Which is better?

I have had this quandary for sometime.

 

I do not formally belong to a political party. I know most people don't,

but I've always liked to believe I was better than most people.  I have

days where I want to get involved, but...

 

Maybe it's a family trait. My great-grandma was very active in her church,

very spiritual, very like some beacon of christian goodness. Turns out

that despite going to the same church/denomination for more years than

I have been alive, she was never actually a member of the church. (For those

who don't know, membership is much like declaring party affiliation except

way more public.) As I hear it, the reason was that she didn't support all the

tenets her particular denomination would have had her espouse.

 

Maybe membership is overrated. Maybe I would do more good because it's not

the being a card-carrying member of anything that I am interested in. It seems

like such a little thing, but I can't in good conscious sign my name to something

stating that I believe in something when I don't. In fact, I support the complete opposite.

 

Hmm, but that's just me...I've been known to be wrong. :)  

Counting down...

First, some of the funky formatting has not been on purpose. I have been too lazy/tired/busy to fix it.

 

I am right now at this very moment starving.

 

I am somewhat regrettably a smoker again.

 

I have 22 minutes to kill.

 

I'm tired.

 

I have spent too much time today trying to self-diagnosis.

 

I didn't have coffee this morning.

 

I really want to do lots o' things tonight.

 

I think I'm blushing now.

 

All that only killed 2 minutes.

 

I bet when this hits it'll be quadruple spaced... Outlook seems to be like that.

 

I feel like I am forgetting something, but I don't know what.

 

My laptop seems to have crashed again.

 

One of these days I'll remember to back up my checkbook.

 

I'm so lost without it, and I am horrible tracking it the old fashioned way.

 

2 more minutes gone.

 

I think if I turn off everything slowly, and say good-bye to everyone then I could take 15 minutes to hit the time clock.

 

Here goes nothing...

Might as well...

I wasn't going to blog today. I mean I've been pretty sporadic with it lately anyway, so who cares? Plus, I really screwed up one of them and things that I didn't actually want to become known became known.

Got a lot on my mind, which is why I've been more migraine-y than usual. I know, I know, the other day I was all I probably have that stupid smile on my face. Well, that was the other day.

Today, I'm tired. I'm not sure what time I fell asleep. Yesterday should have been a better day for me, but I was preoccupied. Like I said I've got a lot on my mind. We actually had gone to bed about 11, but I found myself out on the couch a little bit later. I really dig Kelly Clarkston way more than I should admit in a public forum. (I flipped back and forth between Fuse & BBC America until Coupling was over, then between Fuse & some show with Ice-T on Vh-1) It was like 4 when I crawled back in bed.

Some days I can feel myself splitting in half...some days I don't care.

Sigh...it's funny how I never can ever seem to accomplish the things I'd like to get done.

Wow, if I had a cot in my office I would so be curled up on it. Although, I would rather be curled up and purring in the sun.

Monday...

So here I am sitting at work, little to do, looking at stuff and the Silpada lady calls because she thinks she wrote my cc# down wrong. (She did.) An errant thought hits: I have a lot of things I need to start saving my pennies for now. I probably have that stupid giddy smile on my face now.

If I ran my blog like I was the CIA

If I operated this blog o' mine as if I were the CIA, today's entry would look something like this:

 

I am totally stressed out about everything. I can feel myself starting wall up my heart. I don't think that it is a case of too much too quick, more of an issue with this is not really any place I have ever been. I'm scared as hell.

 

I am developing serious cold feet. I have spent most of today orchestrating a fight in my head.

 

I am fairly excited tho, I am getting Teezers from Sub House for lunch. Woohoo!

 

So, nervous and worked up, and I feel bad that I am feeling like I could totally walk away right now. I feel bad that I am not as

affectionate as he is. I feel confused about the next six months.

 

Tonight, we are going to my parent's and I am to meet Mark. It is just adding to my anxiety.

 

The worst part is that more and more I don't think that I can accept and deal with his continuing friendship with Rachel. So, in a way her little message to me was pre-emptive because maybe she's really the one who wins.

 

 

 

Nice, huh? I feel better already.

 

 

Sports Medicine Clinic

So, once upon a time, in a land far away (seriously Germantown's like middle of nowhere) I was active enough to have played through my fair share of minor injuries. The past couple of days, I have been feeling like maybe I skipped track practice and had to run the punishment laps (One lap for every minute late x 120 minutes of practice, fun, fun).

At first, I was thinking it was footwear choices. Mama likes her big girl shoes, can't help it. This morning I'm really feeling it, and I start to wonder, could this be? Nah, I haven't done any running or whatever. But damn, it so feels exactly like!

