Kindness in Giving Creates Love,a blog of which the creator's brain is ninety percent song lyrics, wanders and ponders and rants through all of life's joys and pains.
Strictly for infotainment purposes, any enlightenment is purely coincidental.
If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope
I don't have much to say. Listenin' to Panic! at the Disco right now. The blog title is from "There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered Honey, You just Haven't Figured It Out Yet"
Wondering if I should call someone. I know they told me to call them, but I'm not sure it really a good idea. "Um, hi it's Jenny I'm just calling because you told me to call. I don't really have anything significant to say." I'm sure that would go over well. Not feelin' me makes it hard... to do a lot of things. I've got nothing to lose by calling. The question really is whether or not I want to be starting something.
I've got a whole lot of what ifs swimming in my head. Maybe I should just sleep on it. Or just pretend I made it all up. Yes, that could work! I made it all up.
I made it up to make me feel better. Not that it's helping... My resignation stands.
I'm tired. I don't even know why I am not in bed. Well, I was IMing with my new buddy. If I meet him in person, then he'll be a friend. He's a bit younger than me (read as 10 years). But other than that I should go to bed...
It turns out that most everyone I work with at Fraze thinks that I am in my early 20s. I don't think I look THAT young, but I'll take it.
Ah, Miss Murder by AFI is playing. I really dig this song.
Well, I didn't get the transfer :'(
Been really feeling down in general. I don't know why but I have a ton o' rage residing in me. Most of it's Rob related. It's quite an accomplishment that one person has triggered this much crazy 28 Days style monkey rage in me. I don't even want to think about him, but I find myself doing so. It sucks. I think it would be better if I felt like he was really sorry for the way he has made me feel. I don't believe that he is, and it's too late to change that. Plus, the other thing that's nagging at me is that I feel like I have to retreat from all I know because I don't want it to ever have to come up in casual conversation with people I meet that might also know him that I dated him.
Between him and Alice, I should probably just move to a new city. Or start dating the religious right, at least there I'm pretty sure I have a trillion degrees of separtation to deal with rather than this less than 2 I seem to have now.
I'm making baby steps in my dealing with my trust issues. I have a feeling though, it's going to end up being something I can't deal with on my own. Not to mention the fact that the last couple of boys I've dealt with not only had interest outside of me, but seemed to enjoy throwing it in my face. There was that whole Kerry/Brian thing before RobNRachel. I sincerely hope that he lifts his self-imposed ban on reading this blog, so that he knows that I really and truly don't ever wish to speak with him again. There is no way he read this blog like he said he did, because if he really did then he would have truly realized the impact that words etc would have had on me. First guy in a longtime to tell me he loved me, and didn't really mean it.
He'll argue otherwise. He's wrong. He seems to think that everything is excusable because he's always been a fuck-up. It's the one thing I wish I would have known in the beginning, because I would have never let myself get in so deep.
I'm trying hard not to think that people suck and boys suck, but the world's not giving me much to work with right now.
I just don't like feeling like this. World is beating me down hardcore lately. I want to believe that it will get better, but---
For those of you who haven't noticed, I've taken to song lyrics for blog titles. Today is from "Mona Lisa" by Slick Rick. heh, I could take this time to tell of how I am thinking of living my life by the lyrics of "Treat Her Like a Prostitute" ...
"There's girlies out here that seem appealing
But they all come in your life and cold hurt your feelings
I'm telling you as rick is my name
I wouldn't trust a girl unless she feels the same
Treat em like a prostitute (do what? )
Dont treat no girlie well until youre sure of the scoop
'cause all they do is they hurt and trample"
Hmm, makes me seem kind of bitter. Yikes! I'm finding it hard to move into a relationship right now. It just seems that I attract the sorta guy who has no qualms about lying to me. I can't put my trust in another person, because it just seems like it ends up the same. I'm working on it, but it's quite difficult. I'm never gonna know unless I take the step, but I am terrified of taking the step because I can't go through that again. I've been handed enough pain for two lifetimes, I'm not keen on making it three.
The first official day in the new office will remain unspoken, much like the day of the move. I think I am going to work on a CD for work. "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys will definately be on it. How do you not give the new deposit slips to the person who needs them? It's funny how they were misplaced until I emailed our accountant about it. Tomorrow, it'll be something else....
So my office had it's big moving day today. It was horrible and awful and venting about it just makes me wants smash heads together.
I don't know if I had mentioned it, but I applied for a transfer to the Finance Department. I now have an interview with the Finance Department on Tuesday. I can't see any reason they wouldn't pick me. We'll see I guess. Keep your fingers crossed.
Despite the atrocities of moving and the world in general, I am please to report the rediscovery of my happy place. Funny how that works sometimes, now if I can just get a decent night of rest I'll be in business.
Speaking of which, I'm off. I worked almost 12 hours on 5 hours sleep. I'm gonna watch "Son-in-Law" and doze off and I don't care who knows it.
Oh wait... I watched parts of "The Filth and the Fury" last night. It disproves certain theories people have about me and a love of bassist since Sid was the Sex Pistols bassist and well, he's never really captivated me. Anyhow, something about watching that made me feel better about me. I forget sometimes that a lot of people put on a lot of show and in that show they convince themselves that they are the real deal. All of this despite the fact that they are totally missing the point. My generation is full of that. Wannabe punks wrapped in consumer gluttony compliments of Hot Topic who wouldn't know anarchy or subversion if it bit them in the ass of their mass produced bondage pants. I told someone once that I felt like Manic Panic usage over the age of 25, is not a suitable replacement for a personality. People who are so busy trying to be a "type" that they've become nobodies.
I dunno, I guess my ruminations just made me realize that in this little act of being me...I've got a lot to offer. AND I really should expect more from the people in my life. There are no discernable types in my past lovers, no clear slant to my friends except for that they dig me.
Whoohaa! I have been called to report for jury duty! I am thoroughly excited at this news. It helps that my company pays us for jury duty. I'm hoping I get seated. Anything to get out of this moving fiasco at the office.
Hmm, no new news really. Yeah, life's been kinda bleh these past few days. My sleep has eroded to the point that on some days my eyes hurt and the circles resemble shiners more than sleepless rings.
It's all stress. Not much I can do 'bout but ride it out. It's hard some days. The onus of life weighing down on me. People 'round me though seem to throw gems that resemble life preservers from time to time. I love that when people say something off the cuff, and don't realize the profoundness of what they are saying to me. Seems to happen just when I really need it, too. It's bizarre, but I'll take it.
I can't date yet. Not ready, no prospects, and waiting for something that isn't going to drain my soul and my pocketbook. Ok, there maybe prospects but I'm pretending they don't exist.