With tornado watches issued shortly before noon Sunday, for the areas including, the western region of my mental health and the northern portions of my ability to deal rationally with my disconcerted precarious emotional situation

It's been quite a week. I think that is why I have "Emotional Weather Report" by Tom Waits streaming through my head. Love me some Tom Waits. As a matter of fact, what sounds absolutely fantastic is to have a late night chill out with Tom and this adequate premixed Cosmopolitan I bought. Something very Alice's apartment circa the turn of the century, with laid back with no place to be, no one to impress, flowing drinks and ever increasing silliness.

The high school drama of earlier this week resolved nicely. Thanks God! I am pretty sure there is less drama in thirty seconds of Telemundo novellas than in high school.

I don't much remember most of the week, because so much happened and my brain is getting old. If not old, perhaps those white spots on my MRI have grown and they weren't really an old head injury.

I interrupt this blog to beg you to watch this!  


Started a starter for sourdough, that was exciting. Seriously, I can not describe the joy it has brought me this past couple days. It smelled awful this morning and couldn't have been happier. I can't wait to use it.

We went to the Dragon's season opener yesterday. Cold but enjoyable. Ran into some old friends, and that really put me in a good mood. Then, this couple came from nowhere and gave us tickets to seats, nice high seats on the first base side. I totally think it was one of those being in the flow sort of things, and I'm pretty grateful.

I have a lot on my mind, but there were a couple of things this week that have me holding back a bit. It takes all of my energy somedays to stay positive, to not be sucked into the dark side. There is always a primal way to react, and a right way. This week I have been feeling quite primal. I can't afford to be all aggro all the time. I don't really like it either, except that it is an unfortunately comfortable place. One incident this week really tipped the scale, and quickly ripped the sheath of my venomous tongue and prepared for the kill. Sigh, and then I stepped back and thought about what really bothered me about the situation. Truth be told, I was pissed off that despite a friendly warning people who would possibly be offended by something proceeded to read it anyway. Then, the same people, rather than adding anything substantive just did what people of that slant do best act like spoiled children, skirting the issue and disparaging someone they don't really know squat about. The whole thing just left me fuming about the sorry state of this society and fallible logic systems that people hold their whole life and NEVER challenge.

It had me wanted to compose a very intimate profile of myself and how I came to be this person I am now, but people like that don't care about facts. They wallow in their own arrogance and would know the truth about anything even if it bit them on their self-importance, pseudo-intellectual asses. I'm gonna stop before I ruin a perfectly good evening.

I think a shorter version of this whole thing would have simply been to type: "I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore!" But where's the fun in that? 

A little Waits to take us out, and all will be well again...at least, well for two minutes and twenty-nine seconds:)

Sticks and stones and that old bullshit about words...

It really is complete nonsense that words don't or will never hurt me. Or anyone else for that matter. Anyone with half a soul has experienced the sting of off-handed, thought-less words BUT what's worse than that is those carefully chosen for points value utterances.

There is an issue with some straight-up, old-fashioned bullying with my daughter. It's what's got me a little restless tonight. The perp isn't even someone she knows. It is some girl who from what has been shared with me has taken it upon herself to implicate my daughter and one of her friends in some dubious activity with the perp's NOW boyfriend. Regardless, the more I hear the more it sounds like yet another parent-less, godless child is in need of an attitude adjustment.

It is probably one of the worst feelings ever as a parent to be in this situation. It's like a built-in automatic fail that they never cover in any parenting book. I will do my job as parent and go through the proper channels and try to get resolution. I know that sometimes this backfires. I also know that the overpaid union thugs who present themselves as stern yet caring school personnel do whatever they can do to do as little as they can do to actually rectify the situation and draw it to a full resolution. It's not opinion. It's that I have been here before. I fought tooth and nail for my kid with a bunch of lazy-ass, half-wit teachers who wanted to put everything on me and my husband and suggest all sorts of ideas OTHER THAN facing the problem head on and mediating between my child, myself, and the other parents. In fact, every time myself or my husband attempted to help our kid get results, the counselors, teachers, et al would make EXCUSES for the little shits that were terrorizing our kid and NEVER considered confronting them.

