Benevolent chaos

I hadn't thought about in a long time but my uncle once described me as "benevolent chaos" and I think I hadn't thought about in a long time because felt like that in a while. I find myself orchestrating it in my head right now. Some one has asked me if I had heard about something tonight. I hadn't and she mentioned that she thought it was just rumor anyway. I can't find anything to support it in the slightest, but I am finding it hard to resist the urge to package it and post it to my Facebook and Twitter. It's already out there. It's already spreading. I just kinda want to throw my own handful of kindling on and fan the flames for my own personal amusement. It's not anything hurtful to anyone, it isn't religious or politically based, it's just one of those things that affronts certain people's sensabilities a certain way and causes them to cry for boycotts and other crazy actions against the system...using the system.

Using Facebook to call your friends to boycott Facebook is a bit like calling for a boycott of the post office via postcards. May I should get together a postcard campaign to boycott Facebook for being Facebook. Wait, though, have to figure out away around the illegality of chain mail to do that though. If everybody sent everyone on their friend's list a postcard, not even as rebelrousing call to do something, just a "Hey what's up, how you been? Saw this card, thought you would like it. Love, User#8675309" might inject a little life in the postal service for awhile.

Heck, as you are walking out to put your cards in the mail, you might even notice that it's a nice day and decide to take a walk. There are so many possibilities.

I would totally do it you know. Send everyone an actual piece of mail, but sadly I don't even think I have physical addresses for 10% of the people on my list.

Anyway, it's kinda nice to have this vein of energy back that always has a silly end. I have so missed being silly.

Interesting. Very interesting....

...ever feel like you can actually feel things shifting? I have felt that way all day. Good shift, bad shift, I don't know but something is definitely going on. This morning feels like it was last week...that's how distant it is. It's not a reflection of activity on my part. I wasn't the least bit energized or busy or anything today really.

Just a question I was thinking of that's all...carry on.

Facebook: the cause of and the solution to...

 ...I was going to say insomnia but it isn't always the case.

I caught a glimpse of an article recently that said it was being held as a trigger for more and more divorces. I can see that. People do some dumb things online.

I wonder what makes them do it, asks the woman who has probably posted things on this blog that would preclude her from gainful employment and possibly Sunday School. I don't know if it's is because I grew up in a small, rural town and am friends with a large number of folks I grew up with or if it is perfectly normal for people to air out dirty laundry, passively aggressively call people out, and otherwise post things that they wouldn't dare to say out loud if you were in the same room with 'em. Okay, so there are a few people who are what they are and are every bit as brash in person as they are online.


I have spent the last two hours, changing the privacy on a bunch of stuff and catching up on the post of the weekend. It occurs to me that very often, the people that are (or at least used to be) my actual friends in real life don't pop up in my feed. I think it has the something to do with Facebook's "Let's make Jenny look like a D-bag" algorithm which I could do without because frankly I don't need help in that department.

All in all, since I have been on Facebook I have come to conclude that: the town I grew up in cursed, the more lacking in grammar skills the more likely to post long painful to read "deep thoughts", every other mother has Munchausen by proxy, people love doom and gloom and will spread it via petitions posted incessantly on your wall, and some people are so completely spazzy that they make a good case for spiking the town's water supply with Thorazine.

It's a train wreck at best which is probably why I've not been able to walk away.

I tried looking at people's profiles for awhile. Something I haven't done in a long time. I have 500 and something friends and I am not even sure who is there anymore. I'm sure as I transition through this phase of life into my next I will pare down that number. I rarely pare off people that I actually know but every once in a while I make an exception. The exceptions usually have to do with their online behavior and repeated TMI posts of a graphic nature or extreme drama that never goes away. I don't hide people. It would be easy but I find it disingenuous to do so.

I am not sure where I was going with all this but I do feel lighter and I finally going to be able to get some sleep. Thanks for listening, you're a good friend :)

single book of matches gonna burn what's standing in the way

I've had Kings of Leon running in my head all weekend. Not Pyro tho, not sure which song to be honest. My brain for some reason is not capable of producing more than the tune inside my skull or more than the lyrics "Whoa, whoa, whoa..." The reason for choosing the Pyro lyric is my own and somewhat inexplicable at this point.

I'm taking everything back and starting over. Or something like that. Seriously. Didn't the use of song lyrics as a subject line give that away.

