I might as well be invisible...

...that's all I've got today.

 

 

Bedtime Story...

...not really just getting ready to head there myself.

 

Having three days off and then going back to work make it abundantly clear that the job does nothing for my happiness. If anything, it exacerbates my loneliness and my feelings that I don't fit anywhere. It's beyond horrible.

 

I don't feel much like talking. I came home this afternoon and took a 2 hour nap. I got a chance to talk to a friend of mine I hadn't talked to in awhile. I drank made up vodka concoctions out of my Dorothy Parker martini glass. Took a shower, and now I have a hankering to watch "singles" which is ironic because I really didn't care for that movie when it came out. The soundtrack is great, but it has only really been in the past five years that I have developed an appreciation for that movie.

 

I think wanting to watch has it's roots in Friday night...and my sadness...

 

Hope all is well with everyone reading this...

la cellule est morte

Or for those of you choosing not to live life as a piece of French New Wave cinema...

The cell is dead.

Not that it should come as any surprise to anyone, but if you want you can let out a "Quelle surprise!" who am I to stop you?

It was only 5 years old. On it's, I dunno, 6^th or 7^th face. Had no antenna, no send button, it was due.

What really sucks is that I got lazy and all my numbers were stored on there, so later today I am going to send a lovely bulk mailing to those whose numbers I haven't recovered from my memory. Actually, I might just send all so that I can clean out my address book while I am at it. I can get a few because I can look online at my log, but I'd rather bug people. Interestingly enough to are 2 numbers that called me in the past 3 weeks that I do not know who they belong to, no guess at all. I thought about calling them to see who they are, but I'm not that brave. Also, there are a couple from plenty of fish, that I don't want to accidentally talk to at all.

Speaking of plenty of fish, I completely deleted my profile there. Nothing but a hassle really...

So, they (my co-workers) got lunch, didn't ask me, pas c'est de surprise! Again with the chances and the not being asked, ugh!

I will be getting a new phone, maybe today, but probably not until next week.

Nose to grindstone...now...well, sorta J

364 Days 'til Christmas...

Man, I am tired.

 

So many details of Friday I wanted to share, but just haven't had the time to type. Not even so much the what happend, but the where all of this has put Jenny's head.

 

Christmas was good. Again tons o' details that I'm too tired to type.

 

Hope everyone had a good Christmas, too!!

 

I got a garbage disposal!! Woohoo!! One less smell to worry about here! I got good stuff. Always do, it's the weird syncrohnicity between my brothers and I. Or maybe just luck.

 

After Friday, I have been extremely pensive. Things that were said have stuck with me. Then, possibly having run into A1's girlfriend Christmas Eve. I am not entirely sure about it, but the weirdness of the vibe tells me that it was. Just thoughts. Just, you know... sigh, I think I said it best in an email I wrote to a friend of mine:

 

    

Did I ever tell you about this guy I met over a year ago. I really really really really really really fucking like him. Not just because he is jenny's kinda hottie, but because we had the most I don't the conversation, the spark, the very few guys give me this kind of butterflies...ever. I saw him last night. I know he saw me, there really was no way he couldn't have. Never really got in a position to say hi or anything, but I didn't really expect that I would. (He's in one of the bands that played, but he gets exempted from my rule about not dating guys in bands because I met him previous to the band. If that makes any sense. Besides, he said one of the nicest truest things anyone has ever said about me.) I just wish I could get some chance now that some of the previous uh complications are out of the way. Just to hang out and see what these butterflies are all about. But without resorting to beong very Alice-like and stalking him, it's just not going to happen.

 

It seems like I can never be where I need to be to make the things I want to happen happen. It's making me very sad today and I find myself wishing I could be some other type of girl than what I am because maybe it'd be better than being me.

 

Boys are stupid.

 

I'm sure he appreciated the boys are stupid comment.

 

I don't care. It may sound like giving up, but it's not. Just you know, que sera sera. You know were life stood Friday was that I had one remaining viable crush, I haven't really met anyone else or whatever. Today, I have one remaining viable crush. The downside is that he's going to stay there probably indefinately :(

 

Any ideas for new years?