So here we are...AGAIN!

What makes this so much damn harder for me is that I know what that is like. I know first hand the pain, the demoralization that comes with being targeted by someone for no good god-damned reason. I spent most of childhood being relentlessly picked on. For whatever reason, reasons I will never know probably, one day in about second or third grade, someone decided that I was 'it' and that never went away. I had friends, but you know what things were so completely horrible that I never really trusted anyone. I don't think I ever really got to know many of my friends on any level that would make them value me or my friendship. Actually, I shouldn't say think, I know. I try to connect, TRULY connect with my old friends and it just doesn't happen. Every bit of the way that I acted when I was a kid was a defense mechanism to protect me from all those allegedly unhurtful words.

I ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY VOWED THAT MY KIDS WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE TO FEEL THAT SORT OF PAIN. I know that I can not protect them from everything. I have covered every base that I could possibly think of to minimize that chances that some chromosomally deficient cretin could rear their ugly ego driven head. I feel so helpless. I feel like I have lost my daughter some days. Like from before and everything that happened and it's like she is punishing us because we couldn't stop it before so she has absolutely zero faith in our ability to take care of her.

What the fuck is wrong with people? Is it really that fucking hard to mind your own damn business and worry about your own damn self? The fact that I am an adult that fully understands the why, the abysmal self-esteem, the self-centeredness, the lack of any sort of spiritual center, the complete and total disregard for peace and love and the sanctity of human existence, does not make anything any easier bear.

I feel myself restraining myself from an old mode that I thought had been completely erased from my memory. It's part junkyard dog, part venomous evil, and 100% survival. I do not like this, and I am not going to be ruled by this. Those who can and do should pray, oh and pray hard...because like someone once told me,"You can take the girl out of Germantown, but you can't take Germantown out of the girl." And given the fact that I have been fully ready to throw down since I saw my baby huddled up in her bed at three in  the afternoon.

I regret that I didn't make the sacrifices that I might have had to make to send her to MVS. I was lulled into a false sense of security with the awesomeness of her elementary. I say that I might have had to make because I am looking at all of that now and seeing that private school or home-schooling was 100% feasible then, so maybe my bigger regret is that I didn't have the faith to follow through with the action.

Tonight, amidst everything, I thought of the Madonna song "Human Nature". I remember the first I heard it, saw the video and I really related...or at least grasped onto the line,"I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me." A difference between me and my girl that I am eternally thankful for is that--well, she is not like me in so far as her reactions and the thickness of her skin. My reaction to the actions around me was to become pretty aggressive myself. Good lord what a vicious cycle that never solved anything!  Anyway, I think that's why that line resonates with me. It seems that on some level when I was younger I did understand that whatever what happening didn't actually have anything to do with me. I couldn't wait to graduate because I knew that that their were bigger and better things for me, and dude I was not wrong. I don't want her waiting out her next three years of high school, though. I want her to enjoy every minute of every day and to "stay golden" for lack of anything original to say. I want her to know that she isn't anyone's bitch and that no one can really hang their shit on her unless she let's them And most importantly, that I love her. No matter how many times she says no or shuts the door or tunes me out or all of the other things that she does or doesn't . I love her and that will never change. And if I have learned anything from Harry Potter, it's that evil can't touch a mother's love.

I know that there is no perfect situation. I know that I can't make everything better. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let some one fuck with my kid. I have the luggage from that shop and it ain't pretty...

Lenten Specials Daily...

Okay, so, the Toshiba people still have my laptop held hostage in their weird little repair lair. That being said, I feel a bit restricted. That being said, isn't weird how quickly I got used to having a laptop with WiFi to tool around the house with?

