I would love it if you would come over tonight,
And touch me in that place that makes me
Move like an epileptic without their Dilantin.
I like that.
But I can't be MILFtastic without the kid,
So it'll have to wait 'til another night.
Kindness in Giving Creates Love,a blog of which the creator's brain is ninety percent song lyrics, wanders and ponders and rants through all of life's joys and pains. Strictly for infotainment purposes, any enlightenment is purely coincidental.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
You've got mail...
I've got email waiting to be read, the voice mail told me so.
I'd read it here, but
a)it's long
b)the subject line tells me it's better to wait 'til I'm home
I forgot to charge my phone so I can't really call
Anyone
It's no use calling from here
937-000-0000 never gets picked up
'less it's someone who knows it might be me
The day has been long.
Maybe 'cuz I'm still a little tired.
Maybe 'cuz I haven't occupied myself with thoughts
like I always do
I need to do laundry.
I have a fairly good feeling that after I read that email
My house is going to get cleaned
It's what I do when I need to think
Clean, clean, clean
Laundry first tho
Can't hardly get into my bathroom
Eighteen minutes and I can leave...
...pick up Jo
...go home
...read
Hmm, 'cept she's probably going to need fed
Maybe she'll eat cereal again
Mmmm, Lucky Charms for dinner...
Sixteen minutes...
I should do some actual work
Or at least go be social
I've been exceedingly nice to people this week.
Not that I am not nice,
But as far as here I tend not to be
Although, I bet the time clock says something else
Argh...
This is gonna kill me.
I'm just not ready to deal with the realities that I have been avoiding.
Hmm, apparently I'm supposed to tho 'cuz Jo just called to ask if she could go
Home with someone else.
Me alone.
Hmm...
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Deprivation
So beautiful you mused
As the light caressed my silhouette
I believe u
I don't know why
And can't remember the last time
Another person made me
Feel this way
Careening into heartbreak
Never felt so good
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Tank
I emerged from the hot shower
Sure that the previous chaos had been cleansed
And slid back into my tank top,
Still sweet with your scent
A reminder to myself
That there is still some good
In this fucked-up world
A reminder that tomorrow
Really will be better
Wistfully hoping
I can make it to Friday
My test results
Saturday, March 18, 2006Saturday Night's alright for fighting....So, I wonder what I would have to do to be worthy of having the mobile phone turned off while I am there. Sarah came over last night, and hung out with me. I subjected her to some of the poetry that I wrote this week. She now thinks I need Prozac. It was good to talk to her. She's known me for a longtime, Not continuously but long enough. Long enough to know that my recent feelings of being back in high school aren't good. But she says that telling someone that I am not going to talk to them anymore because I feel like I am back in 12TH grade and well, honestly, that didn't work out so well for me. I don't even think that Sarah really knows the extent of how badly things got for me then, but that would be because I stopped talking to her. She really should thank me for that. Otherwise, she would have been sucked into the drama. So, he claims he has time today to come look at my laptop. I'm not holding my breath. In fact, another few days and I might have completely rebuilt my wall with a few extra fortifications. So, sad, but that's my life...
Friday, March 17, 2006FridayDMB "Grey Street" was just playing on the ol' Muzak. I really like that song, but don't tell anybody. Especially right now when it seems so appropriate to the way I am feeling. So I might as well put the lyrics here, eh, well, at the end. It'll be a nice way to close. I need to stop going to break with Angie before I redevelop a smoking habit. For about the past, oh I don't six or seven years, my response to anything has been to retreat into myself. It's pretty easy to avoid things and people aren't usually smart enough to even call you on it. Oh sure, Alice once told me that someone I had dated for a longtime made me boring. I've always been inclined to agree. Multiple reasons really...keeping up appearances...less of a freak than me...preoccupied with finishing school...and a whole lot of I can't believe I ever let someone like that break my heart. IT really SHOULD have BEEN the OTHER way AROUND! I truncated myself. I have realized this for a while. I don't know how to fix it. I don't think I can fix it by myself. It scares me. I thought that this was fixing it, but I know I was wrong. I let someone shame me into being something I am not. I really want to do that now...totally go into Jenny-land but I haven't. It's evident to some of the people around me, too. Yesterday Jess asked me what I was on because of the way I was acting, and then wouldn't believe me when I told her nothing. I only say I don't know because it's the most appropriate short answer I've got right now. Oh, just sitting while she listens Thursday, March 16, 2006GhostWe make a good team He said I didn't disagree I'm just trying to be honest He said Nothing is what I stupidly said I like you He said I like you too I said And I was thankful for his lie He said enough to drop my guard I said it didn't matter I thought I could win I said that this would be different I thought I could win Turns out I can't compete He said a lot of things I wish he hadn't said If I really had been thinking I would have never said 'hi' I am the ghost that everyone glides through I said to myself I am a ghost of a girl Who never has a chance A ghost who thought She knew the game A sad apparition distracted by What he said He should have said nothing I should have let it go The first time Wednesday, March 15, 2006Another night of bad sleep...Why is it so much to ask to be the center of someone else's world? Why-sigh, why isn't there a damn thing about me that makes people put other people off? Even the guy who claimed he dropped a ton of other women to be with me, never called me back. Go figure. I should go to a hockey game this weekend, but I would only annoy my company. Annoy on levels