Prayers because I haven't got something better to talk about....

Okay so if you know me, you've seen my self-indulgence posted on FB. If not, I posted this this morning:  

Seven and one half hours left in my shift. That is how bad it has become...the countdown starts seven hours early. It has hit a place where it takes every ounce of energy to stay positive. It is time to move on. I don't fit in this team and it has become glaringly obvious that my hard work, mastery of the information and dedication have all been for naught. Here's to a day spent praying I don't have to be here tomorrow and that the separation is amicable...and not the over the top Half Baked-esqe fantasy I am entertaining right now. Thank God it's Wednesday!

 I know some people can not fathom a job that makes you contemplate all that is good and holy in the world but that's where I am. Ceterus parabus, I do love my job. It is a strange and wonderful job that 100% meshes with the weirdness of my brain. I take seriously the company objective to be someone's solution and actually have this graphic as part of my repertoire of time wasting stuff to sametime my6 coworkers with with a work related not blasphemous addition of "How Would Jesus Chat?" added to the space at the left.

 

It is pertinent. I mean I hear people carry on in an embarrassing way about their interactions. But seriously, my main objective at my job is to help people in as much time as it takes, so why anyone has a salty attitude is beyond me. Yes, it can get tedious. But that's just because we deal with, well, I had 743 chats last month, that is believe you me the patience of Job times infinity. 

Like I said, I like what I do, who I do it with is something entirely different. I seriously did use a combination of the Iheartradio.com Christian channel and prayer and incantation to get through today.If I could keep my head buried in the screen and not worry about personalities...I would be content. I can not though, so it throws a bit of a monkey wrench. 

I did spend a lot of my day in prayer. What else was I going to to do to keep me sane, most of the internet is blocked. Later in the day there was some sort of strange movement...maybe my prayer, maybe my movement, who knows?! 

Since I left and as I have thought about it. It would be a good idea to move this Kindness in Giving page to sort of a prayer page. I have been a bit lax on the prayer tip.

In the interest of time  and the fact that I am uber tired, I am just going to pray for my team. God knows their hurts and what they need to heal. I have a lot more specific things to say but I am tired and will do it off blog.

What's on your mind? What do you want to pray for? 

Don't piss off the groupie...

So, I have had kind of a trying day. Seriously...work sucks in a I have the most production, this job totally meshes with my brain but I get no strokes, no kudos, no love sort of way. I have been looking forward to the fun and frivolity that is being a groupie. Show tonight in the dirty D, show tomorrow in Cbus. I have been looking forward to this.

So a good solid hour before last call...I get asked if I mind cashing out. Sure, why not since you don't seem to mind missing the damage I was planning to do. Why not, go ahead cash me out...oh and while you are at it when I go to the bathroom go ahead and clear the mfin table.

IT is not like this is primetime and you are trying to turn the table for Dufraines, party of four. Many of the people that are in your shitty establishment tonight, didn't come for you. They would not have ever had any motivation to visit this place in the middle of the urban wasteland that is Dayton, Ohio.

And now without the benefit of my liquid refreshment...i gotta wait around while the people who played haggle for what you said you would give them in the first f'in place.

It all makes me feel very, VERY Mr.Pink. Like really if you are going to be in the service industry and be this shitty...learn to type. An office job is a very steady gig and it saves you the negative karma of totally ruining the evening of someone who REALLY needed a night out.

I am so done with the dirty D and the less than stellar atmosphere. I have been trying to cut it some slack but tonight pretty much proved to me that like a lying, cheating boyfriend who says he has changed...this town is just as useless!

And on that note, sweet Cbus I am coming to visit tomorrow. Take my money and show me a good time. I am apparently not good enough to be entertained in Dayton.

Sitting alone on the front patio of a bar, not exactly how I envisioned my night. I could have stayed home for this!

Upwardly Mobile

So, yes, yes, I have been AWOL for a time. And yes, you were not imagining things, I did unpublish this blog.

Sometimes things go completely wrong, like a train wreck due to derailment. Shrug. I can't really explain everything that happened right now. I've really only shared it with two people. But I woke up one morning and the first thing on my mind was unpublish the blog. The second, I think, was oh snap I am late for work.

