If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Monday, November 28, 2005

Monday, Monday...

Sorry I couldn't come up with anything more creative than that today. I just can't find the mood.

I need to work at least three hours of overtime this pay period to make up for what I was short last pay period. Although, I have to find the motivation to make that happen. I just really don't care about Christmas or paying my bills or having any hope that anything is ever going to be better than it is.

I  had thought that Jordan was not going to be participating in Boar's Head (www.gbgm-umc.org/gracedayton/look.html)  this year. I was really looking forward to doing something else. We have tickets for Blacklight Christmas on Saturday and I had been loosely planning making a day of it, but now it's all shot. Rehearsal and 2 shows on Sunday. Rushing around being stuck doing things I don't want to do with people I don't want to be with and being generally aggrieved.

Speaking of... I seem to be a bit of a black sheep for not going Saturday night to Rubi Girls. They'll get over it, I know I have. In the past I have been very social with my co-workers, but I just can't get into it with these people. There are certain people I work with that I routinely want to beat silly as a matter of principle, so it seems to me that mixing that with alcohol would not be a good idea.

This day seems to be dragging on forever. I wish it was time to go to the bank so I could get the hell out of here for a little while.

A2 works at the bank. Makes it worth it even though we all know I'll never ask him out or anything. Just stare and fantasize.

Sadly sometimes that's more than enough...

Sunday, November 27, 2005

I keep thinking I might wake up...

Feeling a bit like I should say something, but I have nothing to say.

The mood is extremely pensive today. Pondering all the same things I always do and then some.

Pensive and melancholy and tired...

Maybe tomorrow will be better...

Walking in big girl shoes...


I bought these shoes a couple of weeks ago, because well they are freakin' cute and they look great. They sat on display in my bedroom because I didn't think I'd ever  wear them since I don't seem to have occasion to wear fun stuff lately.

I wore them today because damn it cute shoes need worn.

I wore them because being practical gets really old really quick.

I wore them because I wanted people to look at me.

I went to Stiching Post with Lynn in them. I went to CD Connection and Half Price Books. And by god, people looked.

I also went to the Trolley Stop. The good ol' Trolley with it's look and no touch. I'm pretty sure that my Boston's curse transferred over there. Alas, a story for another day.

It was an okay day because I wore the shoes. I told Lynn that I was going to pretend that I was a rock star today, because it's way more fun that being a biller. I like wearing the shoes.

It actually started out kinda, no really not so great, but I managed to turn it all around.

Never made to the Rubi Girls with the people from work, because well, I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I am getting really tired of feeling like I am working on everyone else's time. I want to do what I want to do. More so on days when my family totally disregards my feelings like they did today. I'm too tired to get into it tonight. Proof of the power of the shoes I guess.

It was nice to feel like I had a life today. It was unfortunate that my daughter wasn't at all involved. I'd say it felt like I lost her, but honestly I don't think I ever really had her. I was just in a better financial position to compete, I guess. No one's ever really listening there though, so I'm just going to quit talking.

I just have to make sure I can't break whatever is in kicking distance.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Wax off forever


Pat Morita



And sometimes I write...

...but I never share so I think that needs to change too. After a long, dry spell I seem to be spitting out things again. It's funny to me what sort of things can pull me out of a block. This time it was getting a dinner date canceled on account of he supposedly had a meeting at work. Anywho, might as well put 'em out instead of hiding them in my plethora of notebooks.
What you are all missing,
In your insular pursuit
Is the true beauty.
For no matter how successfully
I pull off the illusion of hot,
No matter how luminous I may appear
Going through the motions
Of yet another trite encounter.
It pails in comparison
To the me you never bother
To try to see.
I am a trillion times prettier,
Sunday morning,
Indian tunic, faded denim capris,
Hair akimbo, sorting laundry.
The sleep still clinging to my eyes.
What you are all missing
Is me.
You've got it all wrong
I've never known you enough
For this to be an obession
Just another ill-timed crush
Another maybe gone wrong
The night we met was amazing,
So much happening without trying.
But so much that could never be.
I hear though, things have changed.
I hear perhaps there is a remote chance
That I could get to know you more.
But the way people talk,
I think I should make it clear.
I don't want to be your Yoko.
I am much more the Mountain Girl type
Or a Kathleen Brennan or
Sharon Fucking Osborne for christ sake.
If I can get you to understand
Then, yes, this is a chance
I am more than willing to take.
And one more before I go :)
I keep hearing this thing about my heart
About following it
About opening it
About holding it
But it isn't as feasible as it seems
Other people
Other places
Other considerations
There is always something in the way
Follow it
Follow it
Follow it
Ignore the voices whispering in my head
Open it
Open it
Open it
Never knowing will always be worse than never trying
Hold it
Hold it
Hold it
Just don't forget what's important
Follow it
Open it
Hold it
In the end, everything is as it is supposed to be.

