So it goes...

This is an entry that I started 6/8 but put aside to do my mood in six songs or less. This font this color is what I have written today.


I was thinking of some lyrics to a Waits song, but pulled this one up. I clearly know that this is NOT the song I was thinking of but yet it is what I typed. Weird how the mind and the fingers communicate sometimes isn't it?

Do you ever just wonder what the point of any of this all is? I have had a less than stellar day, like the third in a row. I mentioned in my status on Facebook that I was having some difficulties, might have been nice if someone other than my husband acknowledged them. The positive there is that is proves that we are not co-dependent and in fact it really is that no one else talks to me.

As I am writing this, he is slamming things around in the kitchen. Stupid rental. Stupid renters. Stupid us for ever thinking that we might get somewhere peaceful in life. Of course, two days ago, the bad mood was because he had been in Chicago and coming back here was really depressing. Thanks honey, I love you too!

I am not a saint by any stretch of the word. I try to be "good" but I am only human. My capacity for most things is greatly diminished these days.

today. Two days after I started this entry and despite trying to get centered I still feel like I am riding a super sonic soul centrifuge. The dark just keeps rolling in like raging storm and dampening any of the bright spots. 

Ah, so the blessed rental has it's central air fixed. Sure, my personal HVAC unit is in dire need of repairs. I don't have AC in my personal vehicle. We have someone whom we are paying to act on our behalf as property manager but I do not think he is really doing a very good job. The whole point of having that is to alleviate some of the headache that comes with renting property. The whole point is to have a reliable point of contact who protects OUR interest, not coddles the renter, or misinforms us as to the gravity of the situation. The whole point of paying this percentage every month is so that my husband doesn't end up in hospital or jail from having to deal with self-righteous, self-entitled, spoiled adult children.  EPIC FAIL. 

My anxiety has kicked in over the past few weeks. Manageable. Bearable to some extent. Completely unwelcome and annoying. There is no functional purpose for anxiety. I have no control over it. Trust me, I know all the techniques for healthy,non-prescription relief of anxiety. They fail to give me any relief anymore. So, what comes next better living through chemicals? I don't know. All that really does is dull the physiological so that you can pretend that everything is okay. If I am just going to dull the pain, why not just walk two blocks to the wine shop? Who cares that it's only about 11am? Obviously being responsible and mindful hasn't been working. 

Last night, I pretty much listened my husband renounce everything he believes. I heard him give up. I heard every bit of his hurt and pain. There's nothing I can do about it. I agree with him way too much on some points to be objective, but I am smart enough to not jump in and agree and set off a whole folie a deux we might later regret. I resent him a little too. After all, he has spent an inordinate amount of our time together basically telling me that I was mmmm, closed-minded in my view of faith and all that goes along with it. I can't be the closed-minded because I have sought outlets based on his recommendations. We found someplace we seemed to be able to both benefit from...and...now...

I can't speak for him but I feel like if there is a higher power then the last 12-18 months have only really just confirmed that we are not, nor will we ever be "chosen" people. You know, they say with jobs that if you don't have at least one person that you would consider your work BFF then you probably should considered moving on because it isn't a good fit for you. I don't have a church BFF. I officially gave up on trying to talk to people yesterday. I have had every faith that I would get this picnic coordinated with ease. It's not falling together as it should be, and if no ones else cares why should I? I agreed because I thought it would be a good way to get to know people better. I don't think that is really where people are at, they don't want to get to know me better. 

I find myself thinking a lot about my past, my husband's past, all the things that we both have overcome. All of those things that we have overcome are what made it easy to believe on some level that there is something more out there, that there is a higher level of consciousness that we humans are supposed to pursue and be rewarded by. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times. I often wish that I could take back all the money I spent on college and buy a muscle car. I would have gotten far more use out of a '69 GTO convertible over the past ten years than I have my college diploma. 

You might argue that all we overcame brought us together, but truth be told I am fairly sure that if we had met when we weren't all-together great specimens of man it wouldn't have changed anything. We would be a rough and tumble Jenny and Ryan, a white trash version of who were are now if I may be so crass. We both have been honest about our lives, warts and all, and not in any back handed or begrudging way. 

There really is no point to this. Or much point to anything really. No one gets out alive so why in the hell do we have to take it all so seriously all the time?

My mood in six songs or less...

It happened to have been the first song that my iPod played when I sat down, and well, let's just say it is striking a nerve.


Chaotic Dischord is probably not a band you have ever heard of, unless you have hung out with me extensively. For a long time, this song made it on to a great many mix tapes and burned CDs. We have all felt this way. I certainly feel this way right now. Kids are far too medicated today for punk to live on in this beautifully angsty way. Maybe it's better to be medicated, than beautiful and angsty, who knows.


The saddest song in the world. The only thing worse is if I break out the Tori Amos. Granted, Tori Amos never invaded my head and haunted me like this Aimee Mann song. "All the perfect drugs and superheros wouldn't be enough to bring me up to zero."


