My Whole Bohemia: #TBT Kindness in giving creates love.: Upwardly Mo...

My Whole Bohemia: #TBT Kindness in giving creates love.: Upwardly Mo...: So, this week for TBT (aka Throwback Thursday aka Totally Made Up Randomness) I tried to find something that was near to this date. For your...

My obession with provision...

If you read the last post you will know that I quit my job.

Honestly, I had thought about calling this post "No Applause, Just Send Money." With an obligatory link to my PayPal account, of course.

So, um, yeah, I quit a job without having a job. Really though, it is just something I do. I don't stay where I am not happy. I don't pretend to play "the game" well so what's the point? I really liked my job...up until the point that they decided to invoke abuse the "other duties as necessary" clause and put me into a hell that I readily declined multiple times. What do I mean by that? Well, I was doing a job a company with a few different departments. Prior to being called about the job that I did have, I had people crawling out the wood work trying to place me in a job in a different department. A job that I would wouldn't touch with a rented stick, mind you. So fast forward to this position that I did take and all of it's awesomeness to find one day that "business need" , oh and a dry budget, precipitate the move to this line I so graciously denied like honestly at least 20 times (which in a town this size that's like thousands). Anyway, long story short I tried to roll with it and it wasn't happening so I took a step in faith and quit.

Deep breath.

I am not so good doing things by faith. Sure, I felt fantabulous quitting and motivated and alive and yada yada yada but once the initial energy and life's unique inability to mimic my fantasies set in...it got ugly...in my head. In the two weeks since I quit, I have not only regretted quitting this job but also every job move that I have made since 11th grade. Wonderfully neurotic, I know. I am working on it.

The first week of freedom...I was golden.

The second week...I was okay.

This week...um...I'll get back to you.

I spent the first week immersed in unfinished projects, full of bravado and confident that I was making good choices. Well, until that Thursday when my last paycheck hit and I examined the situation as far as food and bills and what not went.  Then, then, then, well, I felt a bit of remorse...which spiraled out of control.

So between that little bit of remorse and my obsession, I felt so awful. I was trying to search things to help me but I just couldn't find the right keywords. One night, on Twitter of all places, someone posted something with the hashtag provision. Yep. That's it. That's the word I was looking for.

As I have previously mentioned, I am horribly human in things of faith. My monkey-mind sometimes has a hard time wrapping itself around the idea that no matter what I do or don't do, it'll get taken care of. I am learning but it is such a process!

I have two choices right now: I can completely and totally freak the hell out and spiral out of control in a fit of anxious unhingement or I can take a deep breath and trust that everything that needs to be taken care of will, when it needs to be.

I am not gonna sit here and say that it is easy for me to not completely spaz out. It is not. What does it solve though? Nothing. If anything it complicates every thing. I am so done with complication. I just want peace.

I have been praying and praising and counting blessings where ever I find them. Choosing to walk in light, because quite frankly they lied about the dark side having cookies and I can't live in a world without cookies.

It's different.

Different is good.

God is good.

All the time.

I hope you can find that too. 

First day of the rest of your life or end of the world? It is such a fine line.

Seriously, it is.

Quit my job on Monday. I should write more about that.

I had every faith that everything would work out. Then, I did the math.

I have ideas. I have had them. Execution eludes me though.

Did I just get out of a bad situation and open up a stream of positivity that I will surf into opportunity or did tie weights to my family's ankles and hurl them into shark-infested waters? Time will tell I suppose.

I can tell you right now all I can hear is the Jaws theme and I don't know what to do about it. 

$10 a day, any suggestions?

Okay, so my husband and I figured out this evening that after taxes, daycare, gas, food and the reckless spending that happens when we are both working that I make not a lot of money. Like seriously, if I quit and collected $10 worth of scrap metal everyday I would be doing better off than I am in my current job. So I have been sitting here brainstorming what legal and socially acceptable ways could I stay home and make the same amount of money.

