Hmmm...

I wrote yesterday...I have no idea where it ended up. So, here you go:

Cake or Death--7/18/2006
"To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it; to go through intrigue spotless; and to forgo even ambition when the end is gained - who can say this is not greatness?" ~ William Makepeace Thackeray

Quote of the day on Wikiquote, I would suspect maybe someone is trying to tell me something. Or I could
just be trying to make myself feel a little better.

So much I could write about.

I'm really getting bummed out about the state of my financial affairs.'Specially with
the holiday season right around the corner.

I sent out quite a few resumes, hopefully I will get positive responses. I'm a little worried about gaps in insurance coverage and whatnot.
Jordan has to have some dental work done on top of her regularly scheduled cleaning.
Plus, she's due for her 6 month check on her eyes.

Well, I know I could get her in sooner than later, but things at the old job
have gotten worse and I am afraid of getting in trouble. On top of that
I have to coordinate it with the day camp schedule.

I have to work tomorrow night. I'm pretty sure though that if I didn't so
desperately need the cash I would quit.

I think one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made is moving to that damn condo.
I'd like to get out, but see above statement about finances.
My goal has always been to move by next summer,
but it's going to take a miracle for that to happen.

Sigh, all I ever wanted...it's hard not to think I went wrong somewhere.

90 days same as cash

So, I've been perusing the old myspace tonight. I started out on one of my friends and clicked around. One thing that is interesting to me is some of the interconnectedness of people who don't know each other. I was noticing that some of the friends of one chick I know were also friends of another chick I know, but I know that they do not know each other. Just little stuff like that...

I may break down and do myspace. There are people there that I haven't talked to in years. We graduated and went our separate ways. I'd like to think that we could still have some of the same fun we used to. A few of them are old BBS friends. Although, one of them I came across is related to a ex-boyfriend that hope never finds me, so there is a big argument against myspace.

Work was okay. I ended up with parking lot duty which amounts to 6 hours of sitting and waiting for handicapped people to come so I can move cones to let them in. Six hours of contemplation...sweet!

I got a lot of my angst out earlier in the day so I'm feeling pretty groovy now. It's weird the way I get home from there and am energized. Plus, working there seems to be making the summer go at a slower pace. I dunno, it's only been a month since we came back from Florida but it doesn't seem like it.

What else? Hmmm...my previous predictions probably should be revisited.

My summer predictions:
1. I will still be watching the aforementioned programs I've hardly watched any TV, and when I do it's been movies or whatever Jo wants.
2. Things might get a little better, but only through the power of grain alcoholExcept for the 4th and Panic! at the Disco, I've hardly drank.
3. I will probably lose 10 or more pounds. (I've actually lost 5 in the last 2 weeks and I wasn't even trying. I find I keep forgetting to eat.) I am now down to 155 which marks an additional 5 pounds since I wrote that at the end of May. As I am not trying or making any effort to lose weight when I hit 150 I may make an appointment to see my hot doc because losing all this weight without actually trying probably means there is something wrong with me.
4. The closest I will get to taking up kickboxing is watching UFC. See previous TV comments.
5. I may collapse of exhaustion in August. (Something like 27 of the 31 days have shows scheduled) Not likely to happen as I've purposely requested like every other day off.
6. I will love my second job making me hate my real job more. Love is probably an overstatment, but it does make me feel that much more like slitting my wrist at my day job.
7. Sometime around the end of July, how I really feel will hit me hard and no one will understand. (Bonus if it happens during George Thorogood & the Destroyers) It's already hit. I'll be alright though. Last I checked he isn't the last man on earth.
8. I will finally find how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Mmmmm, Tootsie Pop...
9. Jordan will take more steps toward being a horrible teenager, thus adding to my sadness and frustration. check, check, and double check
10. I will get sunburned in Florida. I did not. Nor did I really get any sort of tan.

Welp, kids I'm off to bed. I think we're going to go on a little day trip tomorrow so I should rest up.

Because the ears aren't listening...

Here I am sorta counting down the minutes 'til I have to work. Woohoo...work...again...

I was bopping around some dating sites. Nothing really piqued my interest. It looks like all the guys I didn't want to talk to 8 months ago are still there. I'm going to have to figure out this meeting people thing before the holidays. I don't think I can bear another holiday season mostly alone.

