Oh yeah, oh yeah...

You have not lived until you have wiped down the seats at Fraze Pavilion. Not one or two, but rows and rows...

 

I'm tired.

 

It was quite nice to not think about anything for four hours, tho.

 

Not sure I like it as much as I thought I would, but it was only the first day.

 

Not thinking is good. For nanoseconds today, I found myself pondering the probability that I may be running out of chances. It was a horrible, depressing thought. If I'm lucky I'll be able to drink it away this weekend with one of my favorite drinking buddies. If not, I'll just drink it away myself.

Note to self

STOP watching "Whose Wedding is it Anyway?"!

 

STOP watching Oxygen On-demand!

 

STOP thinking that when you wake up, everything will be magically better!

 

TAKE up kickboxing.

************************

I'm getting better at pushing it all away.

Embracing it all wasn't working.

Although, truthfully, the only real difference is less nausea.

 

I can't even look at him.

 

*Shakes head*

 

Good for me I have to be at my second job @ 6 tomorrow.

Means no time for thinking.

 

My summer predictions:

1. I will still be watching the aforementioned programs

2. Things might get a little better, but only through the power of grain alcohol

3. I will probably lose 10 or more pounds. (I've actually lost 5 in the last 2 weeks and I wasn't even trying. I find I keep forgetting to eat.)

4. The closest I will get to taking up kickboxing is watching UFC.

5. I may collapse of exhaustion in August. (Something like 27 of the 31 days have shows scheduled)

6. I will love my second job making me hate my real job more.

7. Sometime around the end of July, how I really feel will hit me hard and no one will understand. (Bonus if it happens during George Thorogood & the Destroyers)

8. I will finally find how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

9. Jordan will take more steps toward being a horrible teenager, thus adding to my sadness and frustration.

10. I will get sunburned in Florida.

 

 

 

Hypervitaminosis

Or maybe not. No, I'm going to blame the vitamins.

 

I'm enjoying this weird place that I am at. I'm laughing at a lot of people right now. Maniacally laughing. Thinking of self-amusing diabolical plots, like hooking up Rachel and Alice.

 

I'm laughing because I'm reading things that maybe I shouldn't, but as I never promised to stop well. It cracks me up the tone of some people's thoughts. As if I didn't attempt some other way. Must people always insist on underestimating and discounting me. Not that it bothers me considering the source. There's a whole lot to be said here, but it shall have to wait 'til if ever get a new page. Experience tells me that sentences starting with pretentious, pseudo-intellectual slacker always inflame a few emotions.

 

I don't know what the hell I am still doing up at this hour! Sober and calm, no less!

 

It's been a pretty good day all in all. I haven't felt overwhelmingly sad today. Hell, I don't even think I had to yell at Jordan all day. Well, wait, once at my parent's when she was playing human sprinkler with the hose, but that was for her own good.

 

I've had a few weird, random thoughts about him and I. I'm really trying not to think about any of it or I will just end up sad and polishing off the Cuervo and shiraz. MMmmm, colorful. Not real productive, either, come to think of it.

 

Sigh, most of the thoughts have been residual from our conversation yesterday. No details to give, but maybe just some lyrics that I think fit.

 

 

If only light didn't come in the morning.
If only darkness didn't fall at night.
If only you and me had led different lives, baby.
I know that everything would have turned out alright.

If only you.
If only me.
If only you.
If only me.

    -- If Only -- Information Society

In lieu of lecture, we bring you the weather

So, obviously I didn't have trouble sleeping last night....or did I?

 

I dreamt of tornadoes and multiple motorcycle accidents and all sorts of disturbing things. Ah, my friend the tornado!

 

I went through a period, a long time ago that I dreamt of tornadoes with such regularity that I finally broke down and looked up the meaning.

I'm not surprised that I should be dreaming of tornadoes now, as from what I have gathered they signify great emotional upheaval.

 

Hmm, yeah, I think I have a little of that going on here.

 

Probably doesn't help that as I drifted to sleep I was thinking of him.

 

I watched "10 Things I Hate About You" last night, too. (There's something from that movie in something I gave him, so it probably contributed.)

