Faulty Adapter...story of my life

My apologies for not getting those new post up before Valentine's Day. I am waiting for a replacement adapter for my laptop. Don't really know what went wrong with it, but thankfully it is still under warranty.

It's mostly pointless now.

I am noticing a theme here.

According to the calendar over my sink, it is "Random Acts of Kindness" week. Probably won't be doing anything there, as I am not feeling kind or any synonym thereof. Besides, I wouldn't know what to do for anyone anyway. Being kind and generous hasn't done anything for me so far, so I think stopping would be the most logical solution.

I do sort of think that this faulty adapter issue is the story of my life. I never fit in anywhere, no matter how much I tried or didn't. Anyway...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Behold the power of...

I bet you thought I was going to say cheese. While I don't begrudge cheese its power, I was thinking of something else. I don't know whether to say prayer or faith or spirituality but it's one or all of those things on my mind lately. Although, I could go for some good cheese...

I feel really disorganized. I intend to work on that this week to get back to posting those giving opportunities like I was doing. I have a few of them, I just haven't checked them out yet. Envision me lighting a fire under myself because a few of them are timely (read: Valentine's).

I have really been beneath a seemingly unshakable dark cloud lately. It is an interesting place to be. It's not unhappiness, it's fear and isolation and this repeating pattern of never seeming to be able to make the right connection at the right time. My anxiety has kicked in to a gear that I thought I'd burned out long ago. I wonder sometimes if I am even capable of experiencing certain things.Then, I get this email that says that anxiety and fear are basically character defects I haven't faced, so god help me because I can't possibly be this defective.

I have been reluctant to share my feelings because I don't need scripture thrown at me, nor do I need to hear the wisdom of Oprah's flavor of the month. And much worse, I don't need to have it all thrown back in my face with the incredulous responses questioning how I could possibly have an iota of stress because I do not work outside the home. It is hardly a life of leisure though, and unlike my counterparts of days gone by I do not expect my husband to magically fix and maintain everything on his own while I sit back obliviously.

I have a stack of books next to my bed that I had hoped would help gain insight. The top of that stack is my Bible. Surprised? You shouldn't be, I have long enjoyed the Bible and all it's intricacies. Anyway, I don't want to keep spinning my wheels. I am low on patience and I don't really know anyone who shares some of my outlooks on life. Books always seem a good source, and you would think between the daily readers and the full length dissertation and my obsession with the wisdom books that I would be more nonplussed.

Pfffft. Double Pfffffft.

So then there is prayer. I do pray. I have been told I pray "wrong" before. I don't mind if any one else in the world prays for me. I do mind when they pray to exert their will over me, rather for me to have's God will revealed to me. I wonder about the validity of prayer lately. It's that whole openendness of when your prayers don't manifest the way you would like them to or at all. I have nothing left to believe in those cases except that God hates me.

To say that my faith is wavering is an understatement. I am not ashamed to say that. I feel like a spiritual Wylie Coyote. I let go to let God and found myself slammed into the side of a cliff. Meanwhile, a bunch o' Roadrunners are beep-beeping past me unscathed and expecting me to just be okay.

I am not okay. I thought I was. I am frustrated. I am sad. I don't know what the point of opening up is, because it's always met with the same resistance. I know I am not like other people, I never have been. I have a much deeper understanding of God than most would probably ever give me credit for, and whatever isn't in alignment right now, it eludes me. If I am supposed to learn something, I am missing it. If I am supposed to do something, I haven't figured it out.

I don't really know what else to say, but bear with me. I will will post some good giving goodies either later tonight or tomorrow. I will try to focus on good things for you my friends.

I love you all, and thanks for putting up with me.

Seven Songs for a Monday Meltdown

These are in no particular order, at least, I don't think they are :)

1. NeverShoutNever-Sacreligious
 If you've never met Christopher Drew, you most likely do not have a teenaged girl in your life. The first time I heard this is I was pleasantly surprised because it did not take the turn that I thought it would. The song is penned by Mr.Drew in response to his having been kicked out of church at age 16. I used to feel that same way a lot. I don't anymore. It's a nice feeling.



2. Cowboy Mouth - Jenny Says Some day, I will seriously work on my compilation of songs with my name in them and this song will be high on the list. On a day like today it is nice to be reminded to "Let it go, let it go, let it go!"


3.Spoon - Got Nuffin
I like Spoon. Is there any other reason needed?


4. JJ Fad - SupersonicWhy? Because you haven't heard this song in ages. If you are of a certain age, then this song makes smile. I see you bopping your head and remembering those simpler times at the skating rink already. If not, sorry maybe next time.



5. Rickie Byars Beckwith with the Gateway to Agape Choir- We Let It Be
This a recording of a rehearsal.  There are more dynamic versions on CD and that have been performed by others but this is still every bit as calming and beautiful. The Balls of Fire Gospel Choir at Unity of Dayton performed this a few months back. I hadn't heard it before then, but since I've probably burned it permanently into my soul.