Black Friday

I was going to work today, so that I could get my hours in because nothing sucks more than a short check at Christmastime. I got up a little before seven and the lights and TV were on in the living room because Jordan fell asleep that way probably not long before I got up. Anyhow, when I went to turn off the TV the weather was on, and Mr. Steve Prinzivalli said that it was 11 degrees. So I didn't go to work. I work way too hard for that place anyway, and there are more important things I could be doing today.

I hate my job. I try not to, I really do but it's just so damn hard. I hate being stuck in my cell all day. It's really more of a sensory deprivation chamber, so it's no wonder I'm bordering on not quite sane anymore. I hate the politics. I hate the whining. I hate being the only one who seems to know what is going on some days. I hate that since I took this job I have ended up in a horribly tight financial situation, uh, because well, I got screwed. Really screwed. Actually, I could have had PTO left for today had I not been so, so, so treated so poorly. Neither here nor there, though.

I have had a request which is rather appropriate as I am talking about work... my resume. Not my real one, but the one I wrote when I was really frustrated with my job search. This resume has actually had more hits then all of my serious resumes combined. And actually, I need to update it, because I need to add my new job and all the bitterness and cynacism that it has filled me with.
Resume Headline: Save me from this quagmire of despair

OBJECTIVE: To find a job that does not suck; to look forward to going into work every morning; to stop wondering if all that money I spent on college wouldn't have been better invested in restoring classic muscle cars or starting an Ebay empire from home.
EXPERIENCE: 10/2001 - Present Physicians Advisory Group Moraine, Ohio
Patient Account Representative

Audit patient accounts in an effort to increase collection activity; Updated patient and guarantor information using hospital database, medifax, and collection agency resources; Contacted insurance companies regarding status of unpaid claims; Contacted guarantors via telephone and/or letter to rectify insurance issues, set up payment arrangements, or other account issues; Process charges and post payments from guarantors and insurance companies; arbitrating inter office quarrels and gossip; first hand experience with what Dante was referring to in the Inferno; Contemplating how I could ended being worse off that before I got my degree; Involuntarily subjected to extreme fanatical religious movements, severe psychosis, and nauseating jingoism; manipulating my production to allow for excessive tardiness, unauthorized breaks, and no less than 17 personal calls a day

8/1996 - 4/2000 Vernon F Glaser & Associates Kettering, Ohio
Team Leader

Coordinated daily input for eight client accounts comprising pediatrics, family practice and physical therapy; Prioritized work load for team in order to ensure timely submission of claims and accurate patient statements; Posted client receipts of insurance and/or patient payments; Processed charges from patient superbills; Filing duplicate explanation of benefits for secondary insurance billings; Provided continuing direct training and support for three team members; Analyzed accounts receivable activity for client accounts and initiated account research and/or collection action as needed; Called insurance companies regarding unpaid claims; Researched returned mail; Attempted to contact guarantors; Served as customer service liaison between our clients and their patients; Created financial spreadsheets to facilitate in fee schedule analysis; Collected and clarified regulatory data from HCFA, Medicare, Medicaid and other third party payors in order to maintain compliance in billing procedures; Responsible for checking subordinates work; Helped co-workers reconcile batch errors due to computation problems, double postings, etc; and a whole bunch of other very useful things that no one ever seems to care about or believe that I did, because they have no concept of medical billing operations; starting incendiary rumors; photocopying body parts and faxing them to the most important clients, usually seconds after one of my reps insults their office staff; making calico beans for every freaking carry-in we ever had because, well, people liked them; ordering endless merchandise from schlocky catalogs aimed at thrifty office clerks

