There's something to be said...

...for hard work. I've worked 12 hours today. Ok, the first eight were mind numbing, but after the 4 at my second job I should so be exhausted. I'm not.

 

Okay, a little tired maybe, but vaguely energetic.

 

I really enjoy my other job. I was IMing with one of my friends seconds ago, he has worked there as a tech and was wondering how things were going. At first he thought my answer meant that I hated it. I had to explain that my problem as I see it is that I go into "show" mode.

 

Example: I worked the SW gate tonight. I was a bander. I have new respect for everyone who has ever (to my disdain) banded me. We had a decent set-up, but these chicks I was working with aggravated me because they had no flow. People don't want to get held up with the unpleasantries of crowd management they want to go to the show. Ooh, and there was this one broad that kept putting them on too loosely. And I'm pretty sure that there were several people who got banded wrong as in underaged and banded for drinking. Lucky bastards :)

 

Alas, I don't work again 'til the 24th :(

She's gone from suck to blow...

If ever there were a time to invent a word that went beyond suck, it would be today.

 

Work...it is the yet un invented word...There are no slopes or curves. There is never a build-up. I just do my job, and a damn fine job at it if I may say so. I have been working my ass off trying to see if I can get my days in A/R lower than 35.2. 35.2! That is a ridiculously low A/R! That is 10 days lower than it was when I started! That is a lot of eye strain and unpleasant conversations! So, when my manager walked in today and proceed to tell me that our numbers weren't good---deep breath. It's fucking ridiculous I am the only rep at our office, I can do a lot but I can't do it all. Charges are up, thanks in small part to my aggressive coding and ability to realize the morons out front routine fail to mark things on the fee ticket. Payments last month were up about 10k over the previous month. I have cleared a whole lot of old accounts. I have appealed accounts that were denying as provider responsibility and been successful in getting paid.

 

Don't fucking tell me I'm not doing my job!

 

I had my review like 2 months ago, if I wasn't doing my job I would like to think that they might have mentioned it in my review, rather than evaluate me as exceeding expectations on all categories. Bullocks!

 

There have been several issues in the past like this, and I'm so tired of not knowing what to do because the answer changes.

 

Does it make me want to work harder? Fuck no, I've given and given and given and I can't do it anymore.

 

I have two days 'til vacation, then nine whole days away from that place. Upon my return, I am going find a new job. Worse comes to worst, I'll strike a deal with my old boss (who has within the last few weeks offered my old job back). I'm getting out of there, and the faster the better.

 

In other news...ehn, nothing really to report.

I've got twisty face...

Or pensive, gnarled face. Whatever you want to call it, it sucks.

 

Don't take that to mean that my good mood is gone. It's still well intact.

 

Today I got an "I Make a Difference" award at work. (Read as a check I didn't have before.)

 

So we spent some time tonight with my aunt & uncle that I haven't seen in like forever. This is the reason for the deep thought. Actually, it's not really that deep.

 

The word I am looking for is neither regretful nor remorseful. I'm not sure what it is. It all ties into the good mood which I dare say is freaking a few people out.

 

Or perhaps, I am just crazy. Trust me that thought has not escaped me.

 

BUT didn't I say I felt like good things were coming. I mean I was a little worried about funds for the trip and well, basic survival and I got that check.

 

I'm not going to go out on a limb quite yet and say that maybe, just maybe I've finally burned off all that bad karma and can finally get on with live. I'm more than a little certain that there are people that would disagree with me on that.

 

We'll see I guess...

I ponder the world should consume the sky...

If the subject made you laugh like a spider monkey on nitrous, then you were probably at the Governor's Summer Institute @ the U of Toledo in '91. Otherwise, you probably just think I'm odd.

 

I'm running into packing difficulties, mainly of a difference of opinion with my daughter nature. Who knew that she had her own ideas about what should be in the carry-on vs. the bags that are magically supposed to show up at our room! We have a little time to sort it all out, and luckily if things get to hairy I can just wait 'til she goes to bed.

 

Poked around looking at jobs tonight. I think regardless of what I find I am still going to be in the position that I am going to need a second job for awhile, perhaps the rest of my life. I thought about talking to a friend of mine who runs a janitorial company because nearly all of their jobs are after normal business hours. Jordan is still adamant that I work at KFC. Shrug, maybe it's my destiny.

 

I had a hard time making coffee today. I feel guilty using the percolator. Sure, it taste better than the crappy little four-cupper, but well... So odd the way we attach feelings to inanimate objects.

 

Not sure why everything seems so calm...why I am so very "zen" about everything all of the sudden...and positive to boot. What amplifies the strangeness is that no substances have been abused in the making of this mood. I dig it, don't get me wrong, it's just suspect that's all.

 

I'm trying to figure out this whole week. I have to work my second job Thursday night. One night this week Lynn and I are gonna try to get together, for which Jordan is really happy because she loves Lynnie's birds. At some point this week I'm going to have to deliver the rest of the cookie sale stuff. My luck it will come in Thursday thoroughly complicating my life. I was going to try to drop by to see some relatives this week, too.

