Too tired...

Was gonna say something but I'm too tired.

Seriously, tomorrow is my big appointment.

Been trying to get everything for monthend in.

Getting up earlier (or on time as the case maybe) lately.

 

So much to talk about...yawn...guess it'll have to wait.

 

 

If only work were as fun as drama club...

So we had a staff meeting this afternoon.

I had forgotten about it until Jess said something.

Glad I went.

It was a horrible meeting.

We are not getting our bonuses.

I've worked very hard to knock almost 6 mother fucking days off that god damned A/R.

SO much for going above and beyond.

Then we proceeded to hear about the numerous complaints

that our office has received.

Some very interesting and appalling things going on outside the "hole"

Stuff even I couldn't believe.

Then our manager passed out warning forms.

Everyone but me

THANK GOD!

But everyone has to write their own formal warning.

So now everyone in the office is on Step I.

(Including me, but for different reasons,

I was insubordinate. And it was well worth the punishment.)

It's all total crap.

I mean, not everyone was a party to the indiscretions.

Not everyone deserves to be on Step I.

I was having a reasonably good day until then.

I filled out an app for a summer job.

I wish I hadn't promised Jordan Florida this year.

In light of today, I would put in my notice tomorrow

IF I felt like breaking yet

ANOTHER

promise to my kid.

Sigh, had an email that was good for some smiling

after all that fun at work.

Granted, I think eventually he's going to have to figure

out that I soo am not the girl for him.

I mean jesus it's nice but

yeah

 

I finished the kabbalah book.

 

I guess people can't call me if I'm on the line.

Calls would be nice.

 

Lots of things would be nice.

 

how to get them,

that's always perplexing.

 

 

 

As I see it...

I never wanted to be a biller when I grew up,

  I only wanted it to pay the bills.

 I only ever got degrees in business

because there were no night art classes.

Besides day jobs always paid better than night ones.

I always thought that I would do this for a while.

 That it would allow me to sock away a little.

I guess I was too optimistic.

Art makes me happy.

Like when I decoupaged the entertainment center,

Pure bliss.

Just creative pursuits in general,

Always pull me out of the bitter Jenny

I have become to

The contented Jenny I once was.

How do I get back to what makes me happy?

I can't just up and quit.

Not sure that going back to school is the answer.

Still think pretty heavily about my shop,

all that dream entails.

But if I can't pay my bills now,

How am I even going to swing starting up something?

It would be great though.

I mean I know I had that whole thing written out.

The whole selling a lot of my junk to get my obligations

Down to a more manageable level.

It actually would have all flowed together.

But I want other things too.

Damn it, I'm crying again.

That house on Sagamon for one.

Jesus, it even fits in with other things I want.

I should just decoupage something else.

Something big so that I can escape into it.

I can forget about everything.

And just pretend that I have it all.

 

Truth or Dare...

Truth is I am scared.

 

They say the truth will set you free but I've yet to believe that.

 

So what happens Wednesday when I find out what's wrong me?

 

I don't have anyone to lean on. There's nobody gonna be there to wipe away my tears. Hell, there's no one here right now to do that. What's going to happen in the next 4 days to change that?

 

This wasn't how my life was supposed to turn out. I was never supposed to get to the age where you have to frickin' pull teeth to get people to want to be with you.

 

What's wrong with me that no matter I do or try or say nothing changes? It's always just me...and Jordan. Me suffering through everything alone.

 

What makes it worse is that every time I start to think that maybe things are going to be different... god, I'm crying soo hard now that I can't hardly see the screen. My chest hurts too, probably the last bits of my soul being sucked out.

 

It's never taken me this long in my entire life to find something resembling a boyfriend. I've hronest to god never had this much trouble in my entire fucking life finding people to hang out with.

 

What makes all of that even worse a lot of time is the stuff my own kid says to me.

 

And what really sucks is days like today when even know a lot of it was really good, really normal. Sure I had my daydreamy and optimistic moments, but that's what happens when you spend the time cleaning. But then there I am at Target walking back to check out shoes, and pass the freaking cutest freaking shirt, freaking outfit in a freakin' 3M and it makes me total just wish that I had a reason to buy it.

 

I'm going to go drink and cry.

 

Speaking of...

...uninterested guys. Ran into Adam tonight. Well, should really say saw him because ran into implies that I talked to him.

 

I didn't go out of my way or anything, but he saw me when I was leaving and waved...

 

Whatever...

 

Call me, duh!

 

Just thought that was interesting.