So, I hop online. Whaddya know, I learned something.

It is entirely possible to get shin splints from things other than running. Sure, Wikipedia doesn't directly say that, but I was reading the mechanics of shin splints and thinking of those other things. I've probably had a lot of forceful extension of toe lately, who am I kidding, there's no probably. So, wow...

Life is starting to defy smarmy subject lines...

I don't know. Should I feel like this right now?

The bad is soo overtaking the bad this morning. Usually I can push it out, but not today. It's the events of the weekend both good & bad.

Just stuff...stuff that's making me feel migraine-y.

Some stuff I just can't even tell anyone because it is truly that horrible. Don't even ask because it's that dark and un-sharable.

I don't want anyone to be right but him and I.

 God, you'd think I'd be in such a different place this morning. I probably would be if you could erase the time between 7:35-8:13a.

What if I become completely disinterested? Six months is a long time.

Sure, my imaginary boyfriend and I seemed to have had an imaginary relationship for longer than that, but you can't compare that to this.

Well, I suppose you could but you'd be stupid to do so.

For such a long time it was a means to avoid a real relationship, not that the feelings and the tears were fake but I could have been  in something healthier. I just kept choosing not to do so.Despite some of the shite I am having to deal with life is good right now, and really it can only get better. The fact that I think that makes me wonder why I am even worried about losing interest. There's so much here I've always wanted in another person.

But this six months is a gargantuan chasm of unknowns. Everything is going to change. What if it doesn't twist the way we're hoping? And that's just with the coming back here future, that doesn't include the other possible variables. If I didn't care it wouldn't bother me. I'd be all I can't wait 'til he leaves so I can finally get some sleep. But I know I'm probably going to sleep worse for awhile in the beginning.

       
Then there's the whole what if he becomes disinterested line of thought.

               
Stupid? Maybe, but this is what happens when the curves start being thrown.

                       

And my own issue...the having to accept the excuses made for other people...so tired of being asked to care about people who aren't doing anything positive in my life. There is a lot of potential problem there. There is this hard-ass in me that will destroy things, because you know what I've never gotten much compassion in my life so why should I extend it to someone else? I hate always feeling like I have to be the better person, especially when things have been said that are unforgivable. I can't help feeling that way. I've worked very hard to get where I am at, and I have an extremely low tolerance for crybabies (that I did not bear).

I wish it didn't bother me so much. Maybe time will make it better,but it's hard believing that at times.

There are just things that are hard for me to wrap my head around with this...

I shouldn't even post this.

This one is for all the ladies...

I have been thinking about a few things over the past few hours. Thinking about how many people's lives I've ruined. Thinking about all the men I have been purported to have led astray. All the indiscretions that I have allegedly committed. Thinking about how many times some stupid bitch has blamed me for her lack of self-esteem.

 

Stupid, stupid bitches. Do you think I asked to be born this way?

 

Maybe if you all spent less time whining to me about how horrible I am because of some perceived impropriety and channeled that energy into thinking about all that's good about you. Fuck, we so would not be having this conversation.

 

Honestly, i'm hardly some ethereal goddess. Or rocket scientist. Or whatever other demigod of mythical proportions you have made me out to be. But I thank you for shooting all of that vibe into my legend.

 

I'm soo fucking sick of other women blaming me for their problems. I'm soo fucking sick of listening to stupid fucking bitches cackle on about inconsequential shit. I'm soo fucking sick of being the whipping girl. I'm soo fucking sick of women.

 

Most of tonight I have had strains of an old Ice-T song in my head..."I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one." 

 

Again, I didn't ask to be born this way. Hell, a large part of the time, I don't even try. I'm me. Sorry that is such a dreadfully egregious crime to womankind, but if he (whomever he might be) is thinking of me and not you I hardly see how it's my fault. After all, that means you're the uninteresting one?

 

I think I'm going to make a drink and go to bed and dream of taking up kickboxing... oh shit I can't do that it'll make some chick somewhere blame me for her own self-loathing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

346.20 to the nth power

In case you didn't know, 346.20 is the icd-9 code for variant migraine.

 

 

I really think I could get into 787.03 (nausea and vomiting.) Oh especially the vomiting.

 

 

Nothing has really panned out today. There has been a lot of good, but when we were all seriously on

the verge of a breakthrough moment. The phone rang.

 

 

Then my afternoon plans fell through.

 

 

Now I find myself to be the recipient of a new message.

 

 

I promised that I would never air our dirty laundry in my blog, but right now... argh! What am I supposed to do? Call my friends, so they can I told you so me?

