Which is better?

I have had this quandary for sometime.

 

I do not formally belong to a political party. I know most people don't,

but I've always liked to believe I was better than most people.  I have

days where I want to get involved, but...

 

Maybe it's a family trait. My great-grandma was very active in her church,

very spiritual, very like some beacon of christian goodness. Turns out

that despite going to the same church/denomination for more years than

I have been alive, she was never actually a member of the church. (For those

who don't know, membership is much like declaring party affiliation except

way more public.) As I hear it, the reason was that she didn't support all the

tenets her particular denomination would have had her espouse.

 

Maybe membership is overrated. Maybe I would do more good because it's not

the being a card-carrying member of anything that I am interested in. It seems

like such a little thing, but I can't in good conscious sign my name to something

stating that I believe in something when I don't. In fact, I support the complete opposite.

 

Hmm, but that's just me...I've been known to be wrong. :)  

Counting down...

First, some of the funky formatting has not been on purpose. I have been too lazy/tired/busy to fix it.

 

I am right now at this very moment starving.

 

I am somewhat regrettably a smoker again.

 

I have 22 minutes to kill.

 

I'm tired.

 

I have spent too much time today trying to self-diagnosis.

 

I didn't have coffee this morning.

 

I really want to do lots o' things tonight.

 

I think I'm blushing now.

 

All that only killed 2 minutes.

 

I bet when this hits it'll be quadruple spaced... Outlook seems to be like that.

 

I feel like I am forgetting something, but I don't know what.

 

My laptop seems to have crashed again.

 

One of these days I'll remember to back up my checkbook.

 

I'm so lost without it, and I am horrible tracking it the old fashioned way.

 

2 more minutes gone.

 

I think if I turn off everything slowly, and say good-bye to everyone then I could take 15 minutes to hit the time clock.

 

Here goes nothing...

Might as well...

I wasn't going to blog today. I mean I've been pretty sporadic with it lately anyway, so who cares? Plus, I really screwed up one of them and things that I didn't actually want to become known became known.

Got a lot on my mind, which is why I've been more migraine-y than usual. I know, I know, the other day I was all I probably have that stupid smile on my face. Well, that was the other day.

Today, I'm tired. I'm not sure what time I fell asleep. Yesterday should have been a better day for me, but I was preoccupied. Like I said I've got a lot on my mind. We actually had gone to bed about 11, but I found myself out on the couch a little bit later. I really dig Kelly Clarkston way more than I should admit in a public forum. (I flipped back and forth between Fuse & BBC America until Coupling was over, then between Fuse & some show with Ice-T on Vh-1) It was like 4 when I crawled back in bed.

Some days I can feel myself splitting in half...some days I don't care.

Sigh...it's funny how I never can ever seem to accomplish the things I'd like to get done.

Wow, if I had a cot in my office I would so be curled up on it. Although, I would rather be curled up and purring in the sun.

Monday...

So here I am sitting at work, little to do, looking at stuff and the Silpada lady calls because she thinks she wrote my cc# down wrong. (She did.) An errant thought hits: I have a lot of things I need to start saving my pennies for now. I probably have that stupid giddy smile on my face now.

If I ran my blog like I was the CIA

If I operated this blog o' mine as if I were the CIA, today's entry would look something like this:

 

I am totally stressed out about everything. I can feel myself starting wall up my heart. I don't think that it is a case of too much too quick, more of an issue with this is not really any place I have ever been. I'm scared as hell.

 

I am developing serious cold feet. I have spent most of today orchestrating a fight in my head.

 

I am fairly excited tho, I am getting Teezers from Sub House for lunch. Woohoo!

 

So, nervous and worked up, and I feel bad that I am feeling like I could totally walk away right now. I feel bad that I am not as

affectionate as he is. I feel confused about the next six months.

 

Tonight, we are going to my parent's and I am to meet Mark. It is just adding to my anxiety.

 

The worst part is that more and more I don't think that I can accept and deal with his continuing friendship with Rachel. So, in a way her little message to me was pre-emptive because maybe she's really the one who wins.

 

 

 

Nice, huh? I feel better already.

 

 

Sports Medicine Clinic

So, once upon a time, in a land far away (seriously Germantown's like middle of nowhere) I was active enough to have played through my fair share of minor injuries. The past couple of days, I have been feeling like maybe I skipped track practice and had to run the punishment laps (One lap for every minute late x 120 minutes of practice, fun, fun).

At first, I was thinking it was footwear choices. Mama likes her big girl shoes, can't help it. This morning I'm really feeling it, and I start to wonder, could this be? Nah, I haven't done any running or whatever. But damn, it so feels exactly like!

So, I hop online. Whaddya know, I learned something.

It is entirely possible to get shin splints from things other than running. Sure, Wikipedia doesn't directly say that, but I was reading the mechanics of shin splints and thinking of those other things. I've probably had a lot of forceful extension of toe lately, who am I kidding, there's no probably. So, wow...

Life is starting to defy smarmy subject lines...

I don't know. Should I feel like this right now?

The bad is soo overtaking the bad this morning. Usually I can push it out, but not today. It's the events of the weekend both good & bad.

Just stuff...stuff that's making me feel migraine-y.

Some stuff I just can't even tell anyone because it is truly that horrible. Don't even ask because it's that dark and un-sharable.

I don't want anyone to be right but him and I.

 God, you'd think I'd be in such a different place this morning. I probably would be if you could erase the time between 7:35-8:13a.

What if I become completely disinterested? Six months is a long time.

Sure, my imaginary boyfriend and I seemed to have had an imaginary relationship for longer than that, but you can't compare that to this.

Well, I suppose you could but you'd be stupid to do so.

For such a long time it was a means to avoid a real relationship, not that the feelings and the tears were fake but I could have been  in something healthier. I just kept choosing not to do so.Despite some of the shite I am having to deal with life is good right now, and really it can only get better. The fact that I think that makes me wonder why I am even worried about losing interest. There's so much here I've always wanted in another person.

But this six months is a gargantuan chasm of unknowns. Everything is going to change. What if it doesn't twist the way we're hoping? And that's just with the coming back here future, that doesn't include the other possible variables. If I didn't care it wouldn't bother me. I'd be all I can't wait 'til he leaves so I can finally get some sleep. But I know I'm probably going to sleep worse for awhile in the beginning.

       
Then there's the whole what if he becomes disinterested line of thought.

               
Stupid? Maybe, but this is what happens when the curves start being thrown.

                       

And my own issue...the having to accept the excuses made for other people...so tired of being asked to care about people who aren't doing anything positive in my life. There is a lot of potential problem there. There is this hard-ass in me that will destroy things, because you know what I've never gotten much compassion in my life so why should I extend it to someone else? I hate always feeling like I have to be the better person, especially when things have been said that are unforgivable. I can't help feeling that way. I've worked very hard to get where I am at, and I have an extremely low tolerance for crybabies (that I did not bear).

I wish it didn't bother me so much. Maybe time will make it better,but it's hard believing that at times.

There are just things that are hard for me to wrap my head around with this...

I shouldn't even post this.