If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Friday, January 25, 2013

Frozen Frustration Friday

Ha ha! Like that I just made it up. I was going to take picture of the view from where I am sitting but with my camera it doesn't look as cool, so I just opened the door and snapped my front porch.

The snow only bothers me me if I have to drive. Well, if I have to drive a car I have not previously driven in the snow. I may take my daughter's car (aka my old car) out later because at least I know how it reacts. I only had to drive less than a mile round trip to drop my son off and it was enough for me to decide that I didn't want to drive in it anymore. I do sort of regret that because all my errands were within a mile. Gas. Track. Arrow.

The snow is the least of my frustrations. I tried to get him scheduled for daycare next week and I can't get Thursday. I am sure I can get coverage elsewhere, but it pains me greatly to have to rely on that source. I am more and more unimpressed with our preschool/daycare situation. Ask me sometime about the no pick up during naps policy if you really want to get me going. Or how unnecessary I think certain people's attitudes are. I mean if your personality can only be described with words I am not going to post here, then maybe you should reconsider being in a position where you have to deal with people.

I was already kinda frustrated with that job being pushed back a week, and then I get a call this morning that the start time for Monday has changed but they don't know if it's changed for the whole week. It would be preferable to have a "real" job instead of this totally expendable temp BS. I apply. I apply. I apply. I interview. I interview. I interview. No one hires me. We need money. What else am I supposed to do?

I am like an iceberg anymore. What you see, what I share, it's just the tip of this big frozen mass I have become. Letting it go and whatnot is not so easy when it just seems like nothing ever changes for the positive. There's all these little dark spots, some of them I don't have the first clue how to make bright.

It's kind of hard to believe that I woke up in a great mood and now I just feel like crying...or walking to Arrow to spend this gift card that's burning a hole in my wallet for lunch. (Just for the record, they do have food at Arrow, a whole deli as a matter of fact, so don't start an intervention yet.) Shrug, maybe I'll just throw the one-hour reggae meditation on my iPod and run a few small errands before I need to be anywhere.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I can do all things, I can do all things: Or weird things you sing when the walls are caving...literally.

Ok, not the walls, it was the ceiling. We had a pipe bust today. It's amazing that one little crack can cause so much damage. The picture at right was taken before the second collapse. If you can see the crack off the hole, then you can imagine how large the hole in my dining room is right now.

It was a crazy frenetic time. I didn't realize what had happened at first. I thought that it had thawed as it usually does after a morning of people getting ready and some ambient heat. I should back up, our upstairs bathroom had frozen pipes. It's happened before. I wasn't really worried about it. It has happened before and it's worked itself out. Well, with my gentle nudging. I guess it's just too cold out right now for the tricks to work. As I type this it is 13 degrees with a windchill of 1, and it will probably get colder through the night.

Before any of the sky fell I just had tributaries of brown water leaking through the ceiling and drops all along the door jamb. At some point, the hall light was completely filled with brown water and it was trickling down. All this time, I was trying to do 100 things at once. Calling my hubby. Looking unsuccessfully for our main valve. Turning off breakers. Freezing my ass off. Losing my shoes. Forgetting what I was doing. Dumping tubs of water. Finding towels. Swearing excessively.

At some point, while in our garage, freezing, working for some sort of progress and being thwarted by bikes and a myriad of other things that I had arrange there for storage. I realized that I was in some what of a full freak out mode and it was impeding the progress that I wanted. Deep breath. I can do all things. I can do all things. I can do all things. I was singing it. It became a sort of mantra while I zipped around trying to figure out where the hell the shutoff was, dumping tubs of water, grabbing towels, talking with my husband on the phone. 

Well, that little song and thinking about those Allstate "Mayhem" commercials were probably what helped me not completely lose my mind. Oh, I am not gonna lie and say I didn't break down and cry at some point. I did...when the second chunk of ceiling fell. It's traumatic when it's happening. You don't know the extent of damage. You don't know how much it's going to cost to fix it. You just know that this is not the day you were having, and it certainly wasn't how you planned your afternoon.

Up to that point, I was having a fabulous day. I had worked out after my father-in-law picked up my son for their fun day. I worked on some journalling that was burning a hole in my heart. I planned a dinner for my hubby. Made an awesome lunch for myself. Was working on making chicken broth with plans to do the dishes, clean the kitchen, hit the store, and make a delicious little Asian dish for my hubby before I met my mom for dinner. I actually was feeling better than I have in awhile. Then....