 

In a torturous sort of way...yeah, another thing lending credence to this idea that there is something wrong with me...

 

Boys really suck don't they!

 

I can't really say anything I haven't already said a million times about the subject.

 

And people wonder why I am so fucked up?!?!

 

Looking for the Professor and Mary Ann...

I'm not sure if I can put into words how I feel right now.

 

I don't know that I would call it sad or angry or I don't know.

 

Disappointed maybe.

A little bit.

I am the Sisyphus of dating, I guess.

Oh hell, let's just say everything.

 

I have had an old song stuck in my head. Remember Soul Asylum?

Remember "Somebody to Shove"?

That would be the one.

 

You’re a dream for insomniacs, prize in the cracker jacks
All the difference in the world is just a call away

And I’m waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I’m not alone
Yes I’m waiting by the phone
I’m waiting for you to call me up and tell me I’m not alone

Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
Yes I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me

 

I got a bit of a lecture at work about how if I don't

let anyone in then I'm

never going to have anyone.

It was, of course, unsolicited.

And I don't know why.

I never said I wasn't letting anyone in,

I only said that I was planning on stopping.

I said that I was tired of being "just Jenny"

and that if I felt that the circumstances were leaning that way

then I would simply stop talking to

whomever was the jackass who

was failing to see me as an option.

 

I don't mind friends.

But how many uninterested guy friends does a girl need?

 

Disappearing is much easier than being constantly reminded...

 

Always a first down conversion, never a touchdown.

 

You know what that means kids, Jenny never scores.

And frankly, the game's been at zero for way too long.

 

Surely I have some redeeming quality.

 

Who knows.

 

Who fucking cares?

 

I'm going to go to dinner and hope that Kramer's has enough alcohol on hand to

make me forget that I apparently suck.

 

Thursday...yipee!

Somehow, over the past couple of day I have managed to turn off the high-strung, neurotic part of me that I have grown to love.

 

It's really starting to freak me out!

 

I currently have no plans for the weekend. If nothing materializes, I might just concentrate on cleaning this place. I'm 'posed to be meeting someone for coffee. Yeah, coffee, but I'm not gonna hold my breath.

 

If I did that I would probably die, and I've yet to meet the boy worth doing that for.

 

Sigh...

 

Stupid boy in the IM screen making Jenny sad. Stupid Jimmy Eat World blarring making it worse. I think I was right to tell Lynn that he is my punishment for being me.

 

Remember what I said last week, well, apparently I should really consider changing my name to Gilligan.

 

Or start holding my breath for coffee :)

Mission Accomplished...sorta...

I am happy to report that I sipped on Vanilla Rum & Coke whilst sitting in a hot, hot tub listening to Bessie Smith and eating Little Debbie Brownies.

Albeit, reduced-fat ones.

Then I sat on my bed and read a few more pages of

The Essential Kabbalah

I have had the book for years, I've just never gotten around to reading it.

Then I got online, duh, how else would this get here.

I had a few IMs.

Another brownie.

Listened to some jackass on American Idol totally (IMO) butcher

"Father Figure"

A few more IMs

I think I stand by my previous comments of being out of my league,

Maybe not league, maybe just division.

At any rate, I still have to set up my coffee date for this weekend.

Okay, I should say patiently wait for that person to call,

because well, we know if I call things will get done.

I can't always be the puppetmaster, now can i?

Well, I'd like to be but that never works real well.

I still have that like from "XO" stuck in my head.

Haven't made a decision about the MBA yet.

Haven't a clue what to wear tomorrow.

Wondering.

Wishing.

Worrying.

Wistful.

Thinking about that horoscope a couple of weeks ago.

The one that said to pick the one I've never tried before.

I'm not sure which on that is!

Flyaway Minion is playing Southgate House this weekend.

If I only I had a driver.

I could drink away my sorrows

AND

create new ones at the same time.

From where I am standing

right now

at this

very minute

it seems to me that the

crux

of my problem is

that I have no clear

picture of who I am anymore

or at the very least I don't feel special

I feel very ordinary as of a few minutes ago.

So very smart, yet so very ordinary.

So I am thinking coffee at Java Street because it's cozy

And they've got a couch

And a TV

And Chess

And whatnot

And somehow I think I will seem like the most interesting person in the entire world.

God, that would be sweet.

I'd like that.

It'd be a nice change.

It's either Java Street or breakfast,

it all depends on what I can talk him into.

But no more of that tonight, I need to get some good sleep.

Heh...

Getting ready to leave work, it's nice to have my PC back. (It got maimed in the latest upgrade.)

