If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My mood in six songs or less...

It happened to have been the first song that my iPod played when I sat down, and well, let's just say it is striking a nerve.

Chaotic Dischord is probably not a band you have ever heard of, unless you have hung out with me extensively. For a long time, this song made it on to a great many mix tapes and burned CDs. We have all felt this way. I certainly feel this way right now. Kids are far too medicated today for punk to live on in this beautifully angsty way. Maybe it's better to be medicated, than beautiful and angsty, who knows.

The saddest song in the world. The only thing worse is if I break out the Tori Amos. Granted, Tori Amos never invaded my head and haunted me like this Aimee Mann song. "All the perfect drugs and superheros wouldn't be enough to bring me up to zero."

A list like this wouldn't be complete with out Waits. This particular song seems appropriate for many reasons. My anxiety flares up and burns my chest. I know it isn't a heartattack but I would imagine on a bad day that is feels pretty similar. Plus, "Don't you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk" Yeah, my God must be some sort of full on, raging alcoholic. It's how it feels lately. My faith is wearing thin. As a matter of fact, for the most part my belief, my faith, my wishing, my hoping, my praying has been met by the exact opposite of a solution. Hearing about these events being part of a plan or somehow co-created by me or that I haven't learned what I am supposed to yet has worn my patience thinner than my faith.

Someday. Isn't that what we are all waiting for? I know I keep working and plugging along on things in hopes that someday it will all pay off. I try to just be in the day, but the world really doesn't work like that any more. Not less, you go 100% off grid and hide out in a hole by yourself. Otherwise, people have expectations. Seems like no matter how much I try to live free of other people's expectations, their shoulds for me, I can't. I don't fit, won't fit, can't fit whatever mold they are trying to put over me. I have been trying very hard to be positive, but I just don't have the strength to do it when everyone around me is so negative. I have been working very hard at not getting pulled into other people's dramas, and you know what, it sucks. If I had wanted solitude, I would have stayed in my room as a kid. I would have delved into some sort of research career. And holed up in some cramped apartment with cats writing bad poetry late into the night.

Well, there's five. I told you six or less. Mostly because once I start playing music my mood tends to change. Well, and I get bored of it. Sitting around, typing out a blog no one reads, searching for songs on YouTube that no one has ever heard of.

I generally cranky and no one was written a song about that as far as I know.

Hopefully, I haven't depressed anyone too much. You should always take me with a grain of salt and a lime. I taste better that way. :-P

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