I bet you thought I was going to say cheese. While I don't begrudge cheese its power, I was thinking of something else. I don't know whether to say prayer or faith or spirituality but it's one or all of those things on my mind lately. Although, I could go for some good cheese...
I feel really disorganized. I intend to work on that this week to get back to posting those giving opportunities like I was doing. I have a few of them, I just haven't checked them out yet. Envision me lighting a fire under myself because a few of them are timely (read: Valentine's).
I have really been beneath a seemingly unshakable dark cloud lately. It is an interesting place to be. It's not unhappiness, it's fear and isolation and this repeating pattern of never seeming to be able to make the right connection at the right time. My anxiety has kicked in to a gear that I thought I'd burned out long ago. I wonder sometimes if I am even capable of experiencing certain things.Then, I get this email that says that anxiety and fear are basically character defects I haven't faced, so god help me because I can't possibly be this defective.
I have been reluctant to share my feelings because I don't need scripture thrown at me, nor do I need to hear the wisdom of Oprah's flavor of the month. And much worse, I don't need to have it all thrown back in my face with the incredulous responses questioning how I could possibly have an iota of stress because I do not work outside the home. It is hardly a life of leisure though, and unlike my counterparts of days gone by I do not expect my husband to magically fix and maintain everything on his own while I sit back obliviously.
I have a stack of books next to my bed that I had hoped would help gain insight. The top of that stack is my Bible. Surprised? You shouldn't be, I have long enjoyed the Bible and all it's intricacies. Anyway, I don't want to keep spinning my wheels. I am low on patience and I don't really know anyone who shares some of my outlooks on life. Books always seem a good source, and you would think between the daily readers and the full length dissertation and my obsession with the wisdom books that I would be more nonplussed.
Pfffft. Double Pfffffft.
So then there is prayer. I do pray. I have been told I pray "wrong" before. I don't mind if any one else in the world prays for me. I do mind when they pray to exert their will over me, rather for me to have's God will revealed to me. I wonder about the validity of prayer lately. It's that whole openendness of when your prayers don't manifest the way you would like them to or at all. I have nothing left to believe in those cases except that God hates me.
To say that my faith is wavering is an understatement. I am not ashamed to say that. I feel like a spiritual Wylie Coyote. I let go to let God and found myself slammed into the side of a cliff. Meanwhile, a bunch o' Roadrunners are beep-beeping past me unscathed and expecting me to just be okay.
I am not okay. I thought I was. I am frustrated. I am sad. I don't know what the point of opening up is, because it's always met with the same resistance. I know I am not like other people, I never have been. I have a much deeper understanding of God than most would probably ever give me credit for, and whatever isn't in alignment right now, it eludes me. If I am supposed to learn something, I am missing it. If I am supposed to do something, I haven't figured it out.
I don't really know what else to say, but bear with me. I will will post some good giving goodies either later tonight or tomorrow. I will try to focus on good things for you my friends.
I love you all, and thanks for putting up with me.