There's only one of me God help y'all and that one of me needs to be happy...even if it means not being very popular. I really meant what I said before about being happy when I only had one reader. Plus, there's been a whole chain of events that I've been paying attention to that lead me to believe that organic growth is much favorable to explosive growth.

So, over the next couple of months if my posts are sporadic, it's because I am building a cocoon because I have put off being a butterfly way too long!

Being an adult means always having to say you're sorry

I'm sorry. Yep. I'm sorry. Why? Because that's what mature, responsible people say when they have done something that is hurtful or that they perceive to be hurtful. Why did I say that they perceive to be hurtful? Because sometimes things that weigh on our conscious don't even hit the radar of the person that we think we have wronged, but that doesn't excuse the behavior.

No one likes to be wrong. It's a horrible feeling but sorry really does take the pain away.

The idea of amends has been swirling around my head for awhile, but really got kicked to the forefront the past couple of days. You know or may have picked up on that I am in direct sales, a dabbler really. (Or at least that's what I tell myself to lessen the pain of the lack of income derived from direct sales.) Anyway, I made a decision regarding my direct sales lines that I am really feeling some stuff over. I thought I had an opportunity to be a part of an organization that peddled a line of products that I could really get behind without much effort. The bonus was the it was free to join. After a month, based on faulty information, I chose to concentrate my efforts on this organization exclusively.

So where's the pain? Well, my sponsor in Clever Container really invested a lot in me and I do feel remorse. I actually have come to regret my decision to stop working that line. My renewal comes up in just a little over 30 days and I am in need a miracle mode to continue there. It's really only a couple of parties worth of volume, but I have no books, no supplies, no leads, so yep a miracle.

To continue where the pain is from, I have really felt over the past couple of weeks that I need to speak with and apologize to each of my downline in Do You Bake individually.  Ironic, because most of them never actually became active with the business. I chose to become active based on a lie really. I looked at my dashboard and saw sales and assumed it was from the work I had done. I looked at my dashboard and saw a team, and felt a little optimistic. Much of what scared many of my downline members away was the inability of anyone to control what was being said on the consultant page on Facebook. Well, that and a lack of understanding about the "free" sign-ups.

So thinking that I was making progress, I made a commitment. Turns out though, it's all been a sham. The sales volume that I saw on my reports. I don't know what it was or where it came from but I surely never got paid on it. I understand that I wouldn't be paid on DLs who joined under the free, but I had roughly a hundred bucks that I showed....and subsequently disappeared...that would have equated to about twenty bucks income. I wrongly assumed that the fruits of my mastering Hootsuite had finally come to pass.

At the current time, they owe me money for fundraisers that I had set up. It's not a huge sum of money, but it is the principle. They also to my knowledge owe two other people. An upline and a downline of mine. I do not know the sums, but I feel embarrassed that I put some one else in this situation. Me and my DL, we may have learned Valley View math, but we also have Valley View ethics, so this is totally unacceptable. no one should have to ride a direct sales company to pay out what they are owed...ever...period...end of story.

I am tired of people's excuses. I am tired of my emails going unanswered. I am tired of hearing about "growing pains". I am tired of other people's BS. I gave them a bye on one issue, because I thought it was knee-jerk on the parts of the people crying foul. Nearly six months later, I wish I had been as smart as those gals.

Thankfully, all of my DL joined under a free promotion. Only a couple of people have any money tied into this and again thankfully not too much. (Well, at least, what I can see so I pray that their additional investments are minimal.)

So, yeah, I screwed up and I am sorry. No amount of remorse is gonna make them move on paying anyone though. It's just a chain of unanswered emails. I do wish I could turn back the clock and some how make things not turn out this way. I'd love to turn back time and put the same amount of effort in to Clever as I did DYB and not feel like such a POS right now. If you are in my DYB DL and have not been correctly paid, please, please let me know and we will work on righting this wrong. I know that many of you have dreams of your own that you are trying to bring to fruition. I hope that this has not hindered you.



So yeah, I am sorry. On the DYB tip, you trusted me and now my integrity is tarnished because of their lack of ethical behavior. Cleverly speaking, I had dreams there and I thought something bigger had come along and I abandon all y'all and I feel terrible. If we stay here all night, I will eventually apologize for the Hindenburg disaster.

I am sorry. I am so sorry. 

Fear and Loathing in West Kettering

Wouldn't that be an awesome title for a blog? I wish I had thought of that years ago!

