If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun

From an SEO point of view, I do a horrible job with my blog titles. I probably show up in a lot of searches for Pink Floyd.

I was lying upstairs listening to meditation music when that song title popped into my head. Since meditation is listening to God, I figured I would come down and listen to it.

I had started a different blog on a different subject but my whacked out sleep and heavy-heart are shifting me in a different direction. Not that my Rapture themed blog wasn't entertaining and informative. I just don't feel like finishing it.

Why the heavy-heart, Jen? Well, I don't know exactly. It isn't any one thing in particular. I tried to vocalize some of it earlier, but it just wouldn't come out of me. The sleeplessness is more a side effect of being generally wore down all the time and never really getting good rest. It was busy-ish weekend and I certainly paid for it today. It is the after dinner nap that is really doing me in right now.

I wonder if I am always supposed to be this disconnected. I have had plenty of counsel solicited and unsolicited about how to remedy the situation. I find myself back in the same place. Or at least it feels like the same place. I don't know.

I have noticed a few physical symptoms, and have been trying to remember the name of a book one of the minister's mentioned quite a few Sundays ago. Her husband, also a minister at our church, also has a radio show and is very frequently sent books to review. Spiritual swag. Anyway, this little book listed ailments and their corresponding spiritual block. She mentioned that she had been having a particular problem, and that when she flipped to that section she found it really insightful.

I did a search and came up with a completely interesting (to me) site that seems to be indicating that I may be having a spiritual awakening. My own personal Rapture. Woot! I have it bookmarked for more in-depth reading in the morning. What I have gotten through is fascinating. Plus, it is far more positive to believe that I am having a spiritual awakening rather than a nervous breakdown.

I gave up "thinking" for Lent. I don't know if I ever mentioned that, but it what I did. I worked at not (over)thinking things. I made a strong effort to be in the flow at all times. I did not pass go. I did not collect $200. Some of now is rooted in that experience. It was is very hard for me to live that way. Somewhere a long the line, I because this puppet-master character with a tangle of strings. It's the fear that gets me. Not knowing. I've spent a long time in a place where I felt like I had to know every thing. I don't know what it is about my family but I have noticed a definite sickness in the one up manship of knowledge. Experts on everything. I don't want to be that way. I am much happier that way...if I can sustain it.

I do not believe in any of this end times stuff literally. I made mention of a personal Rapture, and I do mean that. I think all of that is about shifts in consciousness. Paradigm changes. Etc, etc and on but I don't really have the fancy book-learning to back it up. I just know. And I don't need to throw a lot of other people's words around to prove my point because whether or not anyone else believes that way is none of my business. Every one's reality is there own. I may be part of it but I did not create it and I certainly don't perceive it in the same way as another.

So, it's good to know that I am not having a breakdown.What now? What comes next? Go snuggle up next to my husband and keep on keeping on. Later this morning seems like a good time to track down the Nemo DVD so I can remember how to keep swimming.

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