I Want To Be More Like The Ocean

Sitting here this morning and well friends, some mornings the still and the quiet is fantastic. This morning not so much. This morning I feel out of place in my own life. Just out of nowhere, this quiet still is thick and oppressive and I don't know what to do with it. Just sitting here being. No talking...but no action either.

Nothing like the ocean.

Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earth-bound misfit, I

That is all. Drops mic. Walks off stage.

Kidding.

The line I used for the title could describe any of us really. As could this line from Pink Floyd's "Learning to Fly":

A soul in tension that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try

I know that I certainly relate to that sentiment lately. Full of potential, yet somehow not quite moving forward. This is not acceptable to me. It hasn't been but now it's really getting annoying. Just past the horizon, I can see a bright future but I seem to get hung up by things on the horizon, like change. I need to make some changes that are much more profound than my hair color or my Facebook cover.

I realize that divorce is not known to be a positive energy generator but I never imagined that it would be the Azkaban prison experience that it has been. I certainly tried to make the most of the Dementor's kiss. I set intentions that I would remain positive, that I would do this or do that or the other. I did well to hang onto that trajectory for a long time. Then, one day, I couldn't.

The disconnect between what I wanted out of my life and what my life resembled was overwhelming. I didn't think that I had given up but then I met a new friend at work a few months ago. The more I hang with her, the more I see where I let the darkness dim my shine. She's an intuitive sort of gal who has made me grin like the Cheshire cat when she says things in conversation that are so dead on but not avenues of me I have shared with her.

I will fly. I have to fly because grounded for life is no life at all.
 

Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And all the things that you do.

Confession. I don't even really like Coldplay. I wanted to because everyone was all "OMG Coldplay!" when they first hit. I may own a copy of "Rush of Blood to the Head" but I also probably haven't listened to it since I bought it. None of this is pertinent to why I am on this yellow jag today. I just sometimes like to throw out something superfluous for no reason at all.

One, it's utterly gloomy in Ohio. I haven't seen the sun in days so I have been trying to surround myself with brightness. I should probably replace every light in my house with a full spectrum bulb...or move to Arizona. Neither of which is feasible so here I am with a bright yellow gif.
 
Two, last night I was thinking about Charles Filmore's, "The Twelve Powers of Man." I have not read that book but a redux of sorts called ,"Your God Given Potential." Filmore's premise was that these twelve spiritual powers were perfectly expressed in Jesus and are present in every single one of us. Long story short, each power has a corresponding disciple, color, and physical area of manifestation, like chakras in the Eastern traditions. 

So, thinking about that led to me Googling a bunch of stuff about a BUNCH of stuff, which led to me researching the twelve powers concept of elimination and the solar plexus (or third) chakra. Yellow is the color that brings that chakra in to balance. I like yellow so hey, why not. 

Okay, so there I am this morning, thinking about yellow (among other things). One of those being the current challenges a friend of mine is going through which is where Coldplay queued up in my head. I haven't had the words to say. As the I went about my morning, I thought about the line I used as a title. I thought about a lot of songs about sunshine and stars. I dressed in all the yellow that I had and sent a message to my friend. 

Sometimes, it's not about the exact right words. It's just about being there.  Ecclesiastes 1:5 says,"The sun also rises, and the sun goes down, And hastens to the place where it arose." The sun is a star that shines for you...and all the things that you do but it may set briefly but the darkness does not last forever. You may weep during the night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5b Jenny's Memory Abridged Version). 

So my friends, how much does this song change for you if you imagine it through the lens of God singing it to you? It's something I like to do and it completely changes the lyrics,"Turn into something beautiful, Do you know, For you I'd bleed myself dry, For you I'd bleed myself dry."
 
The stars do indeed shine for you my friend. Be someone's sunshine today.

I met the devil and I stared her in the eyes Her hair had scales like silver serpents I a statue, stood there mesmerized

Long title. Sorry. I woke up this way. With this particular song swirling about me gulliver.

I met the devil. It was October of 2014. I set foot into my house after a grueling emergency trip to Charlotte. That moment is burned into my memory so deep that it truly haunts me. It's the reason that blonde woman of a certain unfortunate build and facial structure trigger anxiety in me. It's why I question her intelligence and the state of her soul. May God have mercy on it indeed.

I have learned some things in the past 24 hours that have me boldly praying for the truth in both lowercase and uppercase form to be brought to light. Everything from all sides of the street. I am not scared or worried about it because I have nothing to hide. It's about time that we all got set free. Not just free, but free indeed!

I've been convincing myself that I'm worthwhile Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be

I have spent too long accepting less than as a state of being. I have spent too long dwelling in the desert of this desertion. Broken people do shitty things. I get that. But I was thoroughly unprepared for the bending and breaking and relentless bullshit that I have endured over the course of the last three years. I am sick of unscrupulous people. I am sick of bad theology. I am sick of people twisting Truth into fiction so that they can justify their off base, off course actions.

But I am glad for stalkers...God would never send you a married man, honey. And he certainly isn't going to bless that union in any way, shape or form because God can not bless sin. I hope you both take your restraining orders off of Jesus.

As for me, I am dusting my feet off of the both of you. You are God's children, he can deal with you. I worth much more than the both of you threw me under the bus for and I do forgive you both. Now if you will excuse me I need to go jam out to Relient K and get on with my life.

But one last thing before I go, the relentless pursuit of your own freewill isn't freedom at all and one day I hope that everyone truly learns that lesson.

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

I remember a day when this song haunted me, like everywhere I went, every time I got into the car, everywhere some rendition was playing. It's a great story I will have to tell it to you sometime.