Christmas Bells Ain't the Only Thing Ringing...

So yes I made it to Elbo's.

 

It rocked. Musically I was not disappointed. Not that I expected to be, but sometimes here in D'town things get a little bit hyped and I end up feeling sorta gyped.

 

I was disappointed that what I had seen earlier in the day listed the cover as $5, but when I got to the door it was magically $7. Shit like that just bugs me.

 

I went into the night feeling pretty damn good, got a space on the street by the club. Got sweet seat at the bar. When the DJ started spinning he played, you guessed it "Christmas in Hollis" I felt like I was meant to be there.

 

Socially it was less than desired. I saw the object of my crush, and I really don't want to talk about it. I'm going to try to hold on to my crush a little longer. See I told you he'd have a girlfriend!

 

I really must find out what the male obsession with short chicks is, because it's really FUCKING annoying. Actually, I think FUCKING is an understatement.

 

My eyes are burning. My ears are ringing. I'm tired and reek of smoke. All in all a good time... I just wished it had something spectacular happen.

 

I am off to bed...

 

 

Christmas Songs I never get tired of...

The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping

The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight)

Elmo & Patsy - Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Tom Waits - Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis (Maybe not really a Christmas song, but hell, it's got it in the title)

Run DMC - Christmas in Hollis (How come I never hear that on the Muzak?!)

Traditional Hymn - Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence (Don't be so shocked, my souls not entirely black)

The Pogues (featuringKirsty MacColl) - Fairytale of New York (I never, never, NEVER get tired of this song. If I had to make a list of all time favorite songs, this song would make that list. I love the Pogues, and really miss my old tapes.)

I guess that would be a start. There are so many Christmas songs in existence that it makes you wonder why only the same five are played over and over 'til I feel like driving candy canes through my ears to stop the pain. I've been lucky enough to find a few CDs that don't suck. Right now, I am listening to Tom Waits rendition of "Silent Night" which will be followed by Jewel singing "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer". It's a surprisingly good CD. It also has Tori Amos, Pearl Jam, and Smashing Pumpkins to name a few.

Outside of the those overplayed renditions of those limited songs, oh and that freakin' stupid Red Shoe song, I am a vehemently opposed to Beatles songs (in general and at Christmas). I just think that the Beatles place in rock 'n roll history has been overstated. I'm not saying they didn't have a few good songs, I'm just saying there are a lot of other musicians and groups that have had (and still have) great influence on the scene. I guess I have just never really been able to buy into the hype, and if that makes me wrong, I don't want to be right. I don't want to be a merry little scenester talking the trash the Rolling Stone feeds me. And I don't care how many people claim the Beatles to be their biggest influence, the only band that has ever really even sounded remotely close to the almighty Beatles is Oasis.

But what do I know, I'm just the biller...

Today's episode is brought to you by the letter ARGH!!

This place called work. I need a new one. Desparately need a new one!

These are the people who drive me bonkers.

Not everyone is here, but this is my office, these are my co-workers. In case you need help, I am in jeans and a tiara (which felt surprisingly natural). This, of course, is from Halloween. (Another example of how I am kept informed of things here. First we were, then we weren't, lucky for them I have a lot of things I can improvise with.)

I am not going to ramble on about all that, all of that which vexes and annoys me. I might as well not be here.

It's days like this that really make me which I didn't quit PAG, even though Lynn says it's worse than it was a year ago.

Instead, I want to say a word about Jordan. Or better yet, ask a question.

How did I get so lucky?

She is not without her faults and idiosyncrasies that drive me to drink, but she's really a damn good kid with a big damn heart. She's pretty smart and pretty confident, and I have a hard time some days believing that she came from me. Then she opens her smart-ass mouth and I know she's mine J

I've been thinking about that all day. Thinking about how she wanted to buy me a new cell phone for Christmas, because it is something I really need. (I should get a pic of my current one up here.) Thinking about how, she insisted on going to Lowe's last night to buy her gym teacher a poinsettia and the look on her gym teachers face this morning when Jordan gave it to her. Or all of her comments last night watching Nanny 911. She cracks me up.

It just makes me wish even more that things weren't so sucky.

Skating away...skating away...

