If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Monday, April 10, 2006

Life is starting to defy smarmy subject lines...

I don't know. Should I feel like this right now?
The bad is soo overtaking the bad this morning. Usually I can push it out, but not today. It's the events of the weekend both good & bad.
Just stuff...stuff that's making me feel migraine-y.
Some stuff I just can't even tell anyone because it is truly that horrible. Don't even ask because it's that dark and un-sharable.
I don't want anyone to be right but him and I.
 God, you'd think I'd be in such a different place this morning. I probably would be if you could erase the time between 7:35-8:13a.
What if I become completely disinterested? Six months is a long time.
Sure, my imaginary boyfriend and I seemed to have had an imaginary relationship for longer than that, but you can't compare that to this.
Well, I suppose you could but you'd be stupid to do so.
For such a long time it was a means to avoid a real relationship, not that the feelings and the tears were fake but I could have been  in something healthier. I just kept choosing not to do so.Despite some of the shite I am having to deal with life is good right now, and really it can only get better. The fact that I think that makes me wonder why I am even worried about losing interest. There's so much here I've always wanted in another person.
But this six months is a gargantuan chasm of unknowns. Everything is going to change. What if it doesn't twist the way we're hoping? And that's just with the coming back here future, that doesn't include the other possible variables. If I didn't care it wouldn't bother me. I'd be all I can't wait 'til he leaves so I can finally get some sleep. But I know I'm probably going to sleep worse for awhile in the beginning.
Then there's the whole what if he becomes disinterested line of thought.
Stupid? Maybe, but this is what happens when the curves start being thrown.
And my own issue...the having to accept the excuses made for other people...so tired of being asked to care about people who aren't doing anything positive in my life. There is a lot of potential problem there. There is this hard-ass in me that will destroy things, because you know what I've never gotten much compassion in my life so why should I extend it to someone else? I hate always feeling like I have to be the better person, especially when things have been said that are unforgivable. I can't help feeling that way. I've worked very hard to get where I am at, and I have an extremely low tolerance for crybabies (that I did not bear).
    I wish it didn't bother me so much. Maybe time will make it better,but it's hard believing that at times.
    There are just things that are hard for me to wrap my head around with this...
      I shouldn't even post this.

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