A list like this wouldn't be complete with out Waits. This particular song seems appropriate for many reasons. My anxiety flares up and burns my chest. I know it isn't a heartattack but I would imagine on a bad day that is feels pretty similar. Plus, "Don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk" Yeah, my God must be some sort of full on, raging alcoholic. It's how it feels lately. My faith is wearing thin. As a matter of fact, for the most part my belief, my faith, my wishing, my hoping, my praying has been met by the exact opposite of a solution. Hearing about these events being part of a plan or somehow co-created by me or that I haven't learned what I am supposed to yet has worn my patience thinner than my faith.


Someday. Isn't that what we are all waiting for? I know I keep working and plugging along on things in hopes that someday it will all pay off. I try to just be in the day, but the world really doesn't work like that any more. Not less, you go 100% off grid and hide out in a hole by yourself. Otherwise, people have expectations. Seems like no matter how much I try to live free of other people's expectations, their shoulds for me, I can't. I don't fit, won't fit, can't fit whatever mold they are trying to put over me. I have been trying very hard to be positive, but I just don't have the strength to do it when everyone around me is so negative. I have been working very hard at not getting pulled into other people's dramas, and you know what, it sucks. If I had wanted solitude, I would have stayed in my room as a kid. I would have delved into some sort of research career. And holed up in some cramped apartment with cats writing bad poetry late into the night.

Well, there's five. I told you six or less. Mostly because once I start playing music my mood tends to change. Well, and I get bored of it. Sitting around, typing out a blog no one reads, searching for songs on YouTube that no one has ever heard of.

I generally cranky and no one was written a song about that as far as I know.

Hopefully, I haven't depressed anyone too much. You should always take me with a grain of salt and a lime. I taste better that way. :-P

Captivating title wanted...

I should have gotten a livejournal, at least then I wouldn't feel so bad about not having an audience.

It is disappointing to keep putting oneself out there and not having anyone taking it. This blog, my other blog, my life, my stupid insistence that I need to keep trying.

For what? Continual disappointment. Perpetual sadness. Nagging insecurity.

If you keep reaching out and people keep running away, what is the incentive to keep trying?

My anxiety is through the roof today for various reasons. Mostly I am tired of trying, and tired of holding out hope and playing positive. Optimism is a luxury afforded people who already have what they need, so they can get what they want.

Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun

From an SEO point of view, I do a horrible job with my blog titles. I probably show up in a lot of searches for Pink Floyd.

I was lying upstairs listening to meditation music when that song title popped into my head. Since meditation is listening to God, I figured I would come down and listen to it.

I had started a different blog on a different subject but my whacked out sleep and heavy-heart are shifting me in a different direction. Not that my Rapture themed blog wasn't entertaining and informative. I just don't feel like finishing it.

Why the heavy-heart, Jen? Well, I don't know exactly. It isn't any one thing in particular. I tried to vocalize some of it earlier, but it just wouldn't come out of me. The sleeplessness is more a side effect of being generally wore down all the time and never really getting good rest. It was busy-ish weekend and I certainly paid for it today. It is the after dinner nap that is really doing me in right now.

I wonder if I am always supposed to be this disconnected. I have had plenty of counsel solicited and unsolicited about how to remedy the situation. I find myself back in the same place. Or at least it feels like the same place. I don't know.

I have noticed a few physical symptoms, and have been trying to remember the name of a book one of the minister's mentioned quite a few Sundays ago. Her husband, also a minister at our church, also has a radio show and is very frequently sent books to review. Spiritual swag. Anyway, this little book listed ailments and their corresponding spiritual block. She mentioned that she had been having a particular problem, and that when she flipped to that section she found it really insightful.

I did a search and came up with a completely interesting (to me) site that seems to be indicating that I may be having a spiritual awakening. My own personal Rapture. Woot! I have it bookmarked for more in-depth reading in the morning. What I have gotten through is fascinating. Plus, it is far more positive to believe that I am having a spiritual awakening rather than a nervous breakdown.

I gave up "thinking" for Lent. I don't know if I ever mentioned that, but it what I did. I worked at not (over)thinking things. I made a strong effort to be in the flow at all times. I did not pass go. I did not collect $200. Some of now is rooted in that experience. It was is very hard for me to live that way. Somewhere a long the line, I because this puppet-master character with a tangle of strings. It's the fear that gets me. Not knowing. I've spent a long time in a place where I felt like I had to know every thing. I don't know what it is about my family but I have noticed a definite sickness in the one up manship of knowledge. Experts on everything. I don't want to be that way. I am much happier that way...if I can sustain it.

I do not believe in any of this end times stuff literally. I made mention of a personal Rapture, and I do mean that. I think all of that is about shifts in consciousness. Paradigm changes. Etc, etc and on but I don't really have the fancy book-learning to back it up. I just know. And I don't need to throw a lot of other people's words around to prove my point because whether or not anyone else believes that way is none of my business. Every one's reality is there own. I may be part of it but I did not create it and I certainly don't perceive it in the same way as another.

So, it's good to know that I am not having a breakdown.What now? What comes next? Go snuggle up next to my husband and keep on keeping on. Later this morning seems like a good time to track down the Nemo DVD so I can remember how to keep swimming.