 

It's not just about him and I...all this chaos. 

There's work and Alice the trash talker and my pending trip to Florida and my second job and the kid and of course, money, money, money.

 

I hope that I come back from Florida recharged (or as recharged as you can be spending 5 days with the Mouse and a 10-year old.)

 

I'm still thinking about that want and need thing I mentioned yesterday.

 

There's so much that I have done for myself.

It has been one of the better things to come out of all of this for me.

I don't need anyone to complete me. I don't need anyone to

pay my bills and buy me stuff and take care of me.

 

I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice to have someone with whom to share my burden's, I'm just saying that I'm not going to fall apart without it.

 

I guess for that I shall always lose out on certain things...but I won't be any worse off for it.

Perhaps there is a move in my future...

I didn't realize this but Rachel has been reading my blog all along. Turns out when Rob posted to his LJ or whatever my little dilantin poem, she Googled it to find me. Heh, and she has the nerve to call me insecure.

 

He and I had a long talk to day, a fairly productive talk I might add.

 

I guess one of the things that he has asked her to do is stop reading my blog. (Tell me it's not tempting to get all crazy up in here right now.) I don't think she will. As a matter of fact, one of the things that he and I discussed my complete lack of faith that she will ever change in the ways that he has promised and quit being the needy pain in the ass that she is. Seriously, she's an adult her freakin' former husband shouldn't have to constantly counsel her through what is and isn't appropriate behavior. That was really hard for me, because if I could stop believing that I would have to hire security for my wedding or conversely have my reception interrupted because of some desperate plea for attention on her part, then I might be less reticent about the chances for a future.

 

I feel really horrible because he hasn't been sleeping well, and it's partly my fault. He'll probably sleep worse tonight, because productive doesn't always mean positive. I know my head has been in warp drive since our conversation.

 

To make matters worse, the pool decided to have the MIX station on today...sit in the bathtub and slit your wrist love songs.

 

What did my time at the pool reveal to me? I'm not going share all of it, because a few things were things I shouldn't even be thinking of right now. This seems to have totally escaped a lot of people around me, but I was in a relationship with the prospect of a 15-year old and 15-month old and I was okay with that. (I have had some serious issues with having another kid so close to my "parole" date. "Why would I want to start over if I am almost free?" I would ask.) I have no desire to roll to the next one. Seriously, there are so many times that even before the actual break-up has happened I have multiple rebounds lined up and ready to destroy. I turned off my IM on OKCupid because the first time I got on there after the break-up I was inundated and that's WITHOUT a pic on my profile. Nor have I gone to any number of places that I go to feel better in times like this.

 

There's no quick fix.

 

I'm just super confused that's about the only thing I know with any certainty.

 

And that probably I need to start scouting other locations for my blog.

 

Oh, and that if truly am as insecure and worthless as Rachel makes me out to be, then I would have stayed in a relationship that was hurting me.

 

I'm probably going to have a whole want versus need internal monologue all night. Maybe if sleep eludes me I'll entertain y'all.

Beauty Shop Therapy

It's been an okay day...

I got my haircut today. Definately an interesting trip, was sitting next to a 90-year old woman who honestly didn't look that old and had some great conversations with her and the other ladies in the shop. I kept going back and forth as what I wanted to do with my hair. I've just known for a couple of weeks that I needed to do something with it.

So, are you all ready for this? Ready to see what I decided on? To the right is my humble before pic. Me and my boring hair that I have had forever. I had an idea in my head and I was lucky enough to find a pic that was close to that idea in my head.

Tada! My new 'do. This picture doesn't even do it justice. Is it me or do I look happier in this picture than the other? I don't know, I really like it and that's all that matters. I love shaking my head to feel it all move.

What else is going on? Not a lot, I guess. I bought some wine, but I'm not in the mood to drink it...at least not alone. Played 18 holes at Magic Castle, hahaha with my daughter and my parents.