The subject has nothing to do with the snow or the ice or the cold, it just happens that I have the Jethro Tull song stuck in my head, and I have for about three days now. I tend to think that there is a reason that happens. A reason other than being plum crazy!  I could understand if it was like say a Fall Out Boy song because in the short time I have owned that CD I have played it to point of physical wear or any of the other things that I have played ad nasueam. I haven't actually heard that song in awhile, because I haven't really been listening to the radio or hanging out with my dad. So, I guess later I look up the lyrics and what gives.

 

I had thought of continuing the dream thing, but last nights dream was so disjointed. It does not help that I didn't sleep very well.  Congested kid sleeping with me. I put the dog in the kennel (which is in my room) so that she wouldn't destroy the food presents that are wrapped and under the tree. The cat decided that he wanted to dance in his cat box (in my bathroom), cough up hairballs, and whine about not being able to go out. It's a wonder I even made it into dream state.

 

There is no real news to report. Busy getting the last bits of Christmas together, and hoping that everything is going to work out. It's looking like I may not go to Elbo's like I planned because Jordan would like to go see the lights in Washington Township, and she informed me last night that The Ringer (starring Johnny Knoxville) comes out Friday. I'm not a huge fan of any of this work, but within nanoseconds of the preview I knew that it could be the kind of wrong that I appreciate.

 

I think if I could figure out how to make these next 5 hours less boring then I'd be in good shape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the winner is...

....RebelSaid for having the first official comment to my blog. I don't really have a reward, but you know you it should feel good to be first at something. I encourage everyone (or anyone) who happens to read this page to hop over to RebelSaid's page. I read a bit of his blog, and ya know people need to take notice of this
"One Laptop for Every Child" thing, because this will change life as we know it. I was reading about this before I got his comment, and it's pretty cool and it's gonna run on Linux. And if it really and truly materializes, then Windows would pretty much be shut. But what do I know, I am just the biller :)

 

Busy couple of days, so I have been remiss in writing. So much to talk about, though.

 

Friday night I dreamt that I was arrested. I had gone on my bank run at work and was detained and subsequently arrested. What made it worse is that no one at my corporate office would answer my calls, and what I was being arrested for I had no control over. I couldn't have ever rectified the situation in real life. The teller kept saying in my dream that they had sent several notices, well, in my dream as in real life all of the notices go to the corporate office. There wasn't any resolution in that dream.

 

Yesterday was a busy day. Went sledding in the morning. Then hung out at my parent's for a little bit before our show. (I have tickets to the Young at Heart series, and yesterday was Famous People Player's Blacklight Winter Wonderland. ) Got our seat changed because the people behind us have all the maturity of three year olds. Honest to god, if you have no control over your ability to constantly comment on the action, for christsake go to Blockbuster and rent a freakin' movie!! Then my parent's took Jo Christmas shopping for me, and I did a ton o' Christmas shopping. I'm usually a gradual shopper but this year I have had to wait until my paycheck before xmas to do anything.

 

Last night, I dreamt of A1 and his band and me going to see him. They were playing in Austin (Texas) I can't remember the name of the place but I went there when I visited my friend Rob several years ago. Somehow in this dream, I fell asleep at the table and woke up in an empty bar. Of course, when I woke up (in the dream) I was freaked because I was alone in this empty bar. I went to the john, and got startled by A1 who was walking out. We end up leaving together, but not before I have to beat the hell out of some guy who is trying to break into this place while we are locking up. I think I'd be afraid to know what half my dreams "mean".

 

Although, I can say that part of this is merely my brain scrambling truth and fiction. See, the week I met Adam, there are two distinct dynamics. The night I met him was the first night that I had been to the Trolley Stop that week. That was an excellent night. However, two nights later not so excellent, as I went there under duress, and my friend and I thwarted an attempted carjacking (our own). I haven't been the same since that night. So, like I said I don't want to know what any of it means.

 

Today was a good day. Ended up at Frisch's by the mall for breakfast, then Jordan and I did shopping and other Christmas stuff. Came home and wrapped and just kinda chilled. It was nice though, so nice.