It feels like I have been here before. Such a small gap to cover and now that I have put it out there the direct sales ladies are going to come out of the woodwork. I am not opposed to direct sales but there are only two I would consider right now. I am actively talking with one and the other is just whim. I like a lot of things about direct sales and there is a lot I don't like so I have to be sure that I can balance those aspects and make it be what I need it to be.

I suppose I could have a big garage sale before the end of summer. It would certainly pare down the clutter in this house and provide a lump of cash. I would think I could get enough cash from a sale like that to cover my Macy's card which would in turn be one less thing to worry about.

Someone suggested babysitting. I don't think I could do that. I don't know. I like kids but I always feel way less comfortable with other people's kids. Most people do not talk to nor want other people to talk to their children as if they are actually small, highly intelligent humans. Also, as far as kids go, I do tend to have a bit of a nothing to fear but fear itself attitude. It has only resulted in one emergency room visit in 17 years of motherhood which is pretty good really. I might consider it on a limited basis but it would totally have to be for the right people. Seriously, if there was some Lord of the Flies daycare franchise, I would be a good fit with the mission and vision of that organization.

I have thought about an eBay store. It seems like work, like a lot of work, and not necessarily rewarding. It certainly would feed my shopping habits to have a place to unload my merchandise. I mean I bought $400 in dresses at Goodwill last week, some still with the tags on them, and I am not going to wear them. I could easily sell them for $25 a pop with free shipping and be money ahead. Plus, this house is chock full of odds and ends that have got to be worth something to someone. I might have to research that some more. Any experience there? Good or bad, I would appreciate the feedback.

I did mention scrap metal. I wish I had my van still, I would totally be a picker. One man's trash really is another man's treasure...they just need a broker to get them connected. I saw aluminum was like .52 a pound the other day. I need to get in shape anyway so maybe I throw the boy in the jogging stroller and we clean the highways and biways of this town and any place else we can find.

I know to some people it seems silly. Like why wouldn't I just work a job, just suck it up and deal with being an underpaid, indentured servant to some vapid corporation? Well, because it just doesn't work. I have long thought that if people sat and took a long hard look at the cost of working and had just a smidgen of faith about God providing that a lot more couples would go old school if you will. Well, assuming that both parties are mature adults.

When I was at home before, I totally loved it. It was more rewarding than any job I ever had. When I saved money someone else genuinely cared that I saved money. When I found a new use for things someone genuinely was impressed. When I had a screw off day and didn't do my work and just kind of chilled, no one wrote me up or threatened to fire me. It's not easy being home, especially for someone who has always worked a J-O-B.

I will fully admit that there was a time when I was at home before where I did feel drifty and purposeless. That was something I had to work through because it seemed like for most of my life everyone pushed me into the idea that I had to work and I had to succeed and that smart girls did not become housewives. Whoever is propagating that bs needs a severe beating! How messed up is it to say that I would be better for my children if I was not involved in their lives on a much more intimate and meaningful level as a stay at home mom? I wish I had spent more time with my daughter when she was younger rather than pursuing material stuff I wasn't really even that into. I can totally see how that might have benefited her. Sigh.

So, here I am. I have a testing situation and an interview tomorrow. Three different positions, two different companies. I have the opinion of my husband that even if I don't get job x (the most flexible of the jobs) that I should quit my current job. Even with job x this idea of making $10 a day is feasible, I just would have to cover less days. I don't know what to do.

I don't have a magic ball.

I don't have a winning lottery ticket.

I don't have non-gappy, solid work history.

I am pretty smart though.

I am pretty creative too.

I also have some pretty intelligent and creative friends.

Oh, and there is that rich Father who loves me. It may sound hokey to some but I can do nothing but look at my life and see how God provides. So, here's to being like the lillies and the birds I guess and seeing what adventure comes up next.

What would you do to make $10 a day?

My quick rendition of lillies. 

Feelin' Like the Bee Girl in the Blind Melon video

Life is pretty plain and I wish I could say it wasn't raining in Ohio.

In a smart aleck move, I posted this to my FB as a public the other day:

Because I posted it as public it posted to my Twitter account. It got a little bit of response that and it is the which is prompting this.

