My god it's late

I logged on nearly three hours ago and I'm just getting around to this...

I had so much to say but jesus I've been talking to Lorrie so I lost my train of thought. For a little while I was IMing with Rob, but I digress.

In the meantime a song played...always a song...
Come Back And Stay -- Paul Young
Since you've been goneI shut my eyesAnd I fantasizeThat you're here with meWill you ever return?I want you satisfied'Till you're by my sideDon't wait any longer...Why don't you come back?Please hurry, Why don't you come back?Please hurry...Come back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeYou said goodbyeI was trying to hideWhat I felt insideUntil you passed me byYou said you'd returnYou said that you'd be mine'Till the end of timeDon't wait any longer!Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry, Why don't you come back?Please hurry...Come back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeSince you've been gone...Opened my eyesAnd I realizeWhat we had togetherWill you ever return?I'll have you change your mindIf you won't stay mineJust love me forever!love me forever...Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry!Come back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeDon't ever leave me...

It's not going to happen, but it's nice to think about. I like thinking about it. It makes me happy. I hear it's not good for me though, to be so hung up on someone. Especially someone who has dealt me a great deal of hearache in the past, but seeing as he has never been my boyfriend or significant other in any sort of way, isn't really my fault for letting myself take the pain?

Ah, now Sisters of Mercy "More" is on, and Lorrie and I are talking about that one who keeps getting away...

Maybe tomorrow will be different.

Show report...

Who am I kidding? I'm too too tired to type straight. All in all a good
time...

So, who called my house at 12:24am and didn't leave a message? It's rude you
know.

TGIF, even though I have to work a sold out show tomorrow: Eddie Money,
Loverboy, and Rick Springfield. Compared to Lifestyles Community Pavilion we
really are quite militant. Ironic considering that our crowd is on average
probably 20 years older than the crowd last night and far less energetic.

Maybe more later if I feel like...maybe not...

Does emotional music have quite an effect on you?

Ah, Faith No More...

 

I have an interview in an hour and a half. Then, I have to go pick up Jo and drop her off at my parents. Then I have to get to Aullwood by 4. Superwoman or superstupid, I can't decide.

 

Looking good today...at least I hope so.

 

There has to be something that I can do to make it all better for me. I guess I just haven't figured it out yet. It's been nice the past few weeks as far as life with Jo goes.

 

'Cept for the whole wanting a sibling thing. She actually looked up adoption information for me. Now she is trying to think of ways to make enough money to afford to adopt.

 

It would all be easier if boys liked me. Of all the ones I've already met only one or two really appeal to me anymore. One will probably always be the pain in the ass that he has always been. Well, except for one of my goals this summer is to resolve or dissolve the relationship. It sounds hard, but sometimes ya gotta do stuff like that to get past certain ruts in life. The other that comes to mind is really just a crush I'd like to explore.

 

Sarah wants me to go to Wes' viewing with her. I'm not feeling up to it. I haven't seen the guy since graduation, sometimes it's just better to keep the memories you have untainted. Plus, I really don't feel comfortable going to what will end up being something of a gigantic reunion.

 

As my luck will have it, I will probably meet someone in Columbus tonight. Not really in the mood for that.

 

I guess if everything always worked out the way you wanted it to they wouldn't call it life, would they?

 

It would sure be nice though if Mr.Tom Petty is right, and "even the losers get lucky sometimes"

 

 

Lightness of being...

I was late to work today. I think I may be on the verge of getting written up, and for various reasons I do not care.

A patient asked me out today. A much older man, and I have a feeling that he will try again.

I have an interview tomorrow. It's very odd, the jobs I have had no business applying for seem to be the ones that I am getting called in for.

Tomorrow is also the big Dresden Dolls/Panic at the Disco! trip to Columbus.

Sigh...in re: the happy place. It's still partially intact. One of the major problems is these little fantasy trips. It is amazing how stupidly the human mind with wrap around an idea. An idea, I might add, has never found fruition up to this point so why should I still have this optimism about the whole situation.

