If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

...or does it explode...

I am not sure what has me thinking of the Langston Hughes poem "Harlem" this morning. Well, not entirely. I mean here we are December 16, 2014, the year is winding down and we are all like kittens ready to pounce on a new ball of yarn and hopeful that 2015 will bring less tangles and more unabashed fun and fortune. I am no different.

I'd like to put the last roughly 390 days of my life through a sifter and shake out all the ickiness, keeping the loveliness and working toward being a better version of me going forward. Not that the ickiness is entirely bad per se. I have grown this year in ways that I never thought imaginable and regret that God had to get my attention that way that He did.

I still believe. I believe that God has great things in store for me and my family. I believe that he has ever so much more than we could ask for or imagine right around the corner. I believe that he does in fact wish to prosper Ryan, Jordan, Wesley and myself and not to harm us. I believe that the best, the absolute best, is yet to come.

I heard a sermon recently about transition and I really liked what was said about the pain of transition. It's like you are a caterpillar. You know you can't crawl anymore but you are not quite ready to fly. That's a lot how I feel right now. Believing that breakthrough is right around the corner BUT not everything is in alignment so I wait, dragging myself along on my little caterpillar feet dreaming about the wings I am going to have when I finally bust out of this God-tight cocoon. And for anyone who just read that and said to themselves, Um, Jen, if you are in a cocoon, you can't be crawling around if you're in a cocoon...I am going to throw an extra prayer up for you. Stop getting in the way of your own blessing with limited thinking.

I have experienced shades of black in the last 390 days of my life that I didn't know existed...and I have taken college level art classes! But by the grace of God, I woke up this morning in my beautiful house with my two beautiful kids with breakfast to serve and coffee to drink and car to drive the boy to school in and ever so much more than other people have and I am blessed to have been so well provided for by God these past 390 days. Some day, I am going to write it all out to share. All the ways that God has taken these shades of black and filled them with vibrant, living color. Blessed and favored...but not without struggle, not without worry, not without some days of completely spastic angst and a steady stream of F-bombs in my internal (and sometimes external) monologue. I have chosen to believe that God can and will restore everything in my life that needs to be restored. I have chosen to believe that God will fight for me and that he will deliver me and my family. I have chosen to believe that there is nothing that is impossible with Him.

I don't know about you but I intend to spend the next 14 days getting myself into a super spring-loaded position so that I can explode out of the starting block into 2015 that makes every tear, every sorrow, every confusion, all the grief, all the loss, all the stupidity, all the anger, all the everything that seems like every imaginable plague has befallen me all at once, suddenly seem insignificant in the glow of what it all unfolded into.

Explosions are messy but it beats imploding and sinking and living in despair.

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