Naked

Driving home from Walmart, this song came on. It's one of those oh I used to love bands...that I never listen to now. I listened to it twice.

You're naked inside your fear
Can't take back all those years
Shots in the dark from empty guns
Never heard by anyone
Never heard by anyone 

It just really hit me. Idk, since y'all don't live in my head and I have been MIA the past week it would be difficult to catch you up to speed. And just so ya know, despite the somewhat somber tone of the song... I feel perty good. I can tell that I have changed. My attitude on this job is different. Probably a number of reasons why, but it's a nice change. It takes a lot of pressure of to not be looking for the next step up and to instead be focused on total mastery of this level.

Sigh, perhaps I learned that too quickly because there are some possibilities that may interfere with this job. It's really quite hilarious that it seems like every time I find a job, my other half has a new opportunity thrown at him. He deserves it. I find it funny really. And again, in a show of change, I am not worried.

I very rarely ever write down anything at church. Okay, anything serious. It's been months ago, but there was something that I was said that struck me so profoundly I dug a crumpled receipt out of my purse and scribbled it down. It was in my wallet until last week when I put it on my dashboard.

God's will will never take you where God's grace will not sustain you.

I have heard variations of that that left me flat or were just flat out annoying. I don't know if it was the delivery or perhaps just the receiver's state of mind that made that resonate with me so much. Or maybe it's just because it sounds more cosmopolitan than "If He leads you to it, He'll lead you through it" I don't know. 

If ANYTHING...I know that "Naked" hit me the way it did tonight because it's one of those songs that I am hearing with different ears. I am really grateful to not be in that place anymore where I feel bounded by all my fears. It's raw and an uncomfortable and really not that fun to live. Dude, I am far from perfect or fearless or whole but I am working on it. I guess that's something. Shrug. Idk. 

I probably seem crazy and rambling because the last couple of weeks of my life. OMG, you just wouldn't believe it if I told and I really think that some of those weirdo things that happen...you aren't supposed to tell about directly. So here's to not being naked and living so that I can help other people find their clothes too. TTFN.

Throwback Thursday: Remembering when boys were stupid

So when I started in 2005, I was single. It would be almost a year and a half before I met my husband.

My dating life was...well...drama is an understatement. Realizing this, I probably won't be throwing back to every post because some of these post are complete snapshots of pain and even in all their humor aren't worth giving the light of day to at all.

This post is one that is funny to me now. It wasn't as funny to me then but here we are seven years later and I am happily married and the dude I was bitching about is still bouncing around trying to find himself. Granted it's probably been five years since I had any news about him, but one of us is on the down side of forty now and I kinda think that by time you get there nothing short of a miracle could change you.

Not going to try the frame today, just not feeling the extra keystrokes. So, for today's throwback enjoyment: Friday, June 24, 2005 <3

Wordless Wednesday: Michigan Daydream

Dawn of a new day...or something like that...

Have to report to my first day of training in roughly an hour and a half. Not sure what to expect. I don't have butterflies, but then I also don't have an ounce of anticipatory excitement. Other than the company and the job title, it's a complete unknown. I ended up going through an agency to find a job. Well, actually, it's a little different than that exactly but who cares about details.

In some ways, nothing about this is ideal. The shift. The distance. The job title. So, here's to learning what I am supposed to learn on this leg of my journey as quickly as possible to so I can move on.

So, wish me luck, I guess. I'm sure my posting here will be sporadic until I can get into some sort of rhythm.

Probably shouldn't have switched to decaf :)

Throwback Thursday aka Recycled Post

I need to get back on track because posting means page views and page views mean progress.

I officially...I guess officially...started blogging on June 24, 2005. Back then it was called "Chisel Point for Deeper Penetration"...a name that I stole off a box of staples and have always thought would be pretty funny printed on a pair of boxers.

And yes, I do realize there are some framing issues. I'm no coder. Just someone who does this as a hobby. Maybe someday, I'll actually take a class or something. Some day like never. Anyway...6/24/05 for your throwback enjoyment:

Wordless Wednesday

Blogger Opportunity: Labor Day Blogfest & bookfair

If you are a blogger looking for more traffic, then look no further! All deets: http://www.vbhoppermania.com/2012/08/melyndas-labor-day-blogfest-book-fair.html

Wordless Wednesday

All Star Music 2006

You need to learn to drive with the fear, and there ain't nothin' more goddamn frightening than driving with a live cougar in the car. - Reese Bobby

I have been thinking about this movie scene mostly because I have been drowning in this subject.  Fear. Anxiety. Dread.

I don't really know how I am still up at 1:18am considering that I did not get good rest last night. Restless. Unpleasant dreams. Just drained.

The course of the last several days has really put me on edge. Now, for the record, I am not saying that no one is on the same edge. I can't speak for other people. I can only speak for me...and it's not an uptempo song right now.

I am usually pretty fearless. Oh, I have my my moments. Everyone does. But this right now, I can't shake it. The only reason these fears are starting to draw shadows on me is because my defenses are completely wore down. I am a dead battery.
It's kinda starting to look like game over and I am so tired of this game I am not even in the mood to try to find the time extender or extra life. 

I have completely lost all confidence. I am not joking. I will seriously punch the next person who says some bs like fall down seven times get up eight or you only fail when you stop trying or that things get better. I needed them better yesterday. I can not endure another setback. And lest you want to write me off as a whiner, I don't believe that my family and I have had a moments peace in four years. Starting with the week my son was born to now...I am not sure that I remember what happy...truly at ease, content, happy really feels like.

It's always something. It always is. I get that. Nothing is smooth. I wasn't born yesterday. I don't expect life to be as cheerfully surreal as an Old Navy commercial. I would expect a modicum of effort to produce some sort of positive result. I don't know maybe I expect too  much. There is a fine line between dreamer and fool, perhaps I have been kidding myself about which side of the line that I am on.


If I could learn to drive with the cougar, mebbee just mebbee, I could sleep. I mean like really sleep. Rock hard, solid, restful and rejuvenating sleep like I haven't experienced since...probably since about June or July of 2008. Hmm...you know, on that line...I think I have a great big huge colossal enormous resentment against God, the universe, fate, whatever you want to call it. I resent having been put in a position where I truly felt good and optimistic and hopeful. That first year of marriage, being pregnant with my son, and my husband, daughter and I really coming together as a family.

Smfh. It's entirely too late tonight early this morning to rehash that. I mean, even the people who might be reading this and think they know what I am talking about (except for R) you don't. I mean you might know some of the pains but you don't know them all or the depths of them.

I dunno, the whole driving with the cougar thing is along the same lines as walking by faith which I don't think I am capable of doing. I mean, I thought I was going with the flow and letting go but then something happens. Not something good. Never. Ever. I don't remember the last time something happened that just made me think  yeah, okay, everything is going to be just fine. 

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...I couldn't really get into a car with a cougar anyway. It would probably instantly maul me and that'd just be one more shitty thing for my kids to go through. Shrug. Idk. Idfk.

I never really been here. Seriously. There was always a light. But now there's just this...