If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Thursday, February 4, 2016

'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow

So, yeah, I haven't written in four months. Well, written online because if memory serves I have burned through three notebooks and various scraps of paper. I had shied away from writing here because well, everyone keeps telling me to be careful what I post in public while I am going through this divorce.

Ah, this divorce, the gift that keeps on giving like a continual white elephant party. It has been 27 months since he said he didn't want to be married anymore. It has been 19 months since he filed for divorce. It has been 15 months since he moved in with that tranny looking thunderslut. It has been eight months since the bankruptcy he pushed me into was filed and four months since it discharged. It has been one week since our last court date. A court date the was supposed to end it all, once and for all, per his wish. But for some reason, the man who has constantly and repeated screamed at and bullied me that I am dragging things out and being difficult decided that he wants a trial. Thus, prolonging the agony.

It is the best word to describe this dreadful holding pattern.

But thank God for my friends and family who have been perpetually been handing me shovels while I dig through all this bullshit.

I know as I sit here that I need to push forward and get fully reconnected to purpose. I know that there are things that have been revealed to me in this cold season of my life that I need to use my talents and gifts to shed light on. I know everything right now and nothing at all and I am good with that.

I have been making playlists like a frenetic toddler with markers and a freshly painted wall. It might not seem like much but to me it signifies significant soul healing. My daughter is really the one who started that process with her sharing her favorite band with me. Having a job I love and a little more stability has helped as has the reemergence of an old dear friend and kissing and making up with my cousin.

I know very much during parts of this journey people thought me insane for constantly searching for the silver linings, looking at the sunny side. But here I am. Still standing. Better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. Drinking coffee and throwing Elton John into casual conversation. I regret more that I lost myself in marriage than that I lost the marriage. It really is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all and what positive thinking and good girlfriends don't help, brown liquor smooths over.

My faith has helped as well but that is a series of post for the future because my faith has certainly made me well. Prayer and meditation and number of ordained and lay ministers that I count as friends and confidants. That aspect of my life, I really can not write about extemporaneously.

But yeah, in the past couple of months, my creative side has reemerged and so help me I will walk away from people or things that tell me I can not be who I am. Comfort over purpose is a death sentence I regret that I accepted.

The best is yet to come.

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