If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Truth or Dare...

Truth is I am scared.
They say the truth will set you free but I've yet to believe that.
So what happens Wednesday when I find out what's wrong me?
I don't have anyone to lean on. There's nobody gonna be there to wipe away my tears. Hell, there's no one here right now to do that. What's going to happen in the next 4 days to change that?
This wasn't how my life was supposed to turn out. I was never supposed to get to the age where you have to frickin' pull teeth to get people to want to be with you.
What's wrong with me that no matter I do or try or say nothing changes? It's always just me...and Jordan. Me suffering through everything alone.
What makes it worse is that every time I start to think that maybe things are going to be different... god, I'm crying soo hard now that I can't hardly see the screen. My chest hurts too, probably the last bits of my soul being sucked out.
It's never taken me this long in my entire life to find something resembling a boyfriend. I've hronest to god never had this much trouble in my entire fucking life finding people to hang out with.
What makes all of that even worse a lot of time is the stuff my own kid says to me.
And what really sucks is days like today when even know a lot of it was really good, really normal. Sure I had my daydreamy and optimistic moments, but that's what happens when you spend the time cleaning. But then there I am at Target walking back to check out shoes, and pass the freaking cutest freaking shirt, freaking outfit in a freakin' 3M and it makes me total just wish that I had a reason to buy it.
I'm going to go drink and cry.

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