If I could bottle this up right now and keep it forever.

Tonight has been such a blessing. It is well, folks. I think I got my still back and thank God for that because I was starting to believe the lies and rumors about me. It is so well and I believe it will stay that way.

There is another version of this song on the Gaither VEVO page that is worth checking out for Wintley Phipps intro to it. I didn't share it here because I just wanted everyone to get straight into one of my favorite versions of this hymn.

Gangsters don't cry Therefore, therefore I'm Mr. Misty-eye, therefore I'm

Heavydirtysoul would have been a better title but I am trying to keep a theme here with my titles. What I wrote last night was really freeing to me, freeing like when you flush a toilet only to realize how profound your plumbing problems are really.

To those who feel it their duty to police the world and set everyone straight, why yes, I do realize that this blog is called "Kindness in Giving Creates Love." I titled it a long time ago, in a suburban neighborhood now seemingly so far away. Yes, I do realize how totally un-Christian my diabolical hatred of the other woman is, do you realize that your condemnation of me is also of the enemy? It's a thorn in my side and in the long run, it's between me and my God but I thank you for your concern. It is entirely possible that things do blindside people. I am not saying I am perfect but all y'all this applies to need to take the words and thoughts that I must have done something to deserve this straight out of your mouths. It's moments like this that make me think of that scene in Empire Records where Deb says to Joe,"You think you can fix me Joe? Go ahead fix me."

It is, of course, why this song is on me this morning. I want to sing this to so many people:

Can you save
Can you save my
Can you save my heavy dirty soul?
Can you save
Can you save my
Can you save my heavy dirty soul?
For me, for me, oh
Can you save my heavy dirty soul?
For me, for me, oh
Can you save my heavy dirty soul?

Not that I want anyone to save me. I am no damsel in distress. Just broken by the dumbasses that reside in this fallen world with me. I have a savior and I am working with Him for the restoration that my body, mind, soul and spirit need. I get tired of the other voices. The other perspectives. The irrelevant comments.

I keep thinking of Paul and the thorn in his side.

From 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

⁷ And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. ⁸ Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. ⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

His Grace is sufficient. If you are not getting, understanding that throughout this, in the thick of this, that God is the strength in my weakness then I really need to hone my skills. Yes, I immensely dislike the events of the past nearly three years. I hate that two peoples thoughtless actions caused so much destruction and devastation to me, my kids, my entire family and circle of friends. But none of it was a surprise to God and He was already ahead of the eight ball making ways for me that I could not have made myself. I maybe underplay the magnitude of the blessings that have come my way in the wake of my husband's infidelity.

I believe very much that the best is yet to come but I also know I have heaping piles of coal on my head that I need to, with God's guidance, contend with. I am who I am by the grace of God. Today that grace gave me this song. "This doesn't mean I lost my dream. It's just right now I got a really crazy mind to clean." I know that none of you can save my heavy dirty soul. I know the one that can, though, and I look forward to seeing His strength made perfect in my weakness(es).

Anger is an energy.

Just something I doodled a couple of months ago. 

Distractions keep getting in the way of my writing. Stupid distractions.

Don't let the blog title fool you, I am in mostly good spirits. It's just that I have had this song stuck in my head for the better part of the day and mostly because of the "anger is an energy" lyric. It's strange to me, too, that I was 11 when this song came out. How the hell does a little girl in rural Ohio fall in love with a song like this? I mean sure it was the heyday of WOXY out of Oxford but still.

Anger is an energy. That whole dark side of the Force, crazy monkey rage, loose cannon, seething, seeing red unpleasant energy. Anger is good in small measure and then there is the whole righteous anger like when you get mad at someone kicking a puppy or that damn friend of yours who keeps posting the videos of dudes kicking puppies in some sort of misguided activism. But it is an energy and the path of its trajectory can be quite a ride.

I have really come to terms over the past several days with the fact that I have this undying anger at the other woman. I can work through things in my mind with my husband, the collapse of our marriage, the bankruptcy, the two foreclosures, the pending divorce, my favorite hangout closing, and various other anger inducing experiences but I can not crack my emotions surrounding this so-called woman. I can not open my heart to forgive her or open my mouth and sound like anything less than a hardcore gangsta rapper born to Sam Kinison and Lisa Lampanelli.

It's eating my soul. It's so much more than just the obvious and so much more than I can write at this juncture. It seriously pains me that there are woman like her in the world. Not just because she's a  husband(expletive deleted) whore, but also because she bought hook, line and sinker whatever pile of  steaming malarky he was selling her and she didn't think twice about it. I personally would never enter a relationship with a married man, no matter what he told me the truth was. I always fact checked guys because we have this thing called the internet and public records and if he said he was divorced and I couldn't corroborate that I declined. I will never understand woman who are so hard up for a man that they do not so much as bat an eye or an iota of conscience when a married man crosses their path.

I am learning that healing from infidelity isn't easy. I trust very few people. My self-esteem is completely shot and most days really I am just faking it because I do know that I do have people who love and care about me that don't like to see me feeling less than. I am completely unsure of how to rebuild my life because I never expected to have to be starting from nearly scratch at 40. I try very hard to be positive to find silver linings. I have great cheerleaders who help me with that. But this anger...this anger is something I was unprepared for entirely.

Anger is an energy...an energy that I need to channel into something positive. I wish I liked running, I might consider taking it up as a release valve. I could write. I have contemplated various projects. The downside is that with anything that I wrote the whole "any similarities" thing would be a total lie. Probably shoots my comedy career in the foot as well. But until I get a spark of inspiration or divine revelation, I am just going to have to sing along with John and hope it autoplays into something even better.

May the road rise with you...