no one should ever put up with from anyone. How can one woman be subjected to so much shit in life? It's not even that emotional wreck part of it that bothers me. It's that no one ever EVER seems to understand me or anything about or they just ARGHH!! I haven't felt this way in such a longtime, and I am talking both the positive and the negative of what I am feeling right now. ... I rolled my hair last night so I have big hair today. I kinda like it. I wish I could get a picture up. I did it to try to make me feel better, but it's only making me feel worse. I've got on one of my favorite little dresses and my red shoes but somehow... It's a good thing I work in a place where we order Kleenex by the case... Gnawing off my bottom lip...When I get into certain emotionally distressing situations, I oft find myself chewing on my lip. Okay, sure, sometimes I am just thinking, but right now it is ever so much more than that. Hopefully, I am still cute without a bottom lip. So, I think I may move this dog and pony show to myspace.com...if only so that my friends will actually read it. And so that I can feel important that 300 people whom I have never met want to be my friend. I told Lynn yesterday that the power of positive thinking is overrated because it seems like part of positivity is blindness or oblivion and uh, yeah when reality hits it fucking hurts like mofo. I have about a gazillion sentences going through my head that start out,"I shoulda never..." Which probably explains why I am not asleep right now, and why my right leg is bouncing like crazy. I'm gonna go put on some good tasting chapstick and gnaw my lip the rest of the way... Tuesday, March 14, 2006Variant MigrainepaloozaI don't know, it's probably more acute stress than migraine, especially since my neck hurts. I slept horribly last night. Saying what your thinking shouldn't make you feel worse, should it? Maybe I don't know how to explain anything to anyone anymore. That can't be entirely true. I just explained Medicare's payment policy on tetanus shots to my manager. Surely things in life are less complicated than ANYTHING issued by CMS! I guess I have always been impatient to some extent. I also have never really been one to-I dunno. I jotted down a little something while stuck at the A/R meeting. I don't know why I didn't just post that. So, yeah, here it is: Tears stream past Wine-stained teeth Why does it seem like I Only make sense to myself? I don't want to shove you away. I don't want anything to end. I just want it to be okay To feel the way I do. Monday, March 13, 2006To all the blogs I've blogged before...If there was a theme to my life, I think it would revolve around a need for release. It's like being on a roller coaster that gets stuck at the top. To say it is me is an understatement... I'm afraid to let go. There is really no need for long explanation. It applies to everything in my life right now. I'm having my high school breakfast this morning, a mega cup o' joe and Ding Dongs. Mmmmmmmmmm... I have to stop being afraid of giving up my control but I don't know how. Friday, March 10, 2006Today I bought a ringtone but only because it's cheaper than jewe lry...Only I could struggle over it being cliché. Really it's kind of a backhanded ringtone. No, no, just not as sweet as some might think, Because there are few around me who are Versed in 80s punk and alternative. I just want to know who is calling. Nothing wrong with that. Hmm, everything is wrong with that. I can't even begin to tell you why. Poor Lynn is gonna get an earful tonight. Thursday, March 9, 2006Thursday here, but it's Friday somewhere...So much to say... work, health, whatever. I listened to a CD today I hadn't heard in awhile. When I grabbed it this morning, I didn't even know why I was grabbing it. Sigh, then coming home, I got up to track 9. Why had I never noticed the lyrics before? I had planned to put it on the CD I am slowly constructing, then hmm, it became even more appropriate. Anyway here it is. It's all I have to say today. "Falling for You" by Jem (from the Finally Woken CD) Said there'd be no going back
Promised myself I'd never be that sad Maybe that's why you've come along To show me, it's not always bad Coz I can feel it, baby I feel like I'm falling for you But I'm scared to, let go I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so It's true I've become a skeptic How many couples really love Just wish I had a crystal ball To show me, if it's worth it all Coz I can feel it, baby I feel like I'm falling for you But I'm scared to, let go I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so Yeah I can feel it, baby I feel like I'm falling for you But I'm scared to, let go I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so And I've got to be sure Coz it's been so long And I cannot take the pain again If it all goes wrong Coz I can feel it, baby I feel like I'm falling for you But I'm scared to, let go I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so Yeah I can feel it, baby I feel like I'm falling for you But I'm scared to, let go I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so I want you so much I need you so much I want you so much I need you so much [believe me my love believe me my love] Sunday, March 5, 2006Thursday, March 2, 2006Silence is golden...The only think I can really say is that I suddenly feel like I am in high school again. Not necessarily in a bad way, but still. I can't remember the name of the song, or who sings it even, but when I was coming home tonight from meeting someone it kept going through my head. "You do it to yourself you do and that's what really hurts..." Don't get me wrong I am not unhappy right now. Just perplexed. Commence biting bottom lip now. Wednesday, March 1, 2006That's an understatment!My horoscope today:
Guess who gets to go for a bunch o' test this month :) I should go do laundry. Don't feel like it tho. Just watched a movie with the kid. Yours, Mine, Ours. The original is so much better. I love the end when Doris Day says whatever it is she says about wanting Moo Goo Gai Pan. Anyway, maybe I can get jo to watch my movie. If I go watch it in my room, I will fall asleep and chaos will ensue. It always does. Sigh... Double sigh...
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