|MGD - Extreme Close-up July 4, 2006|
The whole $2.99 for a bottle of wine, now also has me thinking of Howling Maggie, a band you've probably never heard of, that has a great song called 'Alcohol' and a slightly more expensive '$3.99' song on their Honeysuckle Strange album. I saw them on a few occasions in my ill-spent youth but then I spent my freshman year in Columbus so that's cheating. But anyway that's my randomness for the moment...
I could do a whole alcohol soaked blogged. I certainly can think of a number of songs that are either directly about sloshy times or that make me think of previous good times. And then that would lead me down a path of tellin' tales that are dear to me, like my first taste of straight Jager with my bros on my birthday. Both of them said it tasted like nasty feet smell but I drank it anyway. That was such a great night. We are soo due for a good going out like that again. Or staying in, I don't care either way. I don't see enough of my bros sometimes, but that's just the way it goes I guess.
I am feeling slightly better since last time I wrote. But only very slightly. I am not the only one who is feeling so out of sorts. It doesn't make things better. Worse actually. My other half is usually the positive uplifting one, and for him to be feeling some of the same doubts and whatnot that I am. I dunno, it is what it is but it's rough.
I suppose I am entirely naive about the world despite my worldliness. I guess I still like to believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters. I hate feeling so cynical about the world, but for the most part that's the only face the world has ever shown me. Seriously, a conversation earlier tonight has me wondering if there is any goodness left in the world. Is it remotely possible for two reasonably intelligent hardworking people to get anywhere anymore? We've done okay, but not as well as we anticipated. Perhaps that would explain why it has taken us this long to start seriously freaking about the things normal people freak out about right away when they lose a job.
Another thought tonight, is that the modern holy grail is a work at home job. Seems reasonable enough, because in my experience there are plenty of things that could easily and effectively be done outside of an office. I am probably wrong...hell, I am always wrong and I have the disciplinary write ups to prove it. Several weeks ago, when R & I were both pretty hotly searching, racing almost to find a job, he sent me a lead that I followed. It all seemed reasonable, and certainly less of a pain in the ass than other things I have gotten myself involved in. I gave up over-thinking for Lent, so perhaps that's really where the problem lies, but at face this looked like a good thing. But tonight, my two scheduled appointments didn't show up on the live webcast that they were supposed to. Now, it wouldn't be so bad, but for the past week I have steadily had no shows for these events. If people aren't following through there, then I eventually will not get paid because I get paid. I knew that going in, and it's my own damn fault for being so over-confident.
I dunno, maybe it's because I skipped the warm market step. You know, that's where some of the other day's outburst came from. I don't quite feel like I have a warm market. I have felt that way for a very long time. When I was in my last few quarters in college, I went to more than a few interviews at various insurance and low-level financial planning firms that talked about developing my warm market as I built my book of business. I obviously never took those jobs. I could never see how I could. I don't have a big close family where I have names and numbers and actual relationships with people who might share one or more allele with me. Again, it is what it is, I am just as much to blame for that as they are I guess. Some people I can't mend a fence with, it's completely un-Christian of me, but then I never claimed to be Christian. (I really don't identify that way, and it's complicated so unless you come bearing a communion we can discuss it over, don't even try because you will wear out before I do...just sayin'.)
So is the whole world an illusion? Is there really no concrete reality? If nothing is real, if everyone's perception is reality then what pray tell is the "point" of all this? And if everything is pre-determined as part of God's infinite plan, then isn't my dissatisfaction with our current situation actually dissatisfaction with God's Divine plan? I've pretty much been Sisyphus for the better part of the last 15 years. I keep pushing this stupid rock thinking that it's just a little bit further and everything will be better if I can just get it up to that ledge. While I have been working on this my daughter came into chat me up, and that hurts because I am sitting here having to tell her that I honestly do not know if we can get her a gold pass. A gold pass that she wouldn't even probably want if her friend didn't already have one. I guess there is something to leaching off the system and never taking responsibility for your own self, you can afford luxuries. Maybe that's where R & I have gone wrong, we are wired for pulling our own weight and tightening our bootstraps to make things happen. Maybe we should have said fuck five months ago and trudged down to ye old "job center" and picked up a smorgasbord of government assistance. Then we could both let ourselves go...
We don't even want to be dirty, filthy rich or anything. We don't wanna be gangsta and drive pimp cars. We just want to be comfortable. We want to take care of our kids, and help them out with college as much as possible. Maybe people don't realize but J has some pretty big aspirations. The other day she told me that she didn't think that prom was a big deal because she was pretty sure that at some point in her life she was going to be invited to a presidential ball. She has been talking a lot about law school lately, which is great. It totally suits her. If you have never had the privilege of arguing something as mundane as lunch with her you are truly missing out. I honestly used to have a hard time punishing her for things because she would present such compelling, and sometimes valid, arguments in her defense. I have a little saved up for her, but not enough to get her through the places she dreams about. Not enough to keep her from become all jaded and weather-worn like me.
Some people would say just keep on keeping on. Or quote ol' Dorie's "Just keep swimming." It's not that easy though. Swimming is a very tiring activity. If it wasn't there is no way, that any of us who've ever spent time in the basement at Portage could have actually ever slept. I mean seriously, if you keep planting a garden and nothing grows, you eventually give up, right?
Give up. I don't think I know the exact meaning of the phrase. I always reassess and regroup and carry on. Maybe that's my biggest fault...maybe actually giving up and giving in is something that I should consider.
All of this has me thinking of Nirvana's "Dumb". Well, kind of, I don't so much think that I am dumb as I do think that I have bought into an unsustainable American Dream. What ever course laid out for me by this so-called divine plan has never involved anything less than sheer agony and heartache. What is the point of being a fighter if there is never any payout? Seriously, fuck me for passing up every less than ideal thing because I thought there was something "better".
See, I told you that it was a pretty good cheap wine :)
There is no other way to end this than with Local H.
So tired of spinning my wheel, I wonder when I will ever know what success taste like.