Despite the title, I am in good spirits today. How could I not be?! It's payday. It's sunny. The house is mostly clean. We haven't got a thing on the agenda for the next three days! Heck, I don't even care if I leave the house at all. I just want to sit and do nothing.

I am not sure entirely what brought the fear and loathing title to mind. I know that because of this bunny we have I have been thinking a lot about a particular episode of "Everyone Loves Raymond" where Ray and Robert remember their dad's interactions with a rabbit they had. I feel about the same way right now as the dad, played by Peter Boyle, did. Peter Boyle was in "Where the Buffalo Roam" as Carl Lazlo, Esq. I have at times thought it would be funny to have a friend who is also an attorney who would precede any statement of advice with "As your attorney..."  I guess I just have HST on the brain lately.

Plus, I have been dealing with a lot of fear. I didn't really think much about it or even that I was holding myself back in any way but whaddya know I really am my own worst enemy! Heck, even as I sit writing this I am dragging my feet on taking advantage of an opportunity that presented itself this morning. Why? Mostly because I've got a case of the "I'm not worthy"'s going on. Followed with my continually reinforced world view that it doesn't matter what I do or what I say or whatever...I'm never successful.

I have optimism burnout. I really do. It is complicated by well meaning folks throwing out lines about not being given more than you can handle or about attitude or whatever the sickening sweet GIF of the day is. Oh, or that something better is around the corner. That one I think is the worse. I have pretty steadily had a lot sh*t, there's no other word for it, over the past several years. I think I did a fair job of not completely losing my mind, but in April something happened that mentally, no, spiritually devastated me. Like I said with everything that I had gone on, I still maintained some degree of sunshine and lollipops. I had doubts about things, small things, but the I had a lot of faith about certain things. Like not just the kind of faith you have in something because someone else is completely negative about it and you are just trying to lift them up. Oh no, I totally believed without a doubt that nothing negative was going to happen.

I could not have been more wrong if I tried.

Anyway, so in the midst of that I picked up two books. Wanna know how crazy some of my fears are? I am hesitant to share that Living Beyond Your Emotions by Joyce Meyer and Discovering God's Unique Purpose for You (A 31-Day Experiment) by Dick Purnell jumped off the shelf at me one day at the library.I just want to be and I like to share things that have helped me, I don't like to have to defend myself. Anyway, I finished the Meyer's book in like three days. Then, started the 31 day experiment. I just finished that yesterday, although, in longer than 31 days. That was actually a very useful book to me. Despite having grown up in church, I know squat about Christianity.

So, here I am working on my fear and trying to be more loving than loathsome. Baby steps, I suppose. God knows I didn't get this screwed up in a day ;)

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend and has the opportunity to truly relax and enjoy life. ~Jen

Buffer Post

Yeah, so you may have noticed that I am not of the best of spirits lately. God knows, I am trying. Some days, I just hit these gargantuan titanium walls of doubt and disillusion. Plugging and chugging along, and seemingly never really getting anywhere or accomplishing anything.

See, what you may have failed to pick up on with that last post is that I had written an extensive, thoughtful piece about how I was feeling, what I was thinking, my perceptions. Then, suddenly, it was all gone. It was indeed a strange nanosecond of events where I went from posting to not being on the posting page and all without any of it being saved. The not being saved part is the strangest because I've never not had this thing autosave. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure I have it selected in my settings.

So where do I go from here? That's where I am at. Everything that I have been doing isn't really working. This blog, the other blogs, the social media, the Gil Gunderson-ness of my direct sales career, my seeming unemployability. I like to write, but then just because you like something does that mean you should do it? Lately, well, let's just say I aspire to be as optimistic as Stuart Smalley with his "I'm good enough. I am smart enough. And doggone it, people like me" affirmation. I question everything about me, and it's really kind of horrible time to do it because I do have a lot of great new people in my life. Now if I can just keep my profound social retardation from destroying me, I'll be okay.

I hope.

I give up

I was working at post and inadvertently hit something that caused the screen to change and apparently lost the entire post. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. The other post was titled "He told me to pray about it" and it was a well written account of part of what the hell is wrong with me (I guess).

So, it's true. I can't rub two sticks together to get fire anymore than I can do anything else in life with some degree of success. Seriously... I am sitting here I do the research, I follow the "plan", I do the same things as other people who are trying the same things. Sooo, am I just a complete and total Fn 'tard or are they lying about their results?

