I have been up for awhile this morning. I had been trying to just chill and enjoy which became hard when barely into a guilty pleasure, turn of the century RomCom, my son came crawling in bed with me. Seven year old boys are not exactly known for their peace and balance. He had said he just wanted snuggle power, that he was not actually awake. That was well over an hour ago.
I had been really indulging in my coffee and movie, turning my brain off for some much needed nothingness. I woke up to a ton of questions. No, literally, I went to bed early so my phone was holding them from friends. I don't have much to offer in the way of guidance today but I can still listen.
I am in a place right now, where I serious just want to put "Come Undone" and a couple of other Duran Duran songs on a repeat play list and belt it out around my house. It's not in any negative way. Sigh, I have been on a certain trajectory in my life and suddenly I find myself questioning it. I have come to a place with it all that, and I may have said this is my last post, all I can pray anymore is,"God, I want what You want." It might seem like an indecisive, cop-out to some but those people would be so wrong.
I want what You want, in this case, is full surrender. It's not that I don't have any hopes or dreams or crazy notions. I do, believe me, I do. It is me being flexible to the will and flow of God without getting hung up on or set on things that might not be for my ultimate good. To some degree, it is a fantastic place to be and certainly not one I can say I have been in very often before. But it is also so extremely hard, but not necessarily for the reasons that you might expect.
In this letting go of all that no longer serves my unfolding good, I find myself letting go of certain beliefs I have held about certain relationships in my life. I haven't stopped believing what I had previously held, it's just that I have come to see how holding on so tightly, having such tunnel vision could be counterproductive to an abundant life. It is also counterproductive to maintaining friendships. People take my current exploration as some sort of Jenny going off the rails. The circle shrinks in response and I find myself lacking a group to hold discussions with and some things aren't meant for the general public.
I keep thinking about a dear friend of mine who often speaks about not putting God in a box. I feel wholly convicted that I am guilty of this. While it is entirely too early on a Saturday for an indepth theological pondering, I have been amazed at how as I let go of everything my faith deepens despite any sort of whispering undercurrent that I am falling away. It makes a lot of sense to because truthfully God in a box is about as useful a thing as a dick in a box.
Remix and redux. Restoration that is remix will never be as sustaining as a redux. Remixes just splice together the best parts over a new beat, a new time signature while ignoring a weak bridge or bad melody. Redux equals revival, new breath, new life, new adventures. I very much feel as if my soul is in a restoration period and I want to make sure that who I am and who I am supposed to be is strong and that I don't just end up a caricature of who everyone thinks I should be.
Maybe it's a similar tune but I am confident that I don't think that I have heard this tune before.