Oh, also it is intacted because I found gas for 2.95/gallon. Jesus, who'da thunk that I'd be happy about that?!

It's all fun and games 'til someone deals a death card...

The mood is odd...

The whole waking up with"Don't Fade on Me" stuck in my head.

The day was pretty laid back. Really a good time...

Jo and I decided to see if we could snag a spot in one of the many parking lots near Delco. It's rainy, and really not worth fighting the crowd. We did find a spot, and when I grabbed my cell to check the time I noticed I had a missed call from a number I did not recognize.

It turned out to be a friend calling to tell me that she just found out that someone we grew up with passed away. The message alone would have been okay, except she felt the need to go on about the weirdness of someone our age dying.

Scrunchy face...if I died tomorrow...oh the things running through my head right now....

Happy St 4th Independence Tuesday

Woke up this morning with Tom Petty "Don't Fade on Me" running through my head. I'd ask if this is what happens when I sleep well, but I am not entirely sure that I did. I hate to say this, but I think I am losing my happy place.

 

It's my fault if I am. I opened a door that should have stayed shut. There is this fantasyland I go from time to time, and as great as the fantasies are--

 

If you are ever looking for lyrics or poems or whatnot, I highly suggest Poemhunter.

 

I don't feel as much like writing as I thought I had this morning. Apparently, everything must stay in my head for a bit longer. So, here get it stuck in your head too...

 

Don’t Fade on Me                             Tom Petty

I remember you so clearly The first one through the door I return to find you drifting Too far from the shore I remember feeling this way You can lose it without knowing You wake up and you don’t notice Which way the wind is blowing Don’t fade Don’t fade on me You were the one who made things different You were the one who took me in You were the one thing I could count on Above all you were my friend Don’t fade Don’t fade on me Well your clothes hang on a wire And the sun is overhead But today you are too weary To even leave your bed Was it love that took you under? Or did you know too much? Was it something you could picture? But never could quite touch? Don’t fade Don’t fade on me

 

 

 

Always written, never sent...

So, you know how sometimes it is said that it is what is unseen or unsaid that is important? That thing lurking beneath the surface maybe...

Today I have been locked in a hardcore thinking pattern. Always written, never sent refers to a whole range of conversations, letters, whatnot that swim in my head but never make it to their intended recipient. In this case, it refers to one particular person in my life.

It's like the freakin' white bear curse or something. I don't try to think about it. It just creeps in, and then BOOM next thing you know I'm there again in that place I don't know how to get out of. Besides talking to myself, I have actually written a few emails to this curse, but sent them to myself.
Silly? Maybe, but it was quite helpful.

If I were to write one right now it would probably go a little something like this:
You suck :) I'm still waiting for your email. How am I supposed to know if I have to flip the couch cushion if you don't tell me?

So, I have been thinking a lot about things lately. Hmmm, and that something that you were talking about. Ever seen Empire Records? There is a scene in that...always makes me think of you and me. It's the one where Liv Tyler's character confronts that boy she likes on the roof and she's all pushing him around, telling him how stupid he is because he doesn't realize how special he is. Yeah, anyway...

Do you not think that I have never thought about that stuff? Now thanks to you...well, you and the last couple of months of my life I'm thinking about it again. You're such a guy. I have thought about this stuff in terms of life with you not always there, and I have always been okay with it. I've never thought it wouldn't work, I've just never been able to ask you to stay. I think that if I could be someplace else or you could be here, then well everything would be okay.

Anyway...I need a shower. I'll think of you :)

Take care,
Jen

There's a whole world of people who need made fun of, a whole of people who need us to make fun of them. It's a pity, eh? It feels like it's never going to happen. Much the way it always feels like it is the relationship that I should always be in...so hard to explain.

I 'm off to bed. Thinking as hard as I have about things I have no control over is hard work.

I should, in all honesty, write it all out in an epic email and send it. Crossing my fingers that I get a chance to talk about this all with him...

Sigh...

I wish there was some one that I could talk about all this with, but unfortunately everyone around me is to jaded to understand this and what it is and has always been...