Whilst I was cleaning earlier, I was contemplating whether or not I should act upon some mild crushes I have. I'm heavily leaning toward no. Unfortunately for me, certain people's answer to being put outside the circle of trust is to talk all sorts o' crazy shit about me. I dunno, I guess it's time to find new places to hang out and new people to do it with. Sniff-sniff, I'm gonna miss you Trolley Stop but it's for the best. Sigh, I hate leaning toward no, it defeats the optimism I've been trying to cultivate.

I realize that I have said some fairly hurtful things this week. It's true what they say about the truth. I can't take any of it back; part of me wishes it was just me trying to be purposely malicious so that I could.

Nothing exciting on the horizon for me. I wish I could change that. I need someone to come in and hit me with the force of a Mack truck. Bonus if they aren't hung up on someone else.

Although, in lieu of all that, I'd settle for one tumultuous rebound relationship. The shorter, the better.

Perhaps I should just join the dark side, I certainly seem suited to evil.

On insomnia and bad dreams...

So, even though I went to bed at 8:40, I couldn't tell you when I actually went to sleep. I tossed and turned and laid there in state somewhere more near awake than asleep for sometime. To say the least, it was a horrible night. Just on lack asleep alone I feel shitty. Ah, but add to that my dream and I'm pretty much worthless for the day. I'm not even sure a coffee IV would help at all.

 

Yeah, so of this dream...It was my wedding day, moments before my big entrance. Rob was the lucky guy...or unlucky since I created a small diversion and bolted. I'm not talking some high anxiety second-thoughts breakdown, but full on sprinting out of the church. I ran and ran as fast as I could like some horrible something was chasing me. Finally, I holed up under the stairs of this cottage that apparently belonged to an old friend of mine. It was the whole if anyone asks I'm not here, you haven't seen me. But it didn't workout, people found me and it wasn't pretty...

 

All I can do I guess is shake it off.

 

Funny thing about relationships is that you don't always know what the other person is thinking. I broke up with him 2 months ago. A lot has happened since then, mostly internally but a lot a lot. Maybe I'm not as scattered as I would have people believe because I know the answers to many questions. I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching, a lot of reading. I have had nights where I miss him, and nights when I am glad he is gone.

 

I've wondered what the private portions of their respective live journals say. I know that it can't be good based on her entry where she thanked everyone for their support during the girlfriend issue. I forget how she put it exactly, but it made me angry. Like I was just some game they were both playing that didn't work out. I think that is one of the things that really bothers me...he and I should have never been any of her concern. She should have never been a party to the relationship, but he made her one. When things would flare up, it always seemed like I was left on my own to defend myself because he was always on her side. Back to the private portions, because they share friends any future relationship would just be the vilified Jenny in a state of constant defense against an erroneously painted picture of me.

 

There's a whole lack of trust/comfort that I don't think even therapy could fix. I've had too much time to seethe. I'll admit there were some days in the beginning of the break-up where I kinda needed him. Things were happening to me, and they may have concerned him. Instead I kept to myself, luckily it wasn't anything I feared it was but that time with me once again being the solver of my issues really made me reconsider what life would be like with him.

 

That's all I've got to say about him...for now.

 

As for other boys...just indulge me in the fantasy that Chad will inhabit my couch for several weeks or that I might run into Adam somewhere. I need something to look forward to in my life. I know that Chad is Chad and all I have to do is agree with him to scare him off. I know that in long run, hmm, well, maybe it wouldn't be a life I wanted. It's easy to think up a rosy life and disregard all that I actually know. Granted, I've never entirely done that with him. I have from time to time, imagined an intervention or two. Chad just happens to hold a special place in my heart, because of things that he has done in the past that have bought him a huge leeway for screwing up. Adam, as I have said before, is just dreamy and good with the talkin'. I don't know much more, but hey if pretty can be enough for girls than it should be okay for guys too!

 

In other news, I'm feeling like a horrible mother. Which shouldn't really be news at all?

 

I think I'm going to go Google pics of Davey Havok  or something that doesn't resemble giving more of myself to this thankless job.

Scattered like Waffle House hash browns

Ever have the feeling that everything really does suck?

Why do I find AFI's Davey Havok so damned attractive?