 

I still really want to go to Elbo's on Friday, but now I am not so sure I am going to be able to swing it. (Especially if I have to go downtown alone which is something I can not do anymore.)

 

These past two days have actually had something I haven't felt in a long while.... hope. Or at least, an ability to slough off all the suckage that has come to plague me. I dunno... but then when do I ever?

 

T.G.I.F?

"There are somethings I can't report

        The memory of his last retort

But it was so much easier

        When I was cruel"

When I Was Cruel No.2

        -Elvis Costello

For some reason, I am into my second listening of the When I Was Cruel album today.  Actually, I think it is because I had a vision of my life as an art film short, and this seems the most appropriate of the CDs I have here at work. More appropriate would be somber violins, but since this would be an American film I think they should be fiddles, a somber, sweet bluegrass melody accompanying me through the silence of my day and on through to the credits. Seriously. I know I have complained of the sensory deprivation chamber on more than one occasion, but it's really more than just that which sucks.

People here act as if I am from another planet, or at the very least another country. There are a lot of times in work situations that I don't mind being left out, like when I was a PAG and people didn't ask me if I wanted anything because someone going out for you usually meant that you were expected to reciprocate in the future. There is nothing I hate more than doing lunch orders for 5 picky people. I've done it here a few times, god forbid someone's gets a taco that's hard or a burrito that's got onions.  This though is much different.

I notice that I am the only one without a Santa hat. I notice that no one (in power) said anything to me about the cancellation of the Christmas party. I notice a lot of things like that. I mean I notice the closed body language. I notice the blank stares when I say something, you know the whole maybe if we don't say something she'll just go back to her cave sort of thing. Eight hours a day of this, and did I mention the hum of the HVAC system slowly reprogramming my brain?

Did I mention that it is freezing in here?

I found some poems shoved in my desk drawer, so I figure I'll share them here. They were both written 10/31/05. The first is called Eulogy, the second is untitled.

Eulogy

If anyone knew how I felt about the world,

It was definitely you.

Well, at least it should have been.

God knows, I told you enough to fill volumes.

Had you actually listened to me,

Rather than always pretend, you wouldn't be here.

I told you months ago that I was tired of it all.

It should have been obvious that I was cleaning house.

The day I told Mr.Benchley where to go,

It should have put you on notice.

All I wanted

One night

A few hours

Delicate moments

It didn't matter where

I just wanted to see

All I wanted

A meal with someone

Who might wear something

Other than the same cruddy

Football jersey week after week

I wish this whole blog thing was working out differently. I wanted it to be entertaining like my friend Jon's blog was ( hansarde.blogspot.com ) but it just isn't working out like that...

More later probably, because I am sure my mail will bring something horrible... it always does.

Don't go where the huskies go...

What I wouldn't give right now to have a team of sled dogs! My piece o' shite Alero is on my last nerve. It's a great car as long as it's warm and dry, but cold and wet, you might as well stay home.

The car, just another of the things that seem to be not the way they should. I had a pretty bad night last night. Silly yet annoying things that just make me feel like the whole world is pissing on my head. Put into context though, one of my friends had a worse night and I really hope that things get better in her situation. It's rough all around anymore, that's what I've noticed.

I just hate this. I'm just trying to get some place comfortable, someplace happy. I want to feel like the past ten years of my life haven't been a tremendous waste of time and money.

But mostly right now, I want to go home. Well, or at least not be at work. I have shopping to do damn it!

I want one good day, and I want it to flow into two good days, and I want a good life.

So much to do, so little time!

Out of balance...

That's what I am right now this very second, sitting at work, $11.00 out of balance. It's bloody annoying, too.

It's been soo quiet today. Then again, it's quiet for me everyday. This dismal cell they call an office. Very little human contact, social interaction, whatever, it's a wonder I'm not completely mad!

Jess bought me a gift. Aww! Made me feel warm and fuzzy for a little bit, especially because didn't get things for everyone here. Not that I blame her, I've been on that should I or shouldn't I kick these past few days. People are just so ungrateful and I am just so poor. I saw some tins of cookies at Trader Joe's for two bucks. I thought I might go that route, but I haven't really decided yet.

