|Just something I doodled a couple of months ago.|
Don't let the blog title fool you, I am in mostly good spirits. It's just that I have had this song stuck in my head for the better part of the day and mostly because of the "anger is an energy" lyric. It's strange to me, too, that I was 11 when this song came out. How the hell does a little girl in rural Ohio fall in love with a song like this? I mean sure it was the heyday of WOXY out of Oxford but still.
Anger is an energy. That whole dark side of the Force, crazy monkey rage, loose cannon, seething, seeing red unpleasant energy. Anger is good in small measure and then there is the whole righteous anger like when you get mad at someone kicking a puppy or that damn friend of yours who keeps posting the videos of dudes kicking puppies in some sort of misguided activism. But it is an energy and the path of its trajectory can be quite a ride.
I have really come to terms over the past several days with the fact that I have this undying anger at the other woman. I can work through things in my mind with my husband, the collapse of our marriage, the bankruptcy, the two foreclosures, the pending divorce, my favorite hangout closing, and various other anger inducing experiences but I can not crack my emotions surrounding this so-called woman. I can not open my heart to forgive her or open my mouth and sound like anything less than a hardcore gangsta rapper born to Sam Kinison and Lisa Lampanelli.
It's eating my soul. It's so much more than just the obvious and so much more than I can write at this juncture. It seriously pains me that there are woman like her in the world. Not just because she's a husband(expletive deleted) whore, but also because she bought hook, line and sinker whatever pile of steaming malarky he was selling her and she didn't think twice about it. I personally would never enter a relationship with a married man, no matter what he told me the truth was. I always fact checked guys because we have this thing called the internet and public records and if he said he was divorced and I couldn't corroborate that I declined. I will never understand woman who are so hard up for a man that they do not so much as bat an eye or an iota of conscience when a married man crosses their path.
I am learning that healing from infidelity isn't easy. I trust very few people. My self-esteem is completely shot and most days really I am just faking it because I do know that I do have people who love and care about me that don't like to see me feeling less than. I am completely unsure of how to rebuild my life because I never expected to have to be starting from nearly scratch at 40. I try very hard to be positive to find silver linings. I have great cheerleaders who help me with that. But this anger...this anger is something I was unprepared for entirely.
Anger is an energy...an energy that I need to channel into something positive. I wish I liked running, I might consider taking it up as a release valve. I could write. I have contemplated various projects. The downside is that with anything that I wrote the whole "any similarities" thing would be a total lie. Probably shoots my comedy career in the foot as well. But until I get a spark of inspiration or divine revelation, I am just going to have to sing along with John and hope it autoplays into something even better.
May the road rise with you...