I have been in a content mood. I shudder to say good because I don't know if I would classify how I feel right now as entirely happy, etc, etc.

Went to lunch with Jess, it surprised her I think. I needed to get out of here for a bit.

I'm trying to decide what to do this evening. I need to clean. I need to organize. What sounds really good though involves nothing...

No thinking. No cleaning. No cooking. Just kicking back. Maybe a soak in the tub.

If only it were possible :o/

Today I have Fall Out Boy's "XO" stuck in my head...

"Chose love or sympathy, but never both."

I would have been...

I think I would have been better to leave today at the Nin quote, but you know me. Totally unable to leave well enough alone...

 

I went to an informational meeting for an MBA program this evening. My head is a-swirl. That's a lot of money and no guarentees.

 

I also called the one and the other. Just got off the phone with the other as a matter of fact. It's made me feel a little teary. I'm not sad. It's just that the other as is as freakin' sweet as you could want to me. I'm not used to that. I'm holding out faith that the one will call back. I don't know why but I told Lynn last night that part of me felt like it was going to be like oh so many other times in life when the boy I like disappeared off the face of the earth.

 

Lynn thinks I should just pray that they have their kids on opposite weekend and have fun.

 

Lynn is a genius :)

 

 

2/21/2006

"When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with." ~ Anaïs Nin 

Too late to renege?

So, I bought some awesome shoes yesterday whilst I was out with one of the very same people I was bitching about. Yeah, I know I said three strikes...

 

I caught me a bit by surprise...really...

 

...so did the other one calling me...

 

Hmm...

 

It all remains to be seen what happens. I had a good time yesterday. I'm supposed to go out with the other one this weekend. When it rains it pours, eh?

 

I like this one. I have since day one. Granted, this one also intimidates me on levels where I am usually pretty confident.

 

The other one, well, there are some selling points, but I'm not sure it has long -term potential. It's nice to be barraged with compliments, but there a few minor details...

 

Anyhow...

 

I picked up my films today from my little trip to the ER last month. I can now say I've seen inside my head :) There was no copy of a report in the CT films, but there was with my MRI. They've all been lying or at least not being entirely forthright. There is a large paragraph where the diagnosis/impressions go. It doesn't say that everything is perfect. Although, thankfully, it doesn't say that I am dying either. It says that there is something inside my skull that is not normal and could be a couple of different things and that I should probably get shoved in a tube again in another couple of months to see if there is any change. Doesn't sound like a migraine to me!

 

I'm going to a different neurologist for my next appointment. That's why I had to get the films. I hope that I'll make some progress with this one.

 

 

Early to Rise

Sheesh, you'd think I would still be in bed right now. I got up at 7:30a. Right now, I am just taking a break from cleaning. Although, I could just sit so that I can't see the rest of the house and enjoy this one clean room.

Maybe I'll paint today.

Been thinking about everything I said last night. That whole mood has stuck. It's really not a bad thing.

Whatever.

It's just not in the cards for some people. But it's not like I haven't got friends.

Guess I just want to much. My expectations are unreasonable for this day and age. Life's too short to settle for bad sex and a mediocre friendship.

Whatever.

Shrug.

It's looking like a great day for shoe shopping or shopping in general for that matter.

I think it's time to really tighten the rein on the three strike rule, even if it means that it puts all the current players out.

It's not like they all weren't given plenty of warm-up!

Behold the power of fermented grain beverage...

I figured that drunk blogging would be better than drunk dialing, even I am only really drunk on a legal level. I would have to drink far more than I have to reach that level where all is lost.

 

What could I talk about where I am at now?

 

How bout how there is someone in my life that thinks that he is the fucking nicest guy in the worls, but really he isn't? He says shit all the time that indicates that he doesn't really know me like he thinks he does and that he is truly the absolute last man I should be with.

 

And what about Mr.WhereHaveYouBeen? Am I his ball of yarn? Am I filling the time between bad girlfriends? Will I ever pull him away from his geeky pursuits long enough to plead my case with leather and lace?

 

That's where I am at. what the hell is this where I'm like nothing to anyone?

 

I don't think I have mentioned it, but I have set the ball a rollin' to get my MBA. Whatever, you know. It's pretty obvious that nothing happens unless I do it my damn self.

 

makes it hard, when people who are giving me relationship advice are recommending an air of aloofness or whatever. All that gets me is uh, hmm...being everyone's little buddy. As a matter of fact, I think I shall change my name to Gilligan.

 

It's pathetic. Stupid boys going on and on with there I don't wants or whatever. And here I am not falling into that category, yet someone not good enough.