5/1996 - 8/1996 Germantown Drive-thru Germantown, Ohio
Sales Clerk

Fetching beer for rednecks while scantly clad and unusually flirtatious to ensure customer satisfaction and heavy tipping; Memorizing everyone's preferences and greeting them with a six pack of ice cold Bud longnecks, Mikesells Flaming Hot chips, and a pack of Winstons; listening to Jimmy prattle on; Making sure Jimmy's wife thought he just left with a gallon of milk; Informing Jimmy that his wife called again; Laughing manically at all the kids I went to school with being buddy buddy with me just because I had the power to pretend that they were of age

9/1994 - 6/1995 Otterbein College Westerville, Ohio
Costume Shop Assistant

Work-study position in theatre department, usually involved menial sewing task while listening to show tunes and catching up on departmental gossip.

7/1994 - 9/1994 meijer Dayton, Ohio

It's Meijer for Christ Sake, no one does any work at Meijer!!!

EDUCATION: Otterbein College US-Ohio-Westerville
Some College Coursework Completed
BFA, Theatre Design/Technology major. Ah, I have such wistful memories of Otterbein, and then there are the things my friends told me I did.

6/2001 Wright State University US-OH-Dayton
Bachelor's Degree

*Relevant Coursework
Sinclair-Principles of Accounting I,II & III, Introduction to Computer Concepts, MS Office, PC Applications in Business, Interpersonal Communications, Effective Speaking I, Personal Ethics, Principles of Management, Management and Organizational Behavior, Marketing I & II, Business Law I & II

Wright State-Business Finance I & II, Personal Finance, Risk & Insurance, Income Tax Accounting I, Business Integrity, Real Estate Principles, Real Money Investing, Retirement Planning & Employee Benefits, Estate Planning, Personal Selling & Sales Management, Real Estate Finance, Seminar in Financial Planning, Practicum in Financial Planning, Marketing Management Lab, Business Writing, Managing Technology & Environment, Strategic Management &Organizational Behavior, Public Policy in the Business Environment
*GPA 3.139
*Graduating from Wright State University completes educational component required to sit for the CFP exam.

Wow, aren't you impressed, all dressed up and no place to go.

3/2000 Sinclair Community College US-OH-Dayton
Associate Degree
Associate of Science, Business Administration

High school was actually harder than most of the classes that I had here.

6/1994 Valley View High School US-OH-Germantown
High School or equivalent

Small rural school where flannel and John Deere caps are always in style. I've blocked most of that out, thank god!

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: What information really is relevant? I mean, have you ever noticed all the things they tell you not to mention? Do not include anything that reveals age, sex, religion, creed (yeah, I don't think I would mention I liked creed either), marital status, sexual orientation (I must have been absent that day), handicap, religion, boxers, briefs, or penchant for anime. So that pretty much encompasses everything, techically I probably shouldn't even put my name on my resumes or applications because that reveals sex.

Other information? Like it matters, all anyone is really looking for is the most cost effective breathing organism that they can find to fill a desk. If intelligence, knowledge, enthusiasm, or any of that really mattered, then I would have my dream job and I wouldn't be blowing off steam posting all of this.

Desired Salary/Wage: 30,000.00 USD Per Year
Current Career Level: Experienced (Non-Manager)
Years of relevant work experience: 7+ to 10 Years
Date of Availability: From 1 to 3 months
Work Status: US - I am authorized to work in this country for any employer.
Active Security Clearance: No
Target Job: Target Job Title: Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy
Alternate Target Job Title: Anything that leads to mgmt and four weeks vacation
Desired Job Type: EmployeeInternTemporary/Contract/Project
Desired Status: Full-TimePart-Time
Site Location: No Preference
Description of my perfect job: HavingspentthepastseveralyrsinhlthcareA/R,Ibelieveanaturalprogressionwldbeinsclaimsadjudication.However,Ihaveyettoconvinceanycarrier(&UknowwhoUare,havingme driveallovrhell'shalfacre&gettingmyhopesup)ofthisfact.DespiteadegreeinFinSvcs,Ihavenointrstinconvincingpeoplethattheyneed transcendentalafterlifepolicies.Mtg bankingintrstme,butsodoeshavingalife outsideoftheofc.Whatwldbe niceistofindapositionwhereIampdwhatIamworth&myintellect,wit,sarcasm,&abilitytobrewcoffeecanbeappreciated.

