If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

I have had this song in my head since the weekend.

I had intended to not let life get in the way of my writing again because honestly writing keeps on a somewhat even keel. Mostly because it's a release valve. But...if you have ever used a pressure cooker and played with the release valve, you know that sometimes the force of the steam is painful.

A week ago, I had one of those moments. It started on Wednesday. I went to my mom's group and stayed super productive and in the flow all day. I got most of my house packed. I scrawled poetry out of my brain as if the words were on fire. I jammed the Pandora Class of 93 Hip Hop station at ear-splitting volumes. It was in many ways a really great day. A great day that completely broke me.

Stupid poetry. Stupid life not cooperating with me. Stupid, stupid girl.

There has just been this cacophony of epiphany that really should be evidenced by the fact that I just constructed this sentence. The more I pack, the more I unpack. It's a beautiful messy horribly painful thing. Completely letting your entire life flash before you while simultaneously trying to stay in conscious contact with God and His will for me life. Trying to maintain sanity while to some degree losing all control. By the end of Wednesday, I had all but broken down.

Some days I have all the words and thoughts and every thing flows.

This is not one of those days.

Today, I am sitting here listening to "Into the Ocean" on repeat play trying to remember when it was that I stole the fizzy lifting drinks that kept me from getting the chocolate factory. Today, I am sitting here thinking about the wise words of a friend that it really doesn't matter what decision that you make, only that you make a decision. Today, I am so ready to not be stuck, to be on to my next adventure.I have been so blessed and highly favored over the past week that I feel a bit guilty at my self-indulgent existential crises this morning.

I hear the best way to keep from drowning is to stop struggling. To relax. To not panic.

"I want to swim away but don't know how, sometimes it feels like I am falling in the ocean." I have never even seen the ocean so I am only working with my imagination and stock footage from every surfing movie I have ever watched. The immensity of every thing going on in my life is so vast. This blog is just an iceberg in the ocean of my life. What I share is minute in comparison to the totality of things. It's hard to not drown a midst it all.

I don't have any wisdom or deeper truth or humorous pep infusion this morning. I just have this heavy ocean theme running through my head that is going to produce quite a nice playlist by bedtime. And the remembrance of these words, the final lines of one of my favorite books:
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
(The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald)

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