Sigh. It's been an upsetting day, yes. Double-check. Underline. It's been a good day. What? Yes, it's been a good day. I got my workout in. I got some things off my chest and into the hands of someone who can take care of them waaay better than I can. I made 4 quarts of delicious broth. My husband had a friend who cared enough to come help me get the water shut off. My husband got to come in the middle of the afternoon. My daughter made me laugh with her whiny comment about the microwave and internet are the only things that keep her alive. (I turned off power to that part of the house because I wasn't so sure the water coming through the hall light wasn't going to do some sort of damage.) My daughter's boyfriend made me laugh harder when he followed up her melodrama with ,"Ma'am, ma'am, I am going to have to ask you to calm down" comment. My daughter and her BF went to his house since ours lacked what she needed to stay alive. My husband and I were alone, stressed, and needed a distraction. We found our distraction. I made the Asian dish. Our guy came and said it bad, but it was all fixable. I had a great dinner with my mama over a $5 pitcher of Margaritas.

I think if I hadn't forced myself into my little I can do all things song, I'd be really upset still. I am disappointed at this particular curve ball. I am not crying though. Freezing a bit. Wondering how long this is going to take to dry out so it can be repair. Really grateful that my husband's boss is soo understanding. Really aware of how kinda messed up somethings are in my life. Wondering a lot of things. Exhausted. Due for a shower. But not crying.

I can not go to the dark side. They might say they have cookies but they are like almond windmill cookies, and really who wants those?

So, not the best day of my life...but not the end of my life either. Please though if you are over, the weird blanket covered hole in the living is not a disaster but a portal to another level that you can only access if you have special powers so...maybe you could sing it with me: I can do all things, I can do all things, I can do all things, I can do all things!

and just in case you aren't sure what the whole I can do all things is about take a look at Philippians 4:13

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I am predicting a posting drought....

I am starting a job next week, so there is a 99.9% probability that my posting my drop off for a bit.

I know I said I wasn't going to do contract jobs anymore, but it isn't exactly like anyone else is picking me for their team. We've been running at a deficit for awhile. Well, kinda, I realized that when my husband told me this that he probably figured it on only his income and I have had some income coming in so we've probably been marginally okay the past couple months. Anyway, as much as it feels like every temp job is just a step away from ever getting hired on anywhere, I couldn't say 'no'.

Maybe my thrilling call center adventures will give me something to write about. I've spent so much time in customer service I am really amazed that I even like people anymore. Anonymity sure brings out the worst in people. Kinda makes you want to remind some of them that you have their address right in front of you and that you know people who will do things for a case of anything and gas money.

Maybe it's the distraction I need to get somethings in order. When I am working things have a way of falling away and falling into order. Well, okay, not always, but I think they will. There was a day back in October where I felt good about everything. I took a grocery trip with my son on a Sunday and just I don't know how to explain it other than it just felt like everything was looking up. Then, four days later my contract got cancelled.

Just wanted to put that out there because I know that there are some readers who don't actually know me in "real" life.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

What's in a name or should I stay or should I go?

I have this particular blog up for awhile. I covered this at some point and if I wasn't so lazy I would find the post and link to it. But anyway, I originally started this blog under this title because I was going promote fundraising things and whatnot. I don't mind the title but it seems restrictive. Do I just ignore that and keep pressing on or do I change it and lose what has been built up over two years?

See, I have a much better title idea. It's one of those titles that I could encompass my entire life under and it's way more fitting. It's a title I could own. But I couldn't just change the layout of this one because one title with a tisbetter2give.blogspot.com doesn't make that much sense. Although, in light of the title in my head, it could cuz well, just trust me the title in my head lends itself to illogical hodgepodge.

Illogical hodgepodge. Story of my life.

I just don't know. I have had more than one person this week make a comment to me about my writing. It's like breathing to me, but apparently it means something to others too. I just feel restricted sometimes by the title.

Does it matter? I mean would you care if your Kindness in Giving page talked about crazy stuff that sometimes wasn't kind or giving or loving?

I am making a scrinchy face now because I just don't know. I would love to take this and make this what I need, what my family needs, what my readers need BUT I just don't know. How do you build something like that. Is it possible to have this name and attract people or do I need something cooler.

I have something cooler. Like it's like I am totally in love with it cool and twenty, thirty years from now it would still probably be meaningful to me.