Oh, and I found out that an ex-friend of mine was talking shit about me to my brother. He didn't give me details but for some reason thought I should know. Poor guy was at work when all this happened. It was kinda sweet he said that had he not been at he would have busted her in the mouth. He said that the guy she was with looked as uncomfortable with the whole situation as he felt. I have no further details, as I asked for none. People create there own karma, yet somehow I take all the blame.

I'm mildly excited. I found out one of my friends is going to be in town soon to go to a wedding. We have mutually agreed that we should hang out, but last time it didn't work out so I'm not holding out too much hope for this time. I always have so much fun with him. Everything has been so shitty that an evening with Chad would be a nice change of pace. I haven't really hung out with him in a long time. Jesus, not counting the five minutes he stopped by last Fall, it's been almost two years.

Apparently, there is still talking to be done. Shrug...best I can tell nine out of ten women surveyed agree that I'm not crazy for feeling this way, and seeing as that tenth one who disagrees is Rachel then it's a resounding Jenny is not being any of the horrible things that she worried she was, etc, etc, who cares.

Gonna watch a bad movie with my kid and eat yummy stuff that's bad for me :)

I hope it doesn't rain so I can air my dirty laundry

This is probably one of those things that I write that I wish would automatically self-destruct after being read.

 

One week has gone by... I'm not going to lie. I am miserable. I miss you.

 

That being said part of me contemplates starting over very soon, before you leave, because I'm not so confident that waiting 'til some other future point will ever materialize. But then there is this whole other avenue filled with a very different opinion.

 

I keep thinking about the way things have gone in the past couple of weeks. I keep coming to the same conclusion. No matter how much I would like it to, it's just not going to work out, is it?

 

I think about how you care enough about her that you wouldn't talk about me playing WoW, but that you couldn't return me the same courtesy. I think about how there were times that I thought we were building our own bubble around us, only to find out that you shared something with her or someone else. In the past week, it's like all I get is reruns in my head.

 

I answered a lot of questions last night, thinking it would make me feel better because... well, you know, the more I answer the truer the score. We went from being a 91% match to a 93% match, and in a ten mile radius, you come up on top. Well, unless I expand the search to 18-99, then there's an 18-year old you beats you. Go me!

 

I guess I just really don't feel like you understand my POV. I mean if the two of you are such great friend's then she would have understood a little neglect while you worked on us. At any rate why should I have to share all my happy moments with someone who couldn't get it right for herself. It's an aspect of things we never really talked about in all this. Like I want my kids to have an "aunt" who insulted their mother's motherhood. Yeah, I guess I will forever hold a grudge about that. I don't know why you told me about that in the first place, because you couple that with the conversation about parasites, and there are no points to be given. I've been extremely lenient in that arena, I didn't then and I won't now say exactly what I think.

 

Do you know what it's like to feel like you always have to be the one compromising? That's been my whole life.

 

I could state and restate everything, it doesn't change anything does it?

 

I'm so very sorry that right now in my life I feel very high maintenance, very needy, very much not feeling like sharing. Sorry about so much these days. I'm sorry that I can't change my own mind, but there hasn't been anything that has happened to tell me it's worth it.

 

I mean even with that whole being told something different. It wasn't a misunderstanding about Thanksgiving, everything you said right there at the moment led me to believe that I wasn't going to have deal with her. Specifically the difference that I was referring to was that you told her that you thought it was best if she didn't contact me until things cooled down, but you told me that you told her under no circumstances (thus to be construed as never) was she to contact me.

 

Is it any wonder I can't stop thinking you care about her more than me?

 

I know it's all futile, because unfortunately it all hinges on me accepting her and I'm sorry that I can't accept that you and your ex-wife are apparently a package deal. It doesn't help when you get all condescending and talk to me like I am five fucking years old like you did when you gave me that whole," I know you don't know anyone who has but...lots of people remain friend's with their ex" as if to say well, let's just not go there.

 

I wish you would have stayed. I wish you would have pleaded with me. I wish at some point in the last two months you would have stopped trying to be so damned diplomatic and just argued with me. I wish you would have done something that made me not feel like I was always going to be on the outside. But you couldn't, you chose to hurt me instead...

 

I wish I had completed that wall before I went to Tank's.