So much goes on, I really wish that some sort of brain wave to text translator had been perfected.  It's who we are I guess, and I'm thankful.

I just wish sometimes that I had the time to sit down and type out the things running through my head. I hate to think that I am the only one on the face of the Earth that finds me remotely entertaining. Seriously, I find me pretty funny. The downside is that no one else seems to get me. I hate that, constantly having to explain every sentence I utter. Not even the humor, some days it seems like if I say it's a pretty day or that was a good lunch that I have to fully explain with no less than two visual aids what I mean by that statement.

All that really does is lead to me feeling whole-heartedly dissatisfied and a bit on the outside. I know I speak fluent English but a lot of times anymore I feel like Joe in Idiocracy. In case you've never seen that, that means that my shits all retarded and I talk like a fag. Sad, but from where I am living that movie is a pretty fair reflection of the disintegration of society.

I was going to go all out and actually "give up" something meaningful for Lent this year. Never happened. The best God  is going to get out of me is going through the Lenten booklet from church, because to be completely frickin' honest I am totally back into a doubting corner. What does anything have to do with anything? Why does everything seem completely futile? Why am I even bothering to type this if no one is reading? And couldn't divine intervention or a call from God really be an untreated high fever?

Seriously, I know it pisses some people off, but this is where I am. How am I supposed to look at my entire life and be able to seriously give any credence to a higher power. I am a bit in whatever mode. And even that is a bit confusing as I think of Mark Houston talking about whatever as a spiritual thing.

Sigh.....

I really don't know anything about nothing. It's altogether liberating and terrifying. Maybe it's not too late to give up total control for Lent and fly by the seat of my pants and see where that gets me. I'm sure it will be far I just hope it leaves time to get the kitchen clean.

TWMA,
J

Faulty Adapter...story of my life

My apologies for not getting those new post up before Valentine's Day. I am waiting for a replacement adapter for my laptop. Don't really know what went wrong with it, but thankfully it is still under warranty.

It's mostly pointless now.

I am noticing a theme here.

According to the calendar over my sink, it is "Random Acts of Kindness" week. Probably won't be doing anything there, as I am not feeling kind or any synonym thereof. Besides, I wouldn't know what to do for anyone anyway. Being kind and generous hasn't done anything for me so far, so I think stopping would be the most logical solution.

I do sort of think that this faulty adapter issue is the story of my life. I never fit in anywhere, no matter how much I tried or didn't. Anyway...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Behold the power of...

I bet you thought I was going to say cheese. While I don't begrudge cheese its power, I was thinking of something else. I don't know whether to say prayer or faith or spirituality but it's one or all of those things on my mind lately. Although, I could go for some good cheese...

I feel really disorganized. I intend to work on that this week to get back to posting those giving opportunities like I was doing. I have a few of them, I just haven't checked them out yet. Envision me lighting a fire under myself because a few of them are timely (read: Valentine's).

I have really been beneath a seemingly unshakable dark cloud lately. It is an interesting place to be. It's not unhappiness, it's fear and isolation and this repeating pattern of never seeming to be able to make the right connection at the right time. My anxiety has kicked in to a gear that I thought I'd burned out long ago. I wonder sometimes if I am even capable of experiencing certain things.Then, I get this email that says that anxiety and fear are basically character defects I haven't faced, so god help me because I can't possibly be this defective.

I have been reluctant to share my feelings because I don't need scripture thrown at me, nor do I need to hear the wisdom of Oprah's flavor of the month. And much worse, I don't need to have it all thrown back in my face with the incredulous responses questioning how I could possibly have an iota of stress because I do not work outside the home. It is hardly a life of leisure though, and unlike my counterparts of days gone by I do not expect my husband to magically fix and maintain everything on his own while I sit back obliviously.

