This is an entry that I started 6/8 but put aside to do my mood in six songs or less. This font this color is what I have written today.
I was thinking of some lyrics to a Waits song, but pulled this one up. I clearly know that this is NOT the song I was thinking of but yet it is what I typed. Weird how the mind and the fingers communicate sometimes isn't it?
Do you ever just wonder what the point of any of this all is? I have had a less than stellar day, like the third in a row. I mentioned in my status on Facebook that I was having some difficulties, might have been nice if someone other than my husband acknowledged them. The positive there is that is proves that we are not co-dependent and in fact it really is that no one else talks to me.
As I am writing this, he is slamming things around in the kitchen. Stupid rental. Stupid renters. Stupid us for ever thinking that we might get somewhere peaceful in life. Of course, two days ago, the bad mood was because he had been in Chicago and coming back here was really depressing. Thanks honey, I love you too!
I am not a saint by any stretch of the word. I try to be "good" but I am only human. My capacity for most things is greatly diminished these days.
today. Two days after I started this entry and despite trying to get centered I still feel like I am riding a super sonic soul centrifuge. The dark just keeps rolling in like raging storm and dampening any of the bright spots.
Ah, so the blessed rental has it's central air fixed. Sure, my personal HVAC unit is in dire need of repairs. I don't have AC in my personal vehicle. We have someone whom we are paying to act on our behalf as property manager but I do not think he is really doing a very good job. The whole point of having that is to alleviate some of the headache that comes with renting property. The whole point is to have a reliable point of contact who protects OUR interest, not coddles the renter, or misinforms us as to the gravity of the situation. The whole point of paying this percentage every month is so that my husband doesn't end up in hospital or jail from having to deal with self-righteous, self-entitled, spoiled adult children. EPIC FAIL.
My anxiety has kicked in over the past few weeks. Manageable. Bearable to some extent. Completely unwelcome and annoying. There is no functional purpose for anxiety. I have no control over it. Trust me, I know all the techniques for healthy,non-prescription relief of anxiety. They fail to give me any relief anymore. So, what comes next better living through chemicals? I don't know. All that really does is dull the physiological so that you can pretend that everything is okay. If I am just going to dull the pain, why not just walk two blocks to the wine shop? Who cares that it's only about 11am? Obviously being responsible and mindful hasn't been working.
Last night, I pretty much listened my husband renounce everything he believes. I heard him give up. I heard every bit of his hurt and pain. There's nothing I can do about it. I agree with him way too much on some points to be objective, but I am smart enough to not jump in and agree and set off a whole folie a deux we might later regret. I resent him a little too. After all, he has spent an inordinate amount of our time together basically telling me that I was mmmm, closed-minded in my view of faith and all that goes along with it. I can't be the closed-minded because I have sought outlets based on his recommendations. We found someplace we seemed to be able to both benefit from...and...now...
I can't speak for him but I feel like if there is a higher power then the last 12-18 months have only really just confirmed that we are not, nor will we ever be "chosen" people. You know, they say with jobs that if you don't have at least one person that you would consider your work BFF then you probably should considered moving on because it isn't a good fit for you. I don't have a church BFF. I officially gave up on trying to talk to people yesterday. I have had every faith that I would get this picnic coordinated with ease. It's not falling together as it should be, and if no ones else cares why should I? I agreed because I thought it would be a good way to get to know people better. I don't think that is really where people are at, they don't want to get to know me better.
I find myself thinking a lot about my past, my husband's past, all the things that we both have overcome. All of those things that we have overcome are what made it easy to believe on some level that there is something more out there, that there is a higher level of consciousness that we humans are supposed to pursue and be rewarded by. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times. I often wish that I could take back all the money I spent on college and buy a muscle car. I would have gotten far more use out of a '69 GTO convertible over the past ten years than I have my college diploma.
You might argue that all we overcame brought us together, but truth be told I am fairly sure that if we had met when we weren't all-together great specimens of man it wouldn't have changed anything. We would be a rough and tumble Jenny and Ryan, a white trash version of who were are now if I may be so crass. We both have been honest about our lives, warts and all, and not in any back handed or begrudging way.
There really is no point to this. Or much point to anything really. No one gets out alive so why in the hell do we have to take it all so seriously all the time?