Target Company: Company Size: No Preference
Category: Other
My ideal company is: What really sucks about Monster is that you can only have one company category. Very few people are so 1-D that that they can't transfer there skills from Waffle House to Chili's. Geesh! Again, ideal company=no soul sucking suckage.

Well, with that I am off. I have family stuff tonight, and tomorrow I am supposed to be going to see the Rubi Girls at Celebrity with the people I work with. I'm kinda thinking that maybe I should go to the Trolley tomorrow night, too. A1 hangs at the Trolley, and even if he didn't anyone who hits on me at the Rubi Girls probably doesn't have the accessories that I am interested in anyway. I'm going to clean, well, at least that's the plan.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

This is a test....

This is just a test of my ability to understand technology. Had it been an actually blog, it would have been way more interesting.

Drop a heart, break a name
We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team

We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it
"sugar, we're going down"
fall out boy

Happy Thanksgiving! Well, not that I am completely sure what exactly is happy about it. When I started this I had fully intended to keep up with it, bitch and whine and ponder and cry and laugh on a regular basis, but things get in the way. So much crap, so little Valium. :oP

When last I left the story, I had just broke up with my fancy pants rock 'n roll radio boyfriend. Live and learn, live and learn I guess. Although, should I ever date another Clear Channel Radio employee then I would suppose it is true what they say about once you go hack.

The boyfriend front has been pretty quiet since then. Okay, maybe not quiet but definately lame as hell and frustrating. It does nothing for my self -esteem lately that only desparate psychos seem to want to hook up with me. It doesn't help the cause any either that I am sort of bent on not wasting my time chasing boys.

I've been like that a lot lately. Housecleaning my soul or dejunking my karma or just plain not putting up with people's shit. Lord knows, that people are overflowing with that. It's been a pretty good experience except it isn't getting exactly the result that I want.Damn I want to be happy again. I want to stop wondering what the hell is wrong with me, and why it seems like I am stuck.

I realized that ironically both of my current crushes are named Adam. Ah, a tale of two Adams. Not that anything is going to happen with either of them...

When I first met Adam1 (A1) he was unavailable for dating, which was more than a little disappointing. Smoking hot and easy to talk to what more could I want? Well, not attached would have been good but I moved on. I didn't forget about him, I just chalked it up to things that aren't meant to be. Then suddenly a few weeks ago magic fairies whispered that he just might be single. Ack! How cool is that? No, no, no, has to be a lie. Vicious rumor. So, after a couple of days of trying to ignore that tidbit of info and a few totally neurotic conversations with friends I decided to just be cool and innocently email him. Oh, but then I got up the next morning and decided that email was too open ended. He had told me where he worked, and I had been in there a million times since I met him but he was NEVER there and so I figured that I should just go there and prove to myself that it's all nothing. Just me being silly and girly, but that totally backfired since I walked in and there he was!

Adam2 (A2) is a business associate of sorts. Attractive, smart, just a nice guy that I see fairly often. Ah, but mixing business with pleasure isn't always good. For what it's worth, I think he would be a safe bet. I don't mean that in any bitchy sort of way. Just a fact, I think A2 has far less heartbreak potential than A1.

Adam1 is truly someone that I would like to get to know, but I haven't a clue how to go about it all. We're both busy people. We both work. I've got a kid. He's got a band. And you know, I'd really like to set myself apart from you know the other girls. I just wish I knew how. I just wish something would happen that wasn't initated or orchestrated by moi.

Who am I kidding? It's probably going to go nowhere,but I'm open to suggestions...