|Screenshot from my FB feed this morning.|
Ah, my comfort zone, that well-worn groove, that towing the line, that treading water. I do try to experience new things and expand my horizons on a regular basis but admittedly, this past couple of years because of the divorce, I have been more inclined to play it safe in the grand scheme of things. Some of it is fear, fear of the vast unknown that lays ahead of me. Some of it, is rooted in anger. I have had periods of extreme anger at the trajectory of my life. If I had wanted to to be a single mother at 40, I would have never gotten married. I never got married because I intended to be single again. A whole tsunami of disappointment and broken what-ifs. Then there is that whole me as a mom trying to provide a degree of stability for my kids, but who am I kidding at best I am a swinging bridge more than a fortress.
For as much as stepping out of my comfort zone feels like stepping off the curb into the path of a speeding bus, it is unavoidable. Over the course of the next month, I will be moving. Every time I think I have made my peace with this, something comes along to disturb that. I love my house. I love my neighborhood. It's little things like being able to walk just about anywhere we would need to be. So far, there is only a couple of places that would be comparable but they don't seem to be "it". I am trying to not be picky but I also don't want to end up in suburban isolation. So I take a step...
Other steps are less clearly defined. Job, relationships, tattoos, and what to have for dinner, all have steps I need to take but to some degree are less easy for me to take because aside from my daughter, no one is going to give me a great inspirational speech about why I should get the tattoo I have wanted for years or whip me into a frenzy about ending my lifelong love affair with Little Debbie.
But the good news is that I don't walk alone. The exponential growth of my faith over the past ten years is one of the best steps out of my comfort zone that I have ever taken. I would have never imagined a version of me like that one that exists right now in this moment. And with all sincerity, today if I am not singing this song and belting out:You make me brave, You make me brave,No fear can hinder now the promises you made then I will most likely be quietly reminding myself of this...
There is one moment and it is now, and it is just me and God and all is well.
So here I go, I hear the first step is a doozy.