6. Smosh - Firetruck
My daughter shared this with me the other day and I have it stuck in my head. Complete silliness comes in handy during a meltdown.


7. Quiet Riot- Bang Your Head
Why? Why after such a lovely list would I pick this song as my number seven song for a Monday meltdown? Distractions and stress management are fine but sometimes the best course of action is to feel your feelings. You'll feel better for it in the long run to admit that there is an issue that to try and stuff it down. I know not everyone likes metal, but lemme tell you it can be very therapeutic.


Today has felt like a consortium of Jenny haters have gathered to stick Voodoo dolls of me while they sit around my burning effigy campfire and chant incantations intended to firetruck me up. There are a few specific things, but I am trying not to dwell on them. I can't pretend I understand anything about my life anymore. I don't have any profound insights or gems of wisdom or nuggets of truth to share with anyone these days. But I've got a vast, eclectic and ever growing music catalog in my heads and maybe that is enough to keep me from going completely crazy.

Who knows anymore!

On authenticity and dirty feet

I am sitting here biding my time before we pick up my bro and head to the matinee hockey game.

Yesterday, at church we discussed the second commitment which is based on the second commandment. The commandment is Exodus 20:4, Thou shalt not make unto the a graven image. The commitment is to authenticity and living and behaving in a way that is in line with your core values.

A timely piece of the lesson was the mentioning of Mark 6:11: And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, leave that place and shake the dust off your feet as a testimony against them. If you are you which is all you can be, and people can not or will not accept you, then move on. Don't waste time trying to be everything to everyone because ultimately, it's yourself and your goodness that you lose. 

Flash ahead to our late night Caribou run. We were listening to the Allen Hunt show, and one of the topics of discussion was about friends and people's disbelief at his stating that he had seven good friends that he could count on. The impetus for this a sad story of a woman who posted on her Facebook status that she was going to kill herself and not a single person who read it reached out to help her. 


What does one have to do with the other? I would have to say that I do not have many friends. Even more so since when Allen Hunt was talking about the ways he could rely on his friends, I can't say that I have people outside of my husband, a couple of family members, and an old friend who can be counted on in the same way. We have tried to reach out and make connections, but always with such resistance. You would think we were asking people to come club seal pups or something. So, when I heard Jesus' advice, it really resonated with me. I'm a good person, as is my husband and our children, and we individually and collectively have a lot to share and this right here is me dusting my feet of all those people for whom we are not worthy. 


I have for sometime contemplated taking my FB down to people who would actually give a damn. It would probably be a short list, and I am okay with that because I have always felt that life should be about quality and not quantity. Ironically, in many aspects I do have both. 

To be yourself

in a world

that is constantly

trying to make you 

something else

is the greatest

accomplishment.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

With a little help from our friends...

Today, I have been made aware of a site called IndieGoGo. A friend of mine is trying to raise some money to buy a chair to expand her massage business. Much like a public broadcasting campaign, you can choose a little something at each level or you can just give without getting anything.

Check it out:  IndieGoGo: Red Lotus Massage

More sleeping...

And if tonight my soul may find her peace
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.
~D.H. Lawrence

This sleeping idea is on my mind a lot lately. Literally, because of my own lack of sleep. My son's new habit of rising early and running and gunning full steam without a nap coupled with what seems to be a screwed up sleep cycle is really taking a toll.

Last night, I had the strangest dream. Well, most of them these days are strange and somewhat disturbing but upon waking I have very little recall of the specifics. Last night though, I dreamt about the church I grew up in and visiting there as an adult. The outside was the Market Street building, but inside it was something in line with the Crystal Cathedral of Hour of Power fame. I had to wade through people to find a seat in the back. I recognized so many people and no one recognized me. It was interesting because it wasn't just people who would have been adults when I was a kid that I recognized but also my peers. No one really paid attention to me until I happened to notice fire shooting out of a vent. Someone was able to douse it with water and put it out and everyone got out safely BUT the fire roared up again and the whole place burned down. People were trying to call 911 but no one was successful. Weird, weird stuff...I have my suspicions what it all means but feel free to add your own interpretations. 

I have been scrubbing leads all morning. It's oddly fascinating work...compiling and paring down a list of prospects based on certain criteria. It will be even more fascinating work when things start closing! I should have pursued some sort of research position when I was younger. I really have a sick love of data and inference. Couple that with my penchant for remembering things, and I should have have the internet memorized in the next couple of months. 

I heard this morning that something like 69% of the country got hit with snow earlier this week. I personally love snow. For me, it is peaceful and exhilarating at the same time. I don't know about you, but in this house when the weather kills our motivation for going out our movie watching increases. I have been thinking about the Guy Ritchie movie Revolver a lot over the past week or two. I can't really tell you why without giving away a lot of the plot. Here's the trailer:

 

I would have never thought that I would have liked it, but I do. I really do. Check it out if you get a chance, you may find you like it too!