Deep, deep, deep sigh.
Apparently everyone but me knew it was going to snow today. No big, it actually made for a good day.
Back to 1995. So while lost in my own thoughts tonight, I started thinking of some monologues that are in the monologue book I was due back May 4, 1993 according to the sticker on the back. (I own it and several others that were lost in a move. I had to pay cost plus fines in order to be able to borrow again.)
Anyhow, there was one that I was sort of attached to from Night Luster by Laura Harrington. It suddenly popped in my head tonight. What's really sad is that I still feel like it was written for me. The very last line is:
"Jesus, if anybody ever heard what I've got locked up inside of me...I'd be a star."
I don't know is this cold feet or cooler heads? Do I really have the energy and the patience for this? Hell, I know me. It's not that I am high maintenance, but I do have expectations. As much as I like to listen to my frosted side, I am afraid that the whole wheat side is making some very valid points. I, unfortunately, need to listen to those points. Sure, it does feel a little like the hand of fate has been twisted to my favor a bit, but can I blow the ink dry faster?
So sometime ago we established that this one he intrigues me, and I would love the opportunity to explore that (and I'm not talking sex, either). As I am sitting here though, I can't help but wonder if maybe somehow I let the cart get way ahead of the horse. Or maybe I just need to throw it all out there and see what happens. Even if it ends up being soul decimatingly horrible, I'll live. I made it this far and I have had far worse things happen to me than being rejected by someone I have a silly girly crush on.
Or maybe all of this is just my way of pouting. He said he would call me Tuesday, but he didn't. Which, you know, practice so I actually didn't fully expect that he would. I just know how these things go. But I look so forward to things sometimes. I think that makes me the problem with me. I called him earlier from work. I didn't expect that he would answer because the number comes up as 937-000-0000 from any line in the hospital system (unless it's internal then it's got name and/or department and extension number). I left a message. Admittedly, I feel a little nervous and dorky and have this whole maybe I shouldn't have called, maybe this is what my friend's meant when they said I was intimidating. That's crap,though, I think you like someone you call them, you want to hang out, hook up, bake cookies, fly fish, whatever, you should just do it. None of this wait a week, wait a day, wait til the moon is in the seventhg house crapola. Ok, time to digest, time to reflect, I can dig that, but what do we at this point have to reflect upon?
I am at a lost of what to do next. It has been a long, long time since I had a crush on someone and ended up with their phone number. I know where I am in terms of my own confusions, my own lack of direction, where I am and where I want to be and the kind of person I wouldn't mind getting there with but I can only guess at his. I have this compulsion to sit down with him and tell him exactly how I feel. Tell him that I have had this little crush since the day we met. Tell him that I would appreciate not being some sort of rebound, that I like what I know and would like to know more but if it can only be as friends then que sera sera. Tell him...I don't know. Jesus Christ, I have so much I could say. The question is what do I say next, I guess.
Aside from all of the above, I guess you can file this next bit under Jenny has too much time without positive social interaction so she thinks up crazy shit to pass the time. So, uh, coming back from dropping the kid off at school, 103.9 played that Matisyahu song which in and of it's self is quite a step for them. Now it would take some research on my part, but I think if all else fails I am going to begin trying to prove that Matisyahu is the second coming of Christ. I mean after all wasn't JC a cool Jewish cat that everyone dug listening to? I don't know where it comes from, it just comes.
Besides better to sit and try to think of all the correlations with Revelations that last year or so has had then to sit and make revelations about the correlations that I have had in the same time frame.