The only appropriate song here is this one:

So that's it for today I guess. Hardly kind, hardly loving, hardly giving but idk, I'm just not feeling it. I've hit a wall I guess and I just wonder what the point of all this trying is...I just want to do something that matters.

Battle torn and war weary Wednesday...

So to start with a disclaimer, this post will probably not be kind, loving or very giving at all.Grr, growl, whatever other guttural sounds my brain can manage send to my mouth.Or maybe that's just the sound I make when it's full of Doritos. (PS, Jordan, sorry I just polished off the Doritos.)

I have felt off all day or awful today depending on how good your hearing is. Like break down and cry kind of off. Nothing particular comes to mind that might have triggered a day like this. Honestly, the things that did really get me were seemingly minor which leads me to believe that dealing with the stress and mess of the last couple months has really taken a toll on my ability to keep my stuff together.

What's further distressing to me about the way I feel right now is that I have really been working at staying positive and being a sane and rational adult. Is today my Flanders moment?  Granted, I didn't go off on anyone or anything. It wasn't like that but it could have been. All these big issues have taken all my energy. Idk, maybe it's job search anxiety, too. I am a horrible interview most of the time. I've never been successful at anything. I am not really even good at anything either. I suppose a lot of that is wearing on me lately too. I can't tell you about a time when some inane bullshit happened because quite frankly all of my jobs have been the same damn job with different titles and different drama, nor can I tell you how I handled it because I don't take my job home with me and my brain can barely retain the information that is required to by law and by motherhood, let alone the hold onto the memory of a time when some jackass was mean to me because he didn't get his way.

I am not unhappy, but I am not content. I had actually sat down to do this at the height of one of those teary-eyed moments earlier but thankfully got sidetracked by trying to find an appropriate one for this post. I found a couple but nothing will upload properly. Too bad. They're actually kind of funny.

So what was the point of this? Idk. I don't feel better. I don't feel like digging in to the depth of me to pinpoint the root of the problem. Really, I think it's just me. If it's any indication, I spent way to much time looking at Socially Awkward Penguin memes today.

That swan thing is a totally myth. Sometimes you just grow up into a sadder, geekier, more awkward version of your child self.

Clever Container May Specials and Offers

  

Purchase $50.00 or more in the month of May from http://www.CleverContainer.com/GetCleverNow and qualify to purchase a WonderFull bag for only $25.00!












Host a Clever Container party of $400.00 or more and earn the Tote-ally Cute Jute for free! 

For $149.00 + shipping you could start your own Clever Container business.

Do You Bake May Specials and Offers

Looking for some extra income and fun this Summer? Consider becoming a Do You Bake consultant for only $37.95 in May. 

http://shop.doyoubake.com/Category/39-join-do-you-bake-in-may.aspx?AffiliateID=392

There's still time to get in on the May hostess and customer specials too:

http://www.DoYouBake.com/JennyWolfe

Summer insert preview is available on my website. Lots of good mixes for picnicking and taking it easy this summer. Summer products available 6/1/2012.

Greetings from Monday...at least I think it's Monday!

Northern Exposure
http://www.markhenspeter.com/images/20050520170938_pict0031a.jpg

Does anyone else ever feel like they are in some sort of time warp or other sort of tear or wrinkle in the space/time continuum? It's Monday, May 14, 2012 and honestly I feel like I have lost a month or two somewhere!

I am seriously not complaining, a lot of details fall out of focus in times like this. Been offline more than on, and debating whether that is a sign I need a smartphone or if it's a sign of something else.

Despite all the seeming chaos, life has been quite peaceful lately. My husband's schedule has been regulating and he doesn't need to travel far, far away for sometime. School is winding down, so there's less to do there. Driving school is almost done too, just have to get her on roads and her test and that's done. Got a bit of a regular schedule going with the boy, too.

Despite my lack of post I have managed to cross something off my 2012 to do list...giveaways. I am currently running one and participating in two. May Daze Grab Bag is just something that I whipped up and it ends 5/31/12 and is open to US only. Chic Algene's Birthday Bash is open worldwide and ends 5/30/12. And finally, the Father's Day Mancave Giveaway is also open worldwide and ends 6/8/12. It's more work than I realized to organize and execute these giveaways but I am thankful for the opportunity that has presented itself to be a part of them.