I slept horribly last night. As I lingered in bed this morning, it was really frustrating the way my tired eyes hurt so bad. I ended up getting out of the house by like 7:10am because I put an offer out to Jo that if she was up and ready to go by five after we would stop at Tim Horton's. (She waited patiently in the car for me for five minutes in case you were wondering.) It was kind of a nice change. Tried something called a Hot Smoothie (minds up out of the gutter please) and it wasn't half bad.

So, December 23 at Elbo's is Holidayton. A ton of bands playing, very seriously thinking of going looks like a good time, honestly I think the last time I saw Legbone they were liquid. (Give yourself points if you laughed at that one.) And there is some others that I have heard a lot about Joe Anderl, Flyaway Minion, etc etc. Plus, I can wear my recently acquired "hoochie" pants. They really aren't bad by themselves but with the matching top, yeah that's how they got dubbed hoochie pants. It is also entirely possible that A1 might just happen to be there. Not that I would pursuit that on that particular night, but I do think that I should like very much to be in that general vicinity unleashing my saucy vixen side...if I can find it. Still a little undecided, though, as I would like some peeps to go with me and hang. Any one reading this really ought to consider going, I have never not had a good time going to shows. Truly horrible bands don't tend to get gigs, so nights out don't tend to suck.

Well, with that said, I am off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of snow turning to freezing rain right in time for the afternoon drive.

Yipee!!

Trails of tears...

I kid you not, I think I have been crying for three days now.

 

You know, like all of the sudden Saturday all the rejection of the past several weeks sank, and haven't been able to stop. Just trying to make sense of it all.

 

I emailed someone that I very nearly went out with recently, but then he decided to up and get a girlfriend before I ever got a chance. That's been odd, but none of it makes me feel better. If anything it makes me feel worse, because their were things going on in his life that I thought it would be best if I didn't put on a full Jenny pursuit. Apparently, I am an idiot and backing off only served to take me out of the running.

 

He said something about being positive and engaging, and I told him at this point I don't think it is possible without a heavy dose of thorazine  and a quick lobotomy.

 

Honestly, no one has taken a chance on me in the past why should the future be any different? Just because I want it to? If things happened just because I wanted them to, then my house would be clean and I wouldn't be stuck in this nowhere job.

 

All of my failures are just screaming at me now, and all I can do is cry. I don't know what else to do.

 

I'm mean it kinda makes me smile a little bit, words from a Green Day song, both the way they are supposed to be and the way I always mis-sing them. I can't  remember the song name but the line is "All that's left to do is take the blame." I, however, always sing (and have pretty much always sang) "All that's left to do is date the band."

 

Alas, if I only had time to do that maybe I'd have half a glimmer of hope left.

 

But no, not Jenny. Jenny gets nothing. Always has, probably always will unless someone can give me any freakin' insight into why exactly boys don't like me. And god why do I even care?

 

This is horrible, thick crying. Not so much loud or maudlin, just the kind of tears that even a quick squirt of Visine can't hide.

 

woo hoo!

What me unravel....

Or maybe born under a bad sign would be a better title.

 

So it seems to me that no matter what I try to do to affect my life and my feelings about it, the answer is always going to be this horrible life I have now.

 

In the grand scheme of it all being shot down by the banker wouldn't have hurt so much if I had any sort of luck in that department at all. See, this year hasn't just been about the disappointments with Spamboy. No, there's been more and many. This year has been about Spamboy, and how I wish even now, that he could have been everything I wanted him to be. It's been a year of creepy losers who think that the act of having my number gives them license to call me at 5 am the day after we met. It's been about my always complicated relationship with a certain male friend of mine, getting more complicated but still not being my happily ever after. It's been about how sometimes the crush is better than the person actually is, alas ending the "Where's Bert?" game. It been about wondering why people are so much more content to give false hope than to simply say they have other interest. It's been about giving online dating one more try, and finding how truly delusional some people are and wondering when asking about my underwear became such a popular topic. It's been about finding out that despite signs to the contrary some crushes will never be more than that.

 

On top of the rejection on an interpersonal level, I find that I have once again been turned down for a better position.

 

It's the story of my life, really.  I don't know why I have been crying so hard about it for the last three days.

