Shortly after I wrote yesterday, I found out that the next court date in my divorce is four months away. If domestic relations court was held to the same standards as criminal and civil cases I could make a good case for cruel and unusual punishment. It's what it feels like at this point... punishment. Dealing with my divorce takes all the brave right out of me. My life has been at standstill and it sucks my hope reservoirs dry.
Once upon a time, the delay would have renewed my hope because once upon a time I really believed that none of this would happen. Once upon a time, I based all my decisions on the husband that I knew and not the horrible man he has become. I very much believed that my marriage would be restored and that I would get my happily ever after. I believed every word that he had ever said to me from day one and that intricate, well-woven story seemed so real that I couldn't imagine that he had ever been THAT dishonest with me and with such blatant disregard for me and the kids for that matter.
The awkward thing about needing a cheerleader is there isn't one available. Not the one I need, well, at least not in human form. I know the spiritual and worldly basis that I once stood. But I also know the peace of God and so it is with mixed emotions that I find myself moving on. I don't believe in a God that would give us all freewill but then turn around and hold me accountable for my husband's misguided execution of his own freewill.
That being said...four months. The responses to my sharing that have run the gamut. I don't think anyone really and truly understands the hell that I am in, that he has put me through. From the day he decided that he didn't want to be married he constantly browbeat and harassed me about how I was dragging this out, about how I needed to let go of him, about how I was making things difficult. I have endured mental, emotional and financial abuse that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The day I walked into court, the day that we should have been final, I had made my peace with all of it and I was ready to start the next chapter.
Then he pulled this shit.
I am sure I still need to step out of my comfort zone but I have no idea how. I am so wound up about mere survival anymore that I can't imagine where I would fit a ball into the mix that was full of courage and perseverance. The court system has so failed me and the boy at this point that I sincerely worry that any act of boldness on my part would be met with more heartache.
I keep saying I need ruby slippers but the irony in that is that once I get to the wizard he's just going to tell me that what I seek was in me all along. I don't feel very courageous today. Or smart. Or beautiful. Or determined. I feel like Scarecrow after the flying monkeys went a round with him. My stuffing is all widdershins and I am a bit embarrassed that it happened. And if most people knocked on my chest it would be the dark, hollow echo of an absent heart.
Luckily, I have frientors (friend/mentor) that have a great deal of wisdom for me to draw on at moments like this. My frientors are by no means cheerleaders. They ask the hard questions and force me to examine places I don't want to go to for various reasons. But one particular nugget of wisdom sticks out to me this morning...that my friends are there to do what I can't. Meaning that although I feel cowardly and like giving up, all my friends and family who are surrounding me and speaking courage and spunk into me are holding me up over the coals so that I don't get burned.
I do need courage. There's a lot in my head and heart that I want to accomplish. So, it's no coicidence that the song "Never Give Up" by Yolanda Adams would be on my radar this morning:
Sometimes life can place a stumbling block in your wayI am the only one that I absolutely have to be with for the rest of my days and I really need to get myself back. But how. And don't say step outside of your comfort zone. It's much more complicated than that.
But you're gotta keep the faith
Bring what's deep inside your heart
Yeah your Heart to the light
And never give up
Don't ever give up on you