I have a stack of books next to my bed that I had hoped would help gain insight. The top of that stack is my Bible. Surprised? You shouldn't be, I have long enjoyed the Bible and all it's intricacies. Anyway, I don't want to keep spinning my wheels. I am low on patience and I don't really know anyone who shares some of my outlooks on life. Books always seem a good source, and you would think between the daily readers and the full length dissertation and my obsession with the wisdom books that I would be more nonplussed.

Pfffft. Double Pfffffft.

So then there is prayer. I do pray. I have been told I pray "wrong" before. I don't mind if any one else in the world prays for me. I do mind when they pray to exert their will over me, rather for me to have's God will revealed to me. I wonder about the validity of prayer lately. It's that whole openendness of when your prayers don't manifest the way you would like them to or at all. I have nothing left to believe in those cases except that God hates me.

To say that my faith is wavering is an understatement. I am not ashamed to say that. I feel like a spiritual Wylie Coyote. I let go to let God and found myself slammed into the side of a cliff. Meanwhile, a bunch o' Roadrunners are beep-beeping past me unscathed and expecting me to just be okay.

I am not okay. I thought I was. I am frustrated. I am sad. I don't know what the point of opening up is, because it's always met with the same resistance. I know I am not like other people, I never have been. I have a much deeper understanding of God than most would probably ever give me credit for, and whatever isn't in alignment right now, it eludes me. If I am supposed to learn something, I am missing it. If I am supposed to do something, I haven't figured it out.

I don't really know what else to say, but bear with me. I will will post some good giving goodies either later tonight or tomorrow. I will try to focus on good things for you my friends.

I love you all, and thanks for putting up with me.

Seven Songs for a Monday Meltdown

These are in no particular order, at least, I don't think they are :)

1. NeverShoutNever-Sacreligious
 If you've never met Christopher Drew, you most likely do not have a teenaged girl in your life. The first time I heard this is I was pleasantly surprised because it did not take the turn that I thought it would. The song is penned by Mr.Drew in response to his having been kicked out of church at age 16. I used to feel that same way a lot. I don't anymore. It's a nice feeling.



2. Cowboy Mouth - Jenny Says Some day, I will seriously work on my compilation of songs with my name in them and this song will be high on the list. On a day like today it is nice to be reminded to "Let it go, let it go, let it go!"


3.Spoon - Got Nuffin
I like Spoon. Is there any other reason needed?


4. JJ Fad - SupersonicWhy? Because you haven't heard this song in ages. If you are of a certain age, then this song makes smile. I see you bopping your head and remembering those simpler times at the skating rink already. If not, sorry maybe next time.



5. Rickie Byars Beckwith with the Gateway to Agape Choir- We Let It Be
This a recording of a rehearsal.  There are more dynamic versions on CD and that have been performed by others but this is still every bit as calming and beautiful. The Balls of Fire Gospel Choir at Unity of Dayton performed this a few months back. I hadn't heard it before then, but since I've probably burned it permanently into my soul.


6. Smosh - Firetruck
My daughter shared this with me the other day and I have it stuck in my head. Complete silliness comes in handy during a meltdown.


7. Quiet Riot- Bang Your Head
Why? Why after such a lovely list would I pick this song as my number seven song for a Monday meltdown? Distractions and stress management are fine but sometimes the best course of action is to feel your feelings. You'll feel better for it in the long run to admit that there is an issue that to try and stuff it down. I know not everyone likes metal, but lemme tell you it can be very therapeutic.


Today has felt like a consortium of Jenny haters have gathered to stick Voodoo dolls of me while they sit around my burning effigy campfire and chant incantations intended to firetruck me up. There are a few specific things, but I am trying not to dwell on them. I can't pretend I understand anything about my life anymore. I don't have any profound insights or gems of wisdom or nuggets of truth to share with anyone these days. But I've got a vast, eclectic and ever growing music catalog in my heads and maybe that is enough to keep me from going completely crazy.

Who knows anymore!