Maybe I am being unfair.

 

Whatever.

 

sure, an additional degree'll just make me that much more undatable, but maybe (finally) I'll gave enough of an income on my own that I won't care. And drawer full of  battery operated boyfriends to chase the blues away. Some picture, eh?

 

Lucky me.

 

I wish I was a pessimist. I would have never expected more for myself, and therefore would have never been disappointed. I wouldn't care that my lfe is abyssmally boring and ordinary because I would have never thought that it should be more than this.

 

I almost wish I had more to drink r9ght now because then maybe I could make some progress with some drunk dialing.

 

Not that it's worth my time. I'm go get my jammies on and throw on a movie or two and sleepy sleepy and dream about good stuff. Stuff I deserve. No balls of yarn or imaginary boyfriend, just happy stuff.

 

SO what I spend my next fifty years on this planet alone, it's really not my loss. I've got people. My people like me. It's not my fault the other are too afraid to see the fun that is me...

 

Whatever whatever whatever...

 

 

 

Sad night here...

My daughter's hamster died suddenly tonight.

It was horrible to say the least. She got Chico as a Christmas gift from my brother. She has taken excellent care of Chico. She's been a very conscienous hamster owner. She absolutely adored that little thing.

She came to me about twenty after seven because she had just got Chico out of her cage and was concerned that she was hurt, like maybe she got caught funny in the wheel. There was definately something wrong. The minute I said I didn't think there was anything you could do for a broken leg the water works opened up. I looked at Chico and I didn't think it was a broken bone. Poor thing was shivery and had very little coordination. I'm not vet, but I figured if we popped online we might find out a thing or two.

I told my daughter that I would hold Chico while she totally cleaned the cage and moved it to a place where we could better monitor the situation. As I was holding her in my hands, she kept walking off of one and onto another. I set her down on the keyboard tray so she could have a little more space to roam. I called my daughter because I wanted her to grab the phone book because I was going to call a vet.

Before I could even tell her what I wanted, the hamster had this totally huge seizure and was gone. Unfortunately, my daughter was standing right there. It's odd but you know exactly what is happening. You are watching death.

All of this is a span of less than 20 minutes, even if right off I had called a vet we would have never made it.

I can't even describe all that ensued next. She was bawling. I was futility attempting to resurrected the damn thing. I started crying. She was by this point hysterical. She did manage to ask if we could go to Gram and Pap's tonight to bury Chico.

So we had a nice little funeral at my parent's house where Chico is now buried in the front garden next to the bird bath. Since I had called to let them know we were coming, my dad modified one of the little ornamental garden stones to say "Chico's Garden" rather than "Mom's Garden". It was nice.

She originally had wanted to stay at my parent's house tonight. Somehow I managed to talk her into coming home. She seemed like she was through the bulk of the immediate grief. She was laughing even. Still sad, but laughing.

That all changed by the time we got home. It's killing me. I know it's normal. But to see you kid turn nihilistic at the ripe old age of 9 is a bit hard to swallow. She had been so upset tonight that she had a headache and her eyes hurt. Luckily in her anger when we got home, she wrapped herself up in the quilt on my bed and fell asleep.

She wanted a hamster so very badly. She first asked back in September. She read books, had me take her to all the different pet stores so that she could basically comparison shop. She drew pictures and talked all the time about her hamster and everything they were going to do together. She was supposed to get it at the end of October, but it just couldn't be done.

We would visit all the hamsters from time to time, and one day there was this Siberian Dwarf who had coloring like a dalmatian. Long story short, that was Chico. (Sidenote, Chico was actually a Chica.) It was kind of cute, my brother teased (God bless my twisted little family, he even put little tufts of rabbit fur into a hamster ball and wrapped it for her.) I was so impressed and surprised with the way she took care of Chico.

Who knew a little hamster could cause so much turmoil?

I hope tomorrow is better.

Actually today would have been great if the hamster hadn't died. I finally broke down and called to see about this MBA program I have been looking at. I finally cleaned my bathroom. I finally got the info from HR about tuition reimbursement. Sure I was pissed about some work related financial issues, but I have a semblence of a plan.

I just want the both of us to be happy. I'm so very tired of our life being like this.

Is that so much to ask? I don't mind a little something every now and again, but this constant barrage of shit.

It's no wonder I am not well.

In lieu of flowers, toilet paper tubes may be given to the rodent of your choice...

On the eve of Black Tuesday...

