If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Monday, April 4, 2011

Sticks and stones and that old bullshit about words...

It really is complete nonsense that words don't or will never hurt me. Or anyone else for that matter. Anyone with half a soul has experienced the sting of off-handed, thought-less words BUT what's worse than that is those carefully chosen for points value utterances.

There is an issue with some straight-up, old-fashioned bullying with my daughter. It's what's got me a little restless tonight. The perp isn't even someone she knows. It is some girl who from what has been shared with me has taken it upon herself to implicate my daughter and one of her friends in some dubious activity with the perp's NOW boyfriend. Regardless, the more I hear the more it sounds like yet another parent-less, godless child is in need of an attitude adjustment.

It is probably one of the worst feelings ever as a parent to be in this situation. It's like a built-in automatic fail that they never cover in any parenting book. I will do my job as parent and go through the proper channels and try to get resolution. I know that sometimes this backfires. I also know that the overpaid union thugs who present themselves as stern yet caring school personnel do whatever they can do to do as little as they can do to actually rectify the situation and draw it to a full resolution. It's not opinion. It's that I have been here before. I fought tooth and nail for my kid with a bunch of lazy-ass, half-wit teachers who wanted to put everything on me and my husband and suggest all sorts of ideas OTHER THAN facing the problem head on and mediating between my child, myself, and the other parents. In fact, every time myself or my husband attempted to help our kid get results, the counselors, teachers, et al would make EXCUSES for the little shits that were terrorizing our kid and NEVER considered confronting them.

So here we are...AGAIN!

What makes this so much damn harder for me is that I know what that is like. I know first hand the pain, the demoralization that comes with being targeted by someone for no good god-damned reason. I spent most of childhood being relentlessly picked on. For whatever reason, reasons I will never know probably, one day in about second or third grade, someone decided that I was 'it' and that never went away. I had friends, but you know what things were so completely horrible that I never really trusted anyone. I don't think I ever really got to know many of my friends on any level that would make them value me or my friendship. Actually, I shouldn't say think, I know. I try to connect, TRULY connect with my old friends and it just doesn't happen. Every bit of the way that I acted when I was a kid was a defense mechanism to protect me from all those allegedly unhurtful words.

I ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY VOWED THAT MY KIDS WOULD NEVER EVER HAVE TO FEEL THAT SORT OF PAIN. I know that I can not protect them from everything. I have covered every base that I could possibly think of to minimize that chances that some chromosomally deficient cretin could rear their ugly ego driven head. I feel so helpless. I feel like I have lost my daughter some days. Like from before and everything that happened and it's like she is punishing us because we couldn't stop it before so she has absolutely zero faith in our ability to take care of her.

What the fuck is wrong with people? Is it really that fucking hard to mind your own damn business and worry about your own damn self? The fact that I am an adult that fully understands the why, the abysmal self-esteem, the self-centeredness, the lack of any sort of spiritual center, the complete and total disregard for peace and love and the sanctity of human existence, does not make anything any easier bear.

I feel myself restraining myself from an old mode that I thought had been completely erased from my memory. It's part junkyard dog, part venomous evil, and 100% survival. I do not like this, and I am not going to be ruled by this. Those who can and do should pray, oh and pray hard...because like someone once told me,"You can take the girl out of Germantown, but you can't take Germantown out of the girl." And given the fact that I have been fully ready to throw down since I saw my baby huddled up in her bed at three in  the afternoon.

I regret that I didn't make the sacrifices that I might have had to make to send her to MVS. I was lulled into a false sense of security with the awesomeness of her elementary. I say that I might have had to make because I am looking at all of that now and seeing that private school or home-schooling was 100% feasible then, so maybe my bigger regret is that I didn't have the faith to follow through with the action.

Tonight, amidst everything, I thought of the Madonna song "Human Nature". I remember the first I heard it, saw the video and I really related...or at least grasped onto the line,"I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me." A difference between me and my girl that I am eternally thankful for is that--well, she is not like me in so far as her reactions and the thickness of her skin. My reaction to the actions around me was to become pretty aggressive myself. Good lord what a vicious cycle that never solved anything!  Anyway, I think that's why that line resonates with me. It seems that on some level when I was younger I did understand that whatever what happening didn't actually have anything to do with me. I couldn't wait to graduate because I knew that that their were bigger and better things for me, and dude I was not wrong. I don't want her waiting out her next three years of high school, though. I want her to enjoy every minute of every day and to "stay golden" for lack of anything original to say. I want her to know that she isn't anyone's bitch and that no one can really hang their shit on her unless she let's them And most importantly, that I love her. No matter how many times she says no or shuts the door or tunes me out or all of the other things that she does or doesn't . I love her and that will never change. And if I have learned anything from Harry Potter, it's that evil can't touch a mother's love.

I know that there is no perfect situation. I know that I can't make everything better. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let some one fuck with my kid. I have the luggage from that shop and it ain't pretty...

No comments:

Post a Comment