First of all, Twitter still mostly alludes me. I kinda get it but I think I built my base to fast to be able to adequately function as a Tweeter. Plus, in all my Twitter experience I have noticed a large amount of... I don't know what to call it...but it's like if you crossed a leech with with an ad man and a total star fucker. Yeah, pretty fake.


Soo, when I got retweeted and subsequently followed, sigh, honestly, I thought it was some hapless hiphopper who had a good social media person. It's not racist, it's the logical conclusion of someone who has spent time doing the social media for a musician who happens to specialize in electronic music. And in normal, mistrusting gifted kid fashion I mostly ignored it until I could get more information.

So, @The_Real_Gifted's profile takes you to http://fuckyeahintellectualgiftedness.tumblr.com/ and I am all about it....of course, until it gets what it wants and leaves me sitting alone at the lunch table because the major book report is done and gone.

You know, it is not something I talk about in my life...I was in and got kicked out of the gifted program when I was a kid. I didn't get kicked out because I wasn't gifted anymore. I got kicked out because I wanted out and no one would let me and I figured out exactly what I needed to do to get the boot. I have had some slight discussions with former compadres and my brothers (both of whom were also in the gifted program which begs the question about the standards of my school's program). It's awkward and tentative, the way people relate to each other after...well, the Holocaust comes to mind.

Curse and a blessing is the best way to describe it. Once upon a time I was considered the best and the brightest and I was going to curse cancer and solve world hunger and the whole 10 hot dogs/8 buns thing and life was going to be sunshine and puppies. But here I am on a Saturday, full of wine and remorse writing a blog that barely anyone will read. I always saw great irony in the fact that our "gifted" room was off in no man's land, next to the MH (Multi-Handicapped) room. Same stick, different ends really, and if some one would have guided me through baking and selling cookies, I honestly would probably be a better person for it.

I think the curse and the blessing of giftedness is a subject I would like to cover more. If I had anymore energy for school, I would hit a psychology degree. I've always thought it would be really, really interesting to research gifted children as adults. I probably would steal a line from a week at Governor's Summer Institute for Gifted and Talented Children...."Gifted, Talented, and Emotionally Disturbed" for the title. I think of my own class and the long, strange trip most of us have taken. For all the reinforced intellection, we seem to have really gotten short changed in coping and well, geez, I don't really have enough blog space to cover this subject.

Really, I just wanted to say that who ever you are and whatever is right with you, whatever is wrong with you, there are people out there just like you and whenever you find them you should hold onto them and give them all your attention and laugh at their jokes and be extra creepy to show you appreciation.

You may not want to take my advise there. As a former gifted kid, I may do things in a weird and creepy way because I think everyone vibrates at this high level.


But yeah, it's nice to know that there are others.

Lots and lots of other.

Maybe we can become a protected class and I can file for disability on account of I am a formerly gifted child who can not pass any of these damned pre-employment test as an adult on account of years of intensive training to see things from all angles so erything is gray in my eyes.

Your Wounded Inner Child, Austin Pike Interchange and This Stain on This Shirt

What are things that are bothering Jenny today?  I'll take what is she going to do about it
for two cents, Alex.

The biggest challenge of the day is my co-workers...again. I ended up having a chance in encounter with my supervisor in the hallway and mentioned to her somethings and magically it has quieted down for the rest of the day. Hopefully for good but we'll see. I am not going to replay the events but definitely some twisted inner child stuff going on with this crowd.

I am not saying I don't have my own issues. It is because I do that I can recognize it in others. I work hard to heal those wounds. The stuff at work picks at my emotional scabs sometimes. There was a moment this morning when I truly felt like I was back in elementary school. But then I remembered that I am an adult and I don't have to get sucked into someone else's game. It really is nothing more than a game...a game of defective characters and spiritual bankruptcy. I don't have the power to heal anyone but I am adding this to my list of things to pray for on behalf of certain coworkers. Peace and healing from old hurts so that they can progress in life and fulfill their potential.