 

Who cares, right? It's not the first guy or job to turn me down, but I've really started to run out of energy to care.

 

You know, maybe those guys that I really don't want to date because well, there are a multitude of reasons. Maybe I just give in. Maybe I just start taking every anti-depressant and anti-psyhotic known to man and just throw in the towel.

 

Seriously, if no one else cares why have I been wasting so much of my time doing just that?

 

No one seems to be able to see why I feel the way I do, and why it is increasingly more painful to get through the day.

 

I hear all these platitudes all the time, but is anyone truly taking the time to imagine what it feels like to be me.

 

Me who worked hard to get through college, but has yet to reap any of the rewards that higher education is supposed to bring. Unless, just the honor of having a student loan to pay off which in that case I've blown. I had to put my loan in forbearance several months ago, because Well, in a war between the student loan payment and necessities, the loan lost.

 

Me who is suffering this horrible financial situation where I have to put loans in forbearance and make the late date the due date. It'd all be easier to swallow if I was squandering my money, but I am not. I don't have cable. My pre-paid cell phone is 5 years old. I don't have DSL or caller-id. I can't remember the last time I bought something that I wanted without agonizing over the decision. My cupboard isn't stocked with oodles of junk and prepackaged food.

 

Me who is tired of seeing everyone around me get married and divorced and have babies and buy houses and go on trips. To be honest, the last relationship I was in where I was told that I was loved... Jordan's dad. That's right folks, it's been nearly ten years since someone in a romantic relationship told me that they loved me. Now, there was Greg a few years ago, down at Boston's. He spent the better part of an evening telling me he loved me and buying me shots, but we all know that doesn't count.

 

Me who is tired of feeling like misery is hard-work's glorious reward. I have done so much for other people over the past 10 years, yet none of it comes back to me. I'm drained. There's nothing left to look forward to in my life. There's nothing worth getting excited about in my life. There is nothing in my life, and no matter how hard I try or don't try, no matter how I tweak the plan, change the direction, whatever, it all always comes back to this same shitty place where I will never be happy...I just wish I knew what I did to ever deserve this so that I could take back.

 

Chewing thru the leather strap...

So rather than dwell on the defeat with A2, I decided that maybe I should just do more asking out or whatever.

 

I emailed A1, I've always had his email address but never used it because there were mitigating circumstances. Alas, I have received a little mailer-daemon that said mailbox has exceed it's limit. All is not lost, it just means that the only way any sort of friendship will develop there is if I go to the Trolley, work or a show. By the time I get time to do that he will have been scooped up.

 

I'm not being negative, it's the truth. He's a very scoopable dish. Hell, who am I kidding he probably has a girlfriend as we speak. Everyone that I am interested in seems to be hooked up in some way, shape, or form. Sigh, again with this back to the drawing board crap. Gets so old, so fast.

 

Is it so much to ask for? Is it so much to want someone to want you back?

 

Night's like these were made for vodka tonics...

 

 

 

 

What Is and What Should Never Be....

So, I asked A2 out. He said no, said he's already got something going on.

Whatever... I should have known.

Sure, there is still A1, but that's like one of those things. I don't doubt that in the short term we'd have a lot of fun, but I want more than that.

I think I am going to close my office door and cry...

What was I thinking believing that just maybe something might swing to my favor?

I guess, it's like the line from the Fall Out Boy song,

"The best part of believe is the lie."

Explaining it all away...

That's what I am doing today, explaining it all away. It's just some funky chemical thing. That's all.

It is peculiar though, the way that seeing someone more than you see your own family or friends can evoke such feelings.

Such infatuation. Such twitterpation. Such a crush I haven't had in sometime.

I'm very nearly on the edge of the verge of the rim of doing something about it. Really I am. It's just difficult. I can't say, "Hey would you like to go for drinks or something?" in a lobby of people. Discretion is the better part of valor, plus it's way less embarrassing to both parties,

The girls I work with think I should call and ask for him, but I still have issue with that since it's just unprofessional.

I'll figure it out. I always do. Until then, I guess I'll use frozen foods as cover to stare wistfully in the general direction of the bank.

Pizza rolls anyone?