Impress your friends and co-workers and bone up on your VD trivia. I mean Valentine’s Day, but you know one thing can lead to another so you may want to look at both.

Last night, I started a new Sims family. It’s me and three people in my life. It’s kind of funny that without any intervention on my part one of the characters is a lot like their real counterpart. Kinda creepy really… It’s mostly for my own amusement. I am having a hard time getting them jobs that most closely match their own real life ones. I have a hard time managing multiple Sims so a lot of what has happened has been the Sims doing. Too bad I couldn’t get everybody together and test this is real life…

I don’t really care that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I have plans.

One of those days...

So, moments ago I had three IM screen going. Three boys. Three annoying conversations. Maybe it's just me...maybe I bring the ass out of men.

 

I woke up this morning thinking about one of them. I really try not to make it a habit, and I don't know what really prompt it, probably the impending doom of Valentine's Day. don't laugh, it's true. Sad, but true that this particular boy actually set the bar for some of my expectations.

 

And now I am sad. All the old stuff. How can two people never quite work out the way they want to? How come I still feel like this? It's been a longtime. Such a long time, and I believe I have on no less then ten occasions sworn that I will never speak to him, and yet everytime I seem to forget that I said that.

 

It's not even like anything he ever said or did was earth-shattering or complicated. He was just him and I was just me. No one else ever seemed to appreciate me (or at least accept me) the way he did. I wish I could find all of that in someone who wanted to settle down with me.

 

Maybe it's just my funk. There are options, but most of them seem like settling for less. That won't make me happy. I don't want to be with someone just to be with someone. I want to be with the person that understands why "OPP Binders" is so damn funny. Surely, there's more than one of those in the world...

 

Altered Transient States...

That's how I feel today. Not quite here, not quite there, not loopy, but definitely dazed and my hands are freezing.

So someone asked for clarification on a comment I made (and he knows who he is J ). The whole "could pay my bills if" comment I made. It just means that I get a sense that the particular person in question is on a whole 'nother plain than I am in that department. But it got me to thinking more and more which is always problematic, but hey that's me all over.

I should explain that in the interim of me writing those comments and now, I have had communications with both of the boys in question. One made me feel like crying, the other well, confused in a how do I respond to that way. The feeling like crying...well, I had actually meant to post something I wrote in the moment, and maybe I will later. At the time, it was just because my spidey sense was telling me things I would rather not hear. I've now come to this conclusion. It's in my best interest to stop talking to him. I volunteer way too much information to him, and it makes me vulnerable. Really if you think about it, I just would be the rebound off of the girl that messed up my chance in the first place. Woohoo! Sign me up...not. I like him, he unfortunately knows it, and I think he is using that to make himself feel better not to actually pursue anything with me.

The confusion with the other is just my not realizing how passionate he is about his interest. On one hand, that's kinda hot. On the other, uh, not so much but I am not so concerned about that I know how to handle that.

My left hand, especially my fingers, is so cold at the moment that if I touch my right hand it gives me a chill.

I'm getting ready to leave work. Jo has an orthodontist appointment.

Maybe I'll feel better after I leave, and maybe this will be the year that I finally get my Grammy ;P

Back in the saddle again?

Or not, I don't know. I want to get back to this thing called blogging, but I find myself just kinda blah.

It's not that I don't have stuff to talk about and bitch about and share with the class. I just don't find my heart to be in it these days.

Odd turn of events lately, eh?

So, for whatever reason I seem to find myself suddenly in weird triangle that I did not create (for a change). It started with this one guy who I was supposed to go out with a couple of months ago, but it never panned out. He out of the blue starts IMing me about two weeks ago. Telling me shit that I am wondering what makes me so special to get this confessional, and I took it as that. A one time thing, but I was apparently wrong. I have limited details,and therefore a limited opinion of the other. Well, except  for he's free flowing with the compliments, and almost doesn't seem real sometimes...

So between the two of them the first one seems to me the better match at least intellectually, and well, yeah he's pretty too. Even on shallow levels he would win, because he's older and could probably pay my bills if I could bend in the right ways (which I am not sure that I could do, because I don't know if I could ever be that adventerous). Yeah, the second seems like someone I would never date ever, okay, maybe not ever, but not for long. I suspect we play for different teams if you know what I mean. He's younger than me which is good for the ego and he's also pretty, but he's into some things that I think would eventually bore the hell out of me. And by into, I mean totally consumed...

I don't know, maybe Lynn is right. Maybe I'm just adding new balls of yarn to play with, and that's all either of these guys will be to me.

Sigh, I don't know what else to say....

I