Also, there is a tendency of certain people in this group to throw scripture into our team chats. I am not opposed to scripture. I am opposed to people going to BibleGateway.com and randomly searching a feeling. I am opposed to people not practicing what they preach. Not my place to judge, so this is merely an observation, I have noticed that several of these folks have stood up and openly claimed their Christianity, only to curse someone or gossip in the next breath. There are a number of commandments and not so commanded things being overlooked and ignored.

If I were to choose a general verse, I would pick Galatians 1:10 and paraphrase it,"I choose to be popular with God, not with men." I don't know why but I think of that often at work. But if I were to put something in the team chat to counter what they were posting, it would most definitely be something from Proverbs but I can't really be specific without grabbing my Bible. Proverbs is filled with verses about laziness and folly.

Sigh, then we had an added complication today that pretty much obliterated what was left of the morale of the few people who actually have been working and adhering to schedules, etc. I am done. I am getting a new job on Tuesday. It's not arbitrary, I have an interview, and I am pretty sure it is my job.

The whole Austin Pike interchange annoyance is just that it can be unduly complicated to get from 675 to my office some days. What a mess?!

I have no idea where the stain on this shirt came from. It's a yellow shirt so the stain is glaringly obvious.

Big sigh, outside of work, things don't suck. I think I am finally getting somethings through my head about the way things are and what I need to do. I need to stop settling and get into something somewhere where my obsessive need to do the homework and best the best that I can be is appreciated. Life is not something that is meant to be endured. Sure, it's a journey. Sure, sometimes it is difficult. But I don't think any of us are supposed to spend our days just waiting it out until death. But that's just me, I may be certifiable or something because as of late most people treat me like I am f'in crazy.

I don't really have a good prayer to write in this post. Got a lot of things on my list and I am going to go spend sometime  before bed unloading them. Probably listen to some harp music on youtube. I got turned onto it while my husband was away. This one is one of my favorites, although, I don't think I have ever listened to the whole thing as it seems to lull me to sleep fairly quickly.

Prayers because I haven't got something better to talk about....

Okay so if you know me, you've seen my self-indulgence posted on FB. If not, I posted this this morning:  

Seven and one half hours left in my shift. That is how bad it has become...the countdown starts seven hours early. It has hit a place where it takes every ounce of energy to stay positive. It is time to move on. I don't fit in this team and it has become glaringly obvious that my hard work, mastery of the information and dedication have all been for naught. Here's to a day spent praying I don't have to be here tomorrow and that the separation is amicable...and not the over the top Half Baked-esqe fantasy I am entertaining right now. Thank God it's Wednesday!

 I know some people can not fathom a job that makes you contemplate all that is good and holy in the world but that's where I am. Ceterus parabus, I do love my job. It is a strange and wonderful job that 100% meshes with the weirdness of my brain. I take seriously the company objective to be someone's solution and actually have this graphic as part of my repertoire of time wasting stuff to sametime my6 coworkers with with a work related not blasphemous addition of "How Would Jesus Chat?" added to the space at the left.

 

It is pertinent. I mean I hear people carry on in an embarrassing way about their interactions. But seriously, my main objective at my job is to help people in as much time as it takes, so why anyone has a salty attitude is beyond me. Yes, it can get tedious. But that's just because we deal with, well, I had 743 chats last month, that is believe you me the patience of Job times infinity. 

Like I said, I like what I do, who I do it with is something entirely different. I seriously did use a combination of the Iheartradio.com Christian channel and prayer and incantation to get through today.If I could keep my head buried in the screen and not worry about personalities...I would be content. I can not though, so it throws a bit of a monkey wrench. 

I did spend a lot of my day in prayer. What else was I going to to do to keep me sane, most of the internet is blocked. Later in the day there was some sort of strange movement...maybe my prayer, maybe my movement, who knows?! 

Since I left and as I have thought about it. It would be a good idea to move this Kindness in Giving page to sort of a prayer page. I have been a bit lax on the prayer tip.

In the interest of time  and the fact that I am uber tired, I am just going to pray for my team. God knows their hurts and what they need to heal. I have a lot more specific things to say but I am tired and will do it off blog.

What's on your mind? What do you want to pray for?