If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

There's not a line that goes here that rhymes with anything

The old across the street view in Spring.
Trying to blog while playing FrontierVille and streaming radio was giving my machine the fits, so I am now listening to sounds of rolling thunder. It's rather distant at the moment. I can hear faint strains of neighbors talking too. Thankfully whoever had the yappy dog out has had the decency to let it in. Dog knew the storm was headed this way. Woohoo, more rain to try and find a place to go in my water logged backyard. No kidding, I let my son swim in our new pond earlier. It's about knee high on him in spots. He loved every minute of it. I enjoyed it also, especially the part where he found an old Swiffer on the back patio and would shout "Rocket!" as he launched it into the water.

Getting closer...I can't see any lightning, but maybe it's just a matter of my curtain not being drawn enough. But I can hear the rain starting up. Not subtle at all...

My other half is away on a business trip. This is the third time since we've been married that he has had to be away overnight. However, it's the first time it has ever been for more than one night. It is weird to not have him here. He is supposed to call but he's in Central Time and last I heard they were off to dinner and beignets. It's after ten here, I don't know that I'll make it much longer seeing as I have to get up with the boy who doesn't know what sleep in means.

I've not really been in a good place lately. It's hard to explain. I do think my friend, Pat, is onto something with the sensitivity.  I think the weather is causing my atypical migraines to respond atypically. I don't really know with everything that is going on is it migraine? Tension? Sinus? Hangover? I tend to discount the migraine idea because when I was first diagnosed my only headache was the so-called rebound headache which only happened after some really fun ocular issues.  That really hasn't been the case lately, just some excruciating, intractable pain. Nice. I could make a doctor's appointment, but I don't really want to spend the money. Sure, I am already paying for the insurance, and it has been a longtime since I have seen Dr. Hottie, but given my history, he'll just offer me what ever it was I used to take and see me in three months.

When I get headaches, I often find myself thinking of the movie Pi. It is a good movie if you give it a chance. I like me some Darren Aronofsky. It's not happy, fuzzy escapism but it is always good nonetheless. I have not yet had a chance to see Black Swan, but I am sure that when I finally do it will be every bit of dark and wonderful that I expect from ol' Darren.

It seems like I can't say what I feel without people jumping on me for some reason or another. You know what, I do not feel happy lately and I do not know what to do about it because it's complicated. It isn't anything that anyone did or didn't do. It really isn't like that at all. It isn't that I lack gratitude or any number of other things I have been accused of. Again, it's complicated. I have things that I feel drawn to, and I would like to accomplish. I feel very unaccomplished. I don't feel like for all of my time here that I have anything to show for it. I feel like a shitty mother most days. And outside of that, fairly icky most days.

It's not like I want to set the world on fire or cure cancer or anything like. I get to the end of a day and I feel like I have so much left to do, but then conversely I feel like I have wasted time. I keep hearing that service sets the soul free but I have yet to find service that doesn't lead to more encumbrance. How could one person get so many things wrong?

Although there are those who would argue to the contrary, I don't really have much to offer the world. I have read and heard things that talk about if you have a strong inclination toward something that you need to explore it. Face what scares you head on and grab it by the horns. Set intentions. Make it so Number One.  Yada Yada Yada, Bullshit. Total Bullshit.

I am not just saying that. Oh, I would do so much service work if I could but as it is it just leaves me more frustrated. I don't really have any one to drop my son on with, so if I find an opportunity that I can bring him along with, I just feel really frazzled by the end of my time. He is a very active, very inquisitive kid, wouldn't have it any other way....except when I want to have some valuable adult time.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to express myself in a way that doesn't alienate the very people I am trying to get close to.  I have nothing even close to a Midas touch, seems like everything I touch turns to something quite less desirable than gold.

I am a mess. Total mess. I mean fuck all, I lost it a church yesterday when the opening song was "Morning Has Broken" because it was sung at my dad's funeral and I am fairly certain that if ever there was proof of this God rumor that everyone is talking about, well that's just the icing on the ol' cake.

I miss my dad. Deeply and in ways I could have ever imagined, Some days, I look at Boogie and I think of how my dad would have reacted and I just can't help but think that Boogie got shafted. I don;t know if it is because I was jacked up on meds for post-partum depression or if it is pushing my own needs aside to attend to my daughter who needed something or someone...thousands of dollars later I am honestly not sure...after dad passed. I do not think I ever really truly mourned and it's a hard place to be because at this point, I think everyone expects that I would be "over it".

The crux of my problem is that I feel very, very alone, I reach out to people in meaningful ways and do not make connections. I walk around every day wondering what the hell is wrong with me because people rebuff my acts of kindness.  Some days, I feel like I have overstayed my welcome.

Whatever. I am going to bed.


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