I come back to the blogosphere today because of something I read the other day.

Sometimes God redeems your story by surrounding you with people who need to hear your past so it doesn't become their future. –Jon Acuff

I have a lot of past. I have a lot of past that I would rather not talk about. I shut this thing down because I didn't feel like it represented anything that I wanted it to represent, and it didn't necessary speak how I wanted it to but there isn't any of us who is perfect so maybe I needed to get over my own delusions of grandeur. I do know that I do have a story and that yeah maybe there is a person or two out there who would actually appreciate the posts of despair because the only place to go from the bottom is up...or sometimes bottoms up but not the best idea.

Upwardly mobile. I chose that for the title today for multiple reasons. One, I got a new cell phone last weekend. It does amazing things that I could have never dreamed of. Two, both my husband and I are in good places job-wise. We might even remember what true stability is like. Three, I have renewed my faith in God. He does amazing things that I could have never dreamed of. (See one and two.)

There are a fair number of people in my life to which number three is met with sarcasm and an eye roll or something to that effect. To those people, I can only say...I will pray for you. I am not open for debate with someone who is not open to listening. Intellection only gets you so far...I know that for a fact. If you are too smart to know God, then well, I guess you are clearly a better person than me because I am pretty smart (by testing and not my own delusion) and I finally stopped wrestling with the idea and accepted that there is in fact a God.

Of course, the one step beyond for me is that I also for the first time in over 25 years (believe it or not) have actively been identifying as a Christian. No more of this weird pluralistic BS where I remain more neutral than Switzerland. I have studied, practiced, dabbled in a number of other options but still found myself going back to my Christian roots. Why wouldn't I? For all the reasons that people give for getting involved with other religions and belief systems, all of those other systems are such a crap shoot compared to Christianity. It's simplistic but I could try to live the best possible life as a Buddhist and hope to be reborn better with no real guarantee...or I could be reborn in Christ and by the grace of God see heaven. It's not just a possibility. It is promised.

I sometimes wish I had understood that better long ago, but truth be told, if I had I would not have been able to touch as many people as I can right now. It seems silly but every misstep that I have taken up to today just makes me better able to share that perfection is not a human trait and that the forgiveness of God is great and real. My relationship with God and Christ is not really much different than my relationship with anybody else in someways. I have prayed prayers that sound like I am talking to a friend...F-bombs and all. There are people that would find that offensive but God knows me and He knows my heart. He would much rather me come as I am than not at all.

Come as you are. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party when I was binge drinking (among other things) young student. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party when I was a young unwed mother. I wish I had realized the grace of God was that kind of party as my outer shell toughened from the day-to-day of wearing the hats of employee, student, mom. I wish I had realized that the grace of God was that kind of party after I was married, after my dad passed, when our whole worldly world fell apart. For all my worldly smarts, I have been quite dense in realizing that God wants you whoever you are, what ever you have done, and it's never too late.

I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Luke 15:7

Once upon a time, I would have scoffed at that verse as propaganda but age has brought wisdom and I know it to be Truth. Truth is good...better than anything you can imagine, really. So, here continues my blog, warts and all, because I am only human.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder or something like that...

It has been a long while since I posted anything. I had felt very renewed and inspired only to have life thwart me.

I am not going to lie. I am not real happy right now.

I had every intention of completing the Blog Flash. I couldn't. Things got in the way. I feel like I have lived a thousand lifetimes in the past month or so...with no relief in sight. I have been eroded to this really weird place. I don't know what or why or how I am supposed to do anything with this.

Did you miss me? It's been like a month!

With so much drama in the K-O-C (Kettering/Oakwood/Centervillle) it's kinda hard being J double n E. But somehow someway I keep coming up with blogs like every thirty days.

One of my bigger flaws is the ability to pretend that shit is okay. Feel your feelings or something like that. I don't get this whole line of thinking that pretends that shit isn't retarded that everything is sunshine and kittens and nothing bites.

I can't do that!

