If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Friday, May 25, 2012

Fear and Loathing in West Kettering

Wouldn't that be an awesome title for a blog? I wish I had thought of that years ago!

Despite the title, I am in good spirits today. How could I not be?! It's payday. It's sunny. The house is mostly clean. We haven't got a thing on the agenda for the next three days! Heck, I don't even care if I leave the house at all. I just want to sit and do nothing.

I am not sure entirely what brought the fear and loathing title to mind. I know that because of this bunny we have I have been thinking a lot about a particular episode of "Everyone Loves Raymond" where Ray and Robert remember their dad's interactions with a rabbit they had. I feel about the same way right now as the dad, played by Peter Boyle, did. Peter Boyle was in "Where the Buffalo Roam" as Carl Lazlo, Esq. I have at times thought it would be funny to have a friend who is also an attorney who would precede any statement of advice with "As your attorney..."  I guess I just have HST on the brain lately.

Plus, I have been dealing with a lot of fear. I didn't really think much about it or even that I was holding myself back in any way but whaddya know I really am my own worst enemy! Heck, even as I sit writing this I am dragging my feet on taking advantage of an opportunity that presented itself this morning. Why? Mostly because I've got a case of the "I'm not worthy"'s going on. Followed with my continually reinforced world view that it doesn't matter what I do or what I say or whatever...I'm never successful.

I have optimism burnout. I really do. It is complicated by well meaning folks throwing out lines about not being given more than you can handle or about attitude or whatever the sickening sweet GIF of the day is. Oh, or that something better is around the corner. That one I think is the worse. I have pretty steadily had a lot sh*t, there's no other word for it, over the past several years. I think I did a fair job of not completely losing my mind, but in April something happened that mentally, no, spiritually devastated me. Like I said with everything that I had gone on, I still maintained some degree of sunshine and lollipops. I had doubts about things, small things, but the I had a lot of faith about certain things. Like not just the kind of faith you have in something because someone else is completely negative about it and you are just trying to lift them up. Oh no, I totally believed without a doubt that nothing negative was going to happen.

I could not have been more wrong if I tried.

Anyway, so in the midst of that I picked up two books. Wanna know how crazy some of my fears are? I am hesitant to share that Living Beyond Your Emotions by Joyce Meyer and Discovering God's Unique Purpose for You (A 31-Day Experiment) by Dick Purnell jumped off the shelf at me one day at the library.I just want to be and I like to share things that have helped me, I don't like to have to defend myself. Anyway, I finished the Meyer's book in like three days. Then, started the 31 day experiment. I just finished that yesterday, although, in longer than 31 days. That was actually a very useful book to me. Despite having grown up in church, I know squat about Christianity.

So, here I am working on my fear and trying to be more loving than loathsome. Baby steps, I suppose. God knows I didn't get this screwed up in a day ;)

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend and has the opportunity to truly relax and enjoy life. ~Jen

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