If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Friday, January 13, 2012

Pave your own roads, but listen carefully to the directions

Feeling quite sure of this thought today.

There was a long period of my life where nothing fazed me and I always felt like I was on top of the world...the world that was my oyster...and that everything would unfold exactly as it should. Setbacks were just small detours and everything was a beautiful adventure.

I hadn't really thought much about that time or examined it much until fairly recently. A friend who has been a friend since almost the beginning of time made a comment that stuck with me. Paraphrased, When did you start caring what people thought. In the folk-lore of my life, there is an archetype of me as non-conformist everywoman...well, that's the best I can explain it. And sadly people have admired me. I say sadly because I don't think I have always been the best person to gild in gold.

The tarnish started to set in about the time I graduated college. 2001. School was done in June. I still didn't have a job by September which gave me way to much time to be affected by those events. Every step forward never seemed to be the right one. I had certain expectations of how things would play out and they didn't. It is actually a big contributor to my non-belief in goal setting and things of that nature. I planned my work and worked my plan and it always amounted to nil. It starts to feel really bad. It feels worse though when you start to construct your own vision of how other people must see you.

I am in a place now where I can admit that maybe things weren't working because I wasn't paying attention to the map, constantly overriding my internal GPS. I just really wanted certain things in my life. I really wanted stability because I felt like I had never known a day of solid comfort and stability in my entire life. Spastic, anxious, fearful, would pretty much describe me in my descent to despair. You can read some of that here if you go back far enough.

There is so much peace in accepting that you are not in control. I remember my puppetmaster days. I thought if I could manipulate the strings just right everything will fall into place. What I wanted though, wasn't even really what I wanted. There is no bone of my body that is passionate about numbers. I have the mental acuity to be good-ish with them, to be a coding queen and denial conqueror, but no part of that job ever felt like me. It was always like I was playing someone else.

I have really been mindful of the things that I do that come effortlessly. I play Iron Chef in my kitchen to the approval of anyone who tries my experiments. I write this blog. I write my Clever Container blog. But mostly I play... My job the past two months, I took responsibility for my duties but I never took it seriously. Every minute was fun because I made it that way. Or as Dorothy Parker is quoted as saying,"Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves."

Relax. I am not saying to shirk on your responsibilities. I think it is important to recognize that many of us look at the things we most enjoy in life as luxuries. I will set up my craft room when the kids are grown. I will travel next year. I will take a class later. I would love to bake. I would love to play music every day. I would (insert your wildest wish here). I personally do really enjoy writing. I used to be a prolific writer of whatever would hit me. I blogged for years, had one active commenter and it never bothered me. Actually it felt like a great success. Take five minutes a day to do what you have been putting off.

Say you love music, it's your grandest dream to have a music studio in your house. Take five minutes today to set up what you have in an area you can get to it easily. Don't have anything? Take a little time and window shop. I use this example because it is my husband. When I met him, he had a small corner of his apartment for his computer, he a had a little bit of software, a couple of speakers, a bass, an electric and an acoustic guitar. That was 5 years ago. He is the best example that I have that the universe rewards you when you do what's in your heart. That little corner of his apartment has turned into an entire room of our house. It happened little by little but I must admit at times it has happened in the most incredible ways. The deals he has found. The trades that have come along. Heck, even this house, in a neighborhood where people are immune to noise (we have a high school and an outdoor amphitheater with a mile of us).  My husband listens. That is one thing I have always known. He believes and he listens and he is always rewarded.

Getting there is hard. It takes time. When we started dating, I was no where near as enlightened as I feel now. Thankfully, my husband saw something in me that made him stay. I remember we would get in great theological discussions. I really didn't believe in much of anything then, more than a little jaded. He could have been intolerant of that, but he never was. He most annoyingly would ask,"Do you believe that I believe?" He actually still asks that of people in his life who are struggling with the idea that there is something out there greater than them. I could only ever answer "Yes, I believe that you believe." I don't think there has ever been anyone who didn't believe in his spiritual nature. His answer to your answer is always then that your belief that he believes is a good start. (Not exact words but the gist)

Every body gets from A to Z in their lifetime. No two people do it the same, nor should they. Just start where you are today. Forget about yesterday. Don't worry about tomorrow. And listen to what's in your heart!

Since it's Friday, I thought I could get the weekend party started with this classic that coincides with today's blog theme. Have a fantastic weekend friends!


  1. very eloquent! I am a wannabee. Unfortunately I am very good at it. I wannabee a great cook, wannabee a successful artist, an equestrian, wannabee in a healthier shape,etc. You get the picture. But I let life get in the way, and I dont have enough focus. Sometimes the leap scares me. This writing was a great reminder that if I just take baby steps, I can be any or all of those things. Thanks my friend, you and your other half both rock!

    1. Me too. I've realized that very much over the past couple of month. Shape shifter is usually how I describe it. I don't think that it's ever been a matter of not knowing what I want, it's always fear. You rock too :)