 

 

I knew as soon as my mailbox popped up and I saw the notification, I knew it was from her. What have I gotten myself into? I mean I'm sitting here and thinking about what you said this morning about how I was okay in thinking what I did last night, and how you *69d the phone this morning. And the circumstances surrounding your abrupt departure.

 

 

Quandary is an understatement. I'm sitting here worried about you. I'm worried about me. I'm worried about Jo. Even a little worried about her, but I'm really glad that I have neither a rabbit or a giant soup pot. I can weather this, I'm sure. I'm having a hardtime right at this moment though with whether or not I want to do so.

I know that none of this is easy. I don't want to make it harder.

 

 

I want everything to be okay. I feel like I should call your family and apologize for ever talking to you and ultimately stirring up shit. Granted, not on purpose... I'm not that kind of girl which brings us back to the question of is it because of me or because I am not her?

 

 

It is taking every ounce of my being right now to not respond with a scathing, verbal bitch slap.

I need a hobby...

I'm okay. I'm not okay.

 

I want to burn cds. I want to throw cds.

 

Right now, I am listening to Neil Diamond. 'Bout to go take it out for a walk and really rock out to it.

 

I don't even care if it's raining.

 

I've had probably less that two hours sleep.

 

Alice emailed me. I haven't talked to her since October. I don't know how I feel about it. I mean she would probably be the only friend I got that would be happy about me and Rob hookin' up. And she knows enough about me that she would talk me down from throwing CDs, at least for a day or two then she'd hand them to me to throw if she deemed that I was in fact right.

 

I so don't understand relationships.

 

I don't know if I am going to answer her. Part of me says yes. Part of me really misses her. They are small parts it seems.

 

Maybe this is how it's 'posed to be...a simultaneous amalgam of contradictory stuff. I can't really say how I am feeling right now at this moment. Reverting to my true form I guess...doesn't seem like a good thing.

 

We have such good talks. Sigh...

 

Am I going to go through this everyday?

 

God that's gonna suck.

 

 

 

 

Odd obsessions & other questions of sanity...

I am consumed with the notion that I need to get my bathroom done.

Not just painted & trimmed.

The shower put back together.

Everything cleared out so it can be used.

I'm not going into the reasons this is on my mind.

It is.

Lots of things are there these days.

Things I don't think I've ever thought about.

EVER.

Nineteen days if I counted right, but it feels like tomorrow.

I kinda wish I could go back to Saturday.

I'm kinda tired of hearing about the speed of things.

It just doesn't help. They all have nineteen days to change their

tunes, because I'm gonna need them. I can't lean on

people who can't be empathetic.

If I finish the bathroom, then I'm going to have to do my room too.

Only because they are adjacent to each other,

and well I'm just that girly.

Sigh.

My other little project, well, it's not coming along as fast as I wish it would.

I'll figure it out though, I mean I've got a little time.

Maybe I'll feel better after tonight.

I mean, you know, I would hope that Sarah doesn't

tell me that I need Prozac again,

But

you never know.

All these things I want to do.

Sigh...

Maybe I'll just start with the bathroom.

Maybe I was wrong...

Right now...besides being hot, I'm like... YANK!  My friend Whitney in high school. YANK! was like her expression of frustration, especially at the unavoidable, ie, there is a French test tomorrow.

 

I could fill this whole page with YANK! tonight.

 

'Cept I don't really know where to start, plus in another couple o' days it'll have passed and I don't think that I want these current feelings down for posterity.

 

All things considered this has been a pretty good weekend, so it's only that I am Jenny that I'm sitting here feeling at all like this. Sigh...

 

I wish I could even explain it in words.

 

If it wasn't raining I go walk. That's really what I want to do. I don't want to talk. I want to walk. Power walk, probably to the 25 years of punk CD. Actually, I need to make a power walk CD.

 

Ack, now I have Depeche Mode stuck in my head.

 

Trophy MILF...hmm...it's not that I am not laughing, it's that it's hitting me in a place that makes meeting her impossible because it is churns a particular kind of aggressiveness in me that borders on unadulterated evil.

 

I should have been a soccer hooligan when I grew up.

 

 

Show me how you do that trick...

I thought about calling this one

"blogging ain't easy, but necessary"

It's not really tho.

Obviously I haven't had a need for this much lately

yeah I've been really freakin' happy

a little preoccupied

can't go into that tho

sorry .

 

I'm pretty sure that this blog is going to reach a whole new level of boring.

 

Bad for blog readers.

Good for Jenny.

 

Happy is probably an understatement.