Lazy afternoon...sort of...

Cold and rainy here again. My brother has been here for awhile with his dog. It's been fun enough company the boy went down for a nap quite earlier than usual. Nice.

I know a couple of weeks ago I mentioned having a few things up my sleeve so to speak. I am finally at a place where I am excited to share. Well, the one I won't. I thought it would be good but it really wasn't for me. It actually made me think of Chuck Palahniuk's Lullaby. Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems that if life is imitating that art then maybe it's time to re-evaluate. Don't get me wrong, I love Chuck. I just don't want to live in one of his novels. So, you win some, you lose some, never hurts to try.

If my blogs have seemed less frequent, it is because I have started as a consultant with The Clever Container Company. A friend of mine introduced me to it back in February and I only recently became official. I am genuinely excited about building a business with them. I love the home parties, if only because it's a nice way to keep skills up without the hustle and bustle (and daycare cost) of a 9 to 5 gig. Since I am working with friends, even better!

I want to hold a party a week. I'm not looking to conquer Rome or reinvent the wheel. Just get out and about and make a little extra money. Not to mention, totally organize my house with great solutions!

That was one of the worse things about this past Fall is that we had barely gotten settled before Ryan lost his job. So, now here we are six months or so later with a mess. I stopped getting things together because I wasn't sure what necessities were really luxuries...or how long life was going to be that way. He may be back to work and I may be working on this but the road to recovery is far from traveled.

Clever Container is a lot of what I wanted in an company like this. Small, growing, supportive, with a lot of potential. I was really frustrated with other companies I have been affiliated with that had so many rules and regulations where I was never comfortable and never felt like I could be me or work the way that I am most successful.

I am running a blog for my Clever Container business because they have not yet implemented company rep sites. I wanted a place that I could post information that wasn't Facebook. I don't know if I am going set up anything on FB. It is a lot of work and sometimes not a lot of interaction.

cleverjennywolfe.blogspot.com is the page. Feel free to browse, critique, share with friends. Since I am still in an organizational phase, the content isn't as rich as I would like it to be but it will get there.

Til We Me Again~ Jen

Not all grey skies...

Not today. A better day.

Despite the absolutely abysmal weather, today has not been a complete loss. Sure, I haven't been motivated to do a hell of a lot but at least I can recognize my defects.

Tried to take the boy out to play and it was just too cold and wet to deal with. He was really upset, too. He is at that age where he can't always recognize the situation for what it is...he thought he did something wrong which upset him even more. It is really hard to explain to a two-year old that the conditions outside just aren't conducive to playing ball. Yet, for some reason he does totally understand that Netflix on the Wii is crap, and by crap I mean never works properly. So for the better part of the afternoon before his nap, he referred to everything that wasn't work as he thought it should as crap. Well, at least it was only crap I said.

My other half had lunch with the big boss today. That's always interesting to hear about. He seems to really be liking this new job. It's kind of weird really, it is nearly twenty of six and he isn't home yet. And by weird, I just mean hard to get used to sometimes. He used to always be home by quarter after, and even though I keep adjusting my cooking start, I still find myself trying to keep dinner warm. 

*Flash Forward through dinner and shopping with my daughter*

Just got back from shopping with Jordan. She plans to start jogging and needed shoes. Went to E-B and didn't find what she wanted, but picked up a couple of other things. Then we stopped at Goodwill, where we made out like bandits. She found a pair of practically new Reeboks for $4 and a few other things. I found a helmet for the boy for $2. Always nice to find exactly what you need at a good price. She wasn't in the market for Reeboks but you know what they say about the shoe fitting LOL

So, wow the day got better.

I still haven't accomplished much. And I certainly am not doing so sitting here on my hindquarters typing this but it's okay...

Heartburn and other minor annoyances....

Yeah, I don't know where this heartburn is coming from tonight. It has been a long day. Most of them feel much longer that the twenty-four hours that they actually are. I didn't really do much other than tend to the boy. It's harder lately because of the weather. If we can't get outside. then we have to find some place to go, usually the mall or somewhere with a playland. I am really burned out on the latter. 

It seems like physical ailment night for me. The heartburn, then some really nasty joint pain in my fingers. I am not old enough to feel this bad. If I could sleep it would probably help matters, but I feel really antsy.

I wish there was a device that could actually record your thoughts. I have had a couple of topics floating around my head but by the time I get to sit down and do anything....POOF! GONE! It's very frustrating. Not just the forgetting but the whole lack of time and energy that I have anymore. 


I don't know what to do. I am really discontent. I shudder to even say that because people misconstrue what I am saying. Then, I get a bunch of lectures about gratitude and whatnot. Wonderful. My life...now with 25% more aggravation. You should laugh at that, it is meant to be funny.

Bloody hell my hand is throbbing. No injury, just something weird going on. I couldn't find the Tylenol or whatever it is we have, so I am left with affirmations. Don't laugh, it works...most of the time...but it sometimes takes a bit longer. I could sleep it off if I could get to sleep. 


Wow, that was a bunch of wasted time, wasn't it?