I see everything for what it is. I've never had the  privilege of illusions about the world. Hellocopter, I don't think I have ever even had the privilege to have illusions about God or the existence thereof. I am in a massive inventory liquidation sort of state and despite the fact that everything must go, it doesn't change that it was there in the first place. I had been hoping for some sort of sign, but at this point a burning bush would be nothing more than a lot of itching and a lot of 'splain to do to my husband.

There is nothing but darkness in my days, I know that seems crazy but it is what it is. I work a job where I feel like a dog chained to a treadmill at 25 mph. I am one family holiday away from a domestic violence incident with my BIL. Shame too, because I 100% understand his pain which in all honesty is why I think I keep setting him off...I know too much. If I told you every challenge in my life as of right now, you would call BS. No one could have THAT much random and painful incidents going on in there life at one time.

I do.

No joshing! I think at this stage in the game my husband and I are more bonded like the sick and twisted bond that say um concentration camp victims have than anything more appealing and happy. Everything is an illusion and I have no control over the outcome.

I've stop believing that God is a possibility. The it is all in his "plan" bullshit has no credence when you have lived my life.  There is no benevolent, caring God that would subject someone, anyone to the events of the last 30-45 days. It doesn't make me stronger.

It makes me fully question the existence of God.

And his alleged "plan".

Yeah.

I went there.

I tried not to but all my prayers apparently got voicemail.

If God doesn't believe in me, then whiskey tango foxtrot why would I waste my rime believing in him,

 I can not live within the constraints of this blog title. I have an idea for an alternate. What's the point? Everything I have poured my heart into has been met with nothing but failure. Complete failure. It amuses God and everyone else to see me so upset. If it didn't why would this be the soup of the day despite my best efforts to make a better soup?

Shit is nothing but retarded right now. Prayer is a joke. And the whole plan idea...don't even get me started.

Absence.

Void.

Nothingness.

It is what it is. It is life. Might as well embrace it.

#BlogFlash2013 - Day Two:Technology

My family's first computer, a Timex Sinclair 2000 required me and my brothers to manually program, sometimes tag teaming for a day or two, all the lines for simple text command games with a high failure rate. Put me ahead of the curve against my peers but flash forward twenty-five years and I can't operate a smart phone.

I am still under 40 but smart phones have me looking into the Jitterbug options. I get the concept, the technology but I have caveman hands and Flintstone feet. The gargantuan hands don't make for easy touch screen use. In turn, I want to crush it under my feet. I need to evolve.

I am sure there is an app for that. 

#BlogFlash2013 Explained

I came across this a few weeks ago, looking for ways to stop relying on myself for my posting. Although, I am not very familiar with Terry Giuliano Long I appreciate her hosting this and am looking forward to reading everyone's flashes.

The rules are simple. It started yesterday, March 1st. There is a prompt for each weekday, and you can only write 50-100 words in any style. And all participants should make an effort to at least five other participating blogs. Pretty simple. Pretty fun.

I was a day late on my first post because I got wrapped in a self-imposed exile that led me to working on things for Enpde because I tend not to get myself wrapped up in that work and tend not to second guess myself.

So whether you are a writer or a reader, take sometime to visit the challenge throughout the month of March.

#BlogFlash2013: Day One – Laughter

If you can't laugh at yourself, you can't laugh.
A day late and a post short for this flash.
I don't know why I chose poetry or free-form verse.
I guess I was thinking it would keep me terse.
Two kids, a husband, a dog, a bunny who hops
When it comes to laughter this is a hot spot.
Deep in from the belly or a sarcastic ha ha,
Biting tongue or a spastic guffaw,
We carry all varieties of laugh in this abode,
Which takes the edge off finding toys in the commode.
It's such a simple pleasure but sometimes hard to learn.
Take joy in the little things and watch the season turn.
There is no crisis that humor can not tend,
There is no pain that laughter can not mend.
If you can not laugh at yourself, you've probably never tried
But it's more fulfilling than being beat down and snide.
So go and take a look in the mirror
See what tickles you there.
Or maybe it's a memory of falling out a chair.
Laughter softens the edges of the sharpness of life.
Some days I can't stop laughing because someone calls me -- wife.