done differently.
It's just one of those things, I guess. I mean it doesn't feel like I can go backward. It's complex to explain, but I can't imagine that I would ever NOT feel like I was always on the outside. It's a safe bet that I would be subjected to so many eye-rolling conversations that my eyes would eventually just roll out of their sockets. I keep thinking about things that were discussed in our last real conversation. I wish I had been quicker in thinking about how you can't make promises for other people because well you can't. I won't say that exact words that came out of my mouth regarding it all, but it's safe to assume that it can't be guaranteed.
The other thing with going backwards is that it's fairly impossible. I mean I'm not ever going to be the same person that I was on March 19. Sure, maybe the core is the same, but I've already changed since then and so...  Trust me, I think the cost of admission just got higher. It's probably only going to "get worse" as I'm got a number of self-improvement type projects in the mix.
As an aside, I find myself laughing about some things outside of relationships. I don't know what prompted me to start thinking about it, but I was thinking about sort of feminist sort of ideas, or more specifically a lot of the women I have come in contact with who claim to espouse them. Maybe there's just a bad lot around Dayton, but I'm going to have to do some rereading to figure out why there are so many bisexual codependents floating around this town that think they are better than me because they listen to NPR, chose to be childless, and buy into systems of helplessness. There are a couple of people that come to mind, and actually a whole lot of completely disparaging things I could say about them all. When I was younger, I used to let them get to me. Me, the unabashedly hetero single mom. For the most part I stopped paying attention, because they all seem to be caricature of a type they we're all trying to hard to be.  This week I was thinking about all that I have. All that I got through my own independence. All the things I have yet to achieve. The strong girl that I am raising into a strong woman. It's hard to not think that I am better than them. Some night, I'll type it all out here for everyone to see. Really, there have been some pretty hard times, times when I could have made my life a whole lot easier by latching on to someone and sucking them dry. Blame my family, no one ever told me that I couldn't do it on my own.
i'm thinking of an elton john song right now, any guesses? :)
Alas, it's late and I should go to bed. Lots to do tomorrow. And the next week for that matter for the big Disney trip is just days away... 

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