I think that my looking at life like a centrifuge lately has helped me keep my sanity. Instead of getting upset at all I haven't gotten to, I've been looking at it more like all this shake up is separating out what I need to be concentrating on from what I've been wasting time on. Like, I am still active with Do You Bake and Clever Container but am seriously evaluating my place with both companies. Don't get me wrong, I love the products but do they fit long term with my life? I don't know the answer to that yet.  I did change the name of my old Clever blog, and I have a grand plan for that but it seems to be one of those things that has filtered out at the moment.

Anyway, enter some giveaways and have a great week! I know I plan to :)

Man-tastic Mancave Giveaway ends June 8, 2012

We're barely out of Mother's day and it's time to start thinking about Father's Day. Why? Because that's the way we are!

My husband has a "mancave" which I refer to as the beat laboratory, and it's filled with a small studio which we have built up over time because that's the way life is. Imagine though being able to stock up the mancave in a couple o' clicks! Enter the $600 CASH giveaway and his midi guitar dreams could be that much closer. (Okay, midi guitar is my man's next purchase but you get the point.)

Thanks to  voiceBoks, Good Steward Savers, Terri's Little Haven, Cute-Ecakes, Giveaway Promote, and Linkie's Contest Linkies  for coordinating this giveaway. In addition to these lovely blogs, myself and quite a few other blogs have sponsored this Mancave Filling Giveaway so enter today!


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Chic Algene's Birthday Bash:$150 Paypal Cash

Chic Algene of I Heart Giveaways and The Coffee Chic is celebrating her birthday today! To make things more exciting, she has teamed up with me to bring you an awesome giveaway. One lucky entrant will win $150 Paypal Cash.

Finish the entries in one sitting or bookmark this site and come back tomorrow. Remember, the higher number of entries you complete, the higher the chance of winning. Good luck!

This event would not become possible without the help and support of these co-hosts: Bay Area Mommy, Zoe's Printable Coupons, Samut-Sari, Wrap with Jolene, Mamal Diane and Stiletto Files.

The giveaway will be open worldwide. The rafflecopter widget will be closed on May 30, 2012 (11:59 PM).

a Rafflecopter giveaway

May Daze Dazzling Grab Bag Giveaway

Daze instead of Days. I think it really plays to my state of mind lately more than anything. Life is nothing if not constantly moving and lordy don't I know it!

In terms of this giveaway, some of the things may seem random. Honestly, it was a collection of things that I had originally intended to use in a giveaway with more pages, and I was going to front the prizes from the pages. I know, I am such a mensch, I can't help it.  

This gift pack has an approximate retail value over $150.00 and includes nail wraps, organizing gadgets, food goodies, a Melting Pot Coupon and more. Giveaway end 5/31/2012 and is open to US residents only. (Sorry to my Canadian friends, I love you, I just don't love the postage :( )

Good Luck! I hope you do follow me because there are bigger and better prizes on the horizon. Well, and I do really enjoy the interactions!

Buried in life update...

As I write this I am sitting listening to my husband work on some music. It's pretty awesome that someone can take some hilariously obscene wrong number voice mails and turn it in to something positive. When he gets it done I'll post it.

I have been meaning to post a little giveaway to bridge to a big giveaway, and oh by the way friends, I am about to make that dream of steadily offering giveaways a reality. If I get a chance tonight, I will definitely post it. It isn't much but it's nothing to scoff at either. I just don't know if I will get the chance. Or have the gumption.

Boogie had his first little league game last night and he was the lead off hitter. My husband shared with me early how proud he was when our little man nailed a good solid hit, and to be honest I was right there with him. It's exciting to see my kids progress through life. Another game Saturday, and pictures too. Busy. Busy.

There's been a whole mess of stuff to deal with lately and it has taken me away from writing among other things. It's not really even a lack of time, but a lack of motivation and energy. Face it, when dealing with some people it takes every ounce of energy to hold on to your spirit and your soul. I do have to admit though when I was at our rental tonight, I felt like very warm and fuzzy when I walked into bedroom. We gave them permission to paint, and aside from loving what they picked for the living room, I was moved by something in the bedroom. It was just a little love token, a little initial in heart action but it was so darned sweet.

I don't entirely hate all this chaos, it all seems like forward motion. I just some times wish there was less of a need for sleep.