 

So much to say...no one to say it too.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

I have no idea what that means...

 

So the Style Network is going to be my downfall this month...pretty much nothin' but weddin' shows. Yeehaw! I don't really know that I want to get married anymore. Maybe I'll just become a wedding planner.

 

Been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I'm not so sad about things anymore. In hindsight, maybe I should have been like those other girls who weren't giving him a chance. It definitely would have saved me a lot of grief. In retrospect, there is a lot I should have done differently.

 

It's just one of those things, I guess. I mean it doesn't feel like I can go backward. It's complex to explain, but I can't imagine that I would ever NOT feel like I was always on the outside. It's a safe bet that I would be subjected to so many eye-rolling conversations that my eyes would eventually just roll out of their sockets. I keep thinking about things that were discussed in our last real conversation. I wish I had been quicker in thinking about how you can't make promises for other people because well you can't. I won't say that exact words that came out of my mouth regarding it all, but it's safe to assume that it can't be guaranteed.

 

The other thing with going backwards is that it's fairly impossible. I mean I'm not ever going to be the same person that I was on March 19. Sure, maybe the core is the same, but I've already changed since then and so...  Trust me, I think the cost of admission just got higher. It's probably only going to "get worse" as I'm got a number of self-improvement type projects in the mix.

 

As an aside, I find myself laughing about some things outside of relationships. I don't know what prompted me to start thinking about it, but I was thinking about sort of feminist sort of ideas, or more specifically a lot of the women I have come in contact with who claim to espouse them. Maybe there's just a bad lot around Dayton, but I'm going to have to do some rereading to figure out why there are so many bisexual codependents floating around this town that think they are better than me because they listen to NPR, chose to be childless, and buy into systems of helplessness. There are a couple of people that come to mind, and actually a whole lot of completely disparaging things I could say about them all. When I was younger, I used to let them get to me. Me, the unabashedly hetero single mom. For the most part I stopped paying attention, because they all seem to be caricature of a type they we're all trying to hard to be.  This week I was thinking about all that I have. All that I got through my own independence. All the things I have yet to achieve. The strong girl that I am raising into a strong woman. It's hard to not think that I am better than them. Some night, I'll type it all out here for everyone to see. Really, there have been some pretty hard times, times when I could have made my life a whole lot easier by latching on to someone and sucking them dry. Blame my family, no one ever told me that I couldn't do it on my own.

 

i'm thinking of an elton john song right now, any guesses? :)

 

Alas, it's late and I should go to bed. Lots to do tomorrow. And the next week for that matter for the big Disney trip is just days away... 

 

 

Just a song before bedtime...

So, I've heard it a bizillion times I'm sure, but something today made it sound extra wonderful.

 

I'm sure it is less about the riff and more about the lyrics.

 

Although, I don't really feel fine, but I was excited to see that I can get several videos (including this one) on demand. Woohoo, it's like MTV for my soul.

 

Hmm, is that a good thing?

****

"DOA"

Foo Fighters

Oh you know I did it
It's over and I feel fine
Nothing you could say is gonna change my mind
Waiting and I wait at the longest night
Nothing like the taste to sweet decline

I was down, I fell, I fell so fast
Dropping like the grains in an hourglass
Never say forever cause nothing last
Dancing with the bones of my buried past

Never mind there's nothing I can do
Bet your life there's something killing you

It's a shame we have to die my dear
No ones getting out of here, alive
This time

What a way to go, they have no fear
No ones getting out of here, alive
This time

Finished, I'm getting you off my chest
Made you come clean in a dirty dress
A promise is a promise you kept in check
Hard to cross a heart that beats it's best

Take a good hard look for the very last time
The very last one in a very long line
Only took a second to say goodbye
Been a pleasure but the pleasure's been mine, all mine

Ain't no way, DOA
Ain't no way, DOA

It's a shame we have to disappear
No ones getting out of here, alive
This time
This time
This time
***

 

 

Surprising it took so long...

So, I had a Rob-Rachel-Jenny dream last night, first one and hopefully the last.

 

That being said, despite being exhausted, I did not sleep as well as I had hoped and I'm feeling spacy today.

 

Ah, the warped beauty of the manifestations of the subconscious mind!

 

At one point in dream Rachel and I were arguing and there was shiny,gleaming broken glass strewn all around us. Broken glass apparently signifies a change in your life, and apparently if it's sparkly it's a good change. Fighting seems to be an indicator of change, too. Although, in this case it could just be wishful thinking. :)

 

There was a whole bunch o' stuff in that dream that makes me wonder why I didn't have it sooner.

 

I'd look up some more of the highlights, but as I am at work all of the good dream dictionaries are blocked. Granted, it doesn't take a genius to figure out what some of it means.

 

Looks like there is an early bedtime in my future. Maybe I can will myself to dream about something better than Rob & Rachel tonight. Or just not dream at all, after all dreams just tend to make life that much more disappointing.