I'm not ever going to find a different job, am I?

I'm always going to be in debt over my head, aren't I?

Should I play silly schoolgirl and take my CDs to Gem City to sell?

Did all the decent men move out of this area and take the jobs with them?

Why can't I just bitch slap people?

Why have I not been taking anything for my migraine?

Is there really pleasure in pain?

Or is it just an excuse to go to bed at 8:30 in the evening?

Tomorrow is another day, but will it be a better day?

I find myself thinking a lot about my high school sweetheart. I can't fully remember or totally explain the Last Boy Scout conversation, but it is totally appropriate to life lately. So, is it safe to say that Jon is the reason I am the way I am?

Is that not scary?

Sigh...what else can we talk about?

Davey Havok, did I mention he's attractive?

I'm off to bed...8:40pm...what a drag it is getting old...

Haven't you ever heard of...

...closing the goddamn door...

It's funny how once you've seen something live, it totally changes your radio/cd version of it. I dig that song even more now that it has weird memories with it. So yeah, now I've totally got "I Write Sins, Not Tragedies" stuck in my head...

I was going to write a whole bit about how fun it's been looking at the Google News page at work and seeing news of Syd Barrett's death and the story about 'shrooms possibly having good mental benefits on the same screen. Just don't feel like it now. Although, my dad's coolness is further validated as I'm pretty sure he has the UK import of Pipers at the Gate of Dawn...original that he bought in 10th grade or so. He probably has told me where he bought it, sadly that place probably doesn't exist anymore. Damn this town...

Jordan just asked if she could dress me next time I have a date. I told her yes, but that it would probably be a longtime from now because I don't know anyone. Anyone at all. Jesus, what happened to the line-up?

Monday again

Well kids, it's a day. Listening to Wilco right now, somehow it seemed appropriate.

 

Last night, I was IMing with a friend of mine. He made a comment that I seemed exasperated, and found it odd that he could sense that tone from what little I typing. Eventually, he told me that I should cry if I want to...after all it is my party :) Too numb to really cry, doesn't solve anything, never changes anything, really no point in it, now is there?

 

It's really hard to be optimistic. How long have I been looking for a new job? A boyfriend? A few extra dollars? A clean house? To eliminate my debts? To remove embarrassing sweat stains? To get Jordan the lessons she wants?

 

Last night, I dreamt of among other things, someone I dated a very longtime ago, an odd little dream to say the least. He was probably the last guy I dated that blindsided me. I never saw our break-up coming, everything was good, not perfect but good. I remember that night so well even now. I said a lot of things. Nothing I regretted then or now, especially since about two or so years after that we went to a movie when he was in town to see his parents. He told me that I had been right about a lot of the things that I had said. I hate being right. None of that was in the dream, I just sort of wonder why he popped into one. He's not someone that I think about often or anything.

 

There's no one reason for the way I feel right now. There is a mélange of all the "normal" stuff. I dunno, what's exacerbating it? In no particular order...

 

Well, that whole thing with my friend I have been sorta talking about. It's really quite sad how easily I swoon to him, how effortlessly my brain knits complex fantasies. I have a problem. It's not the first time I've admitted it. I just I've been trying to wrap my head around the why of it all. Even standing at work Saturday night, I could kick into that mode. Part of me wonders if it would make me really happy if he and I were to actually hook-up for real, for a change. Part of me kinda sorta really knows that I like to think about, like an artificial happy place (or a crutch depending on who you talk to.) So there is all of that and that mess of emotions and ponderings and etcetera etcetera...

 

As far as Rob and I go, I am more than most definitely sure that things aren't going to change the way that I need them to so that possibility of catching the train next time it comes around is probably into negative numbers by now. Which leads me to...

 

I'm going to have to reinstate the not dating anyone who has been married or had kids rule. The kids I might be able to bend, but it's unlikely because well, just think about it. Of course, at my whim, I can grandfather a few in but again pure fantasy because they didn't call me then what would make them call me now?

 

I'm a little scared about the possibility of Lorrie coming home next month. Everything she said she'd do as far as kicking my ass in to a better mood, and hooking me up with someone, she will make good on. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

 

I bet it's nice out today. Hot, humid and sunny...too bad I can't see it from here.

 

:'(