I could just go though. I mean, honestly, I have a hard time keeping on task with all this. There's a lot of work and I don't always have the time or technology to do what I need to do to seem all engaged and plugged in.

More scrinchy face. I do have a whole, um, business plan around this and if I were to focus there is a certain void this could fill. Can I focus though? I can't even decide about the title, so what do you think?

Extreme scrinchy face.


Saturday, January 12, 2013

Deleted most of the post but I couldn't waste the picture

Baby goats made uncute with Photoshop

 Actually, I deleted the entire post. A most personal "Ever Felt Like You've Sold Your Soul to the Devil?" post. I had started it the day after Christmas and worked on it since but I decided tonight that I wasn't going to give power to that thought.

Being negative about it is only going bring me more negative. Yes, I do feel as if my soul has been sold out. Yes, I totally am not comfortable with certain situations in my life. Yes, I am completely conflicted about EVERYTHING. The thing is if I keep being a whinerbaby I am not going to get what I need or be able to do what I need to do. I have to believe that find God in this situation and I have to follow that lead. Or something like that...

Because the post was originally titled something about my soul to the Devil, that's where the picture came in. Goats are creepy. Even cute little baby goats. I don't know why I feel that way, probably some traumatic Young's Dairy experience that I can't fully remember. So anyway because the original post mentioned the devil and I think goats are creepy and I got a new toy for Christmas...shrug...I made unholy goats. What can I say everyone needs a hobby.

So, yeah, accentuate the positive. Don't give to much power to the negative. Try to love people where they are. Pray that they can overcome their issues. Look for guidance from a higher source. And stop being a whinerbaby. That's pretty much where I am. It's not a head in the sand. It's being one of the only sane people being able to look at a situation and know that despite how insane, crazy, f'd up a person or situation is...there is still hope. There is always hope.

I forget that sometimes.

I am sure we all do.

Enjoy the goats.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Judge not lest ye be throwing stones at black kettles or something like that...

This morning I have been partying like it's 1994 which means mostly I have been sitting on my ass drinking coffee and Mountain Dew (albeit diet these days) trying to simultaneously manipulate and validate my mood with music. Unlike 1994, I am not relegated to my room to do so and I don't have to call Julie to run me anywhere. Sigh. I have things to do. I just have no motivation. I still am sick from this plague going around. Just coughing mostly, but really tired.

Of course, I could be tired from the weird dream-state I was in overnight. I got a lot of free groceries. I remember that vividly. It was an error on the part of the clerk and I tried to make it right and no one would let me. There was a lot of driving around, too. Just a very strange dream. Not as strange as the one last week where my husband got arrested for not wearing a seat belt and somehow I ended up in jail but nonetheless strange.

Everything is strange. I have been thinking a lot lately about the thin line between being judgmental and making thoughtful decisions to the exclusion of others. I am not talking about hate, this isn't going to be some weird diatribe or manifesto about why we should round up all the Bieber-believers or some ridiculousness like that. This is much more subtle.

I get the whole "he who is without sin" thing. (John 8:7) Well, I mostly get it but here's the thing...I am not perfect and I know where I have been better than anyone...it took awhile (hell, I am still working on it) but learned from and changed from my experiences, good and bad. If I were still trying to shove square pegs in round holes, I wouldn't be sitting here in the comfort of my living room contemplating how far I am supposed to extend my compassion to people who are still chasing there tails.

Sigh, I know there's a bibical answer there, too. Seven times seventy. (Matthew 18:21-25)  I think that interpretations of that really are illogical to me. Again, I am not perfect but I am also not chaotic. I have spent a lot of my life being called stuck-up because of things I do or don't do. I am okay with that. I don't like being held over the barrel in situations that I feel are not good in my heart of hearts. If my Spideysense is tingling, it's not a call to go ignore it and go grab a burger with Mary Jane. Freewill has to come in play somewhere, right? Survival and sanity count for something, right? Eventually someone loses at Russian Roulette, right?

Cryptic and vague today. I can't fully expound upon what I am thinking about. A few of you know some of the minor details. I am not trying to be an island. I just don't like playing with people in a room where there is so much stuff swept under the rug that the table almost touches the ceiling. Sigh.

We're all broken. Own it. Grow up. Move on. Or something like that.

I can't help you. I can't help anyone.

But how do I separate myself from the drama? What if I can not gracefully remove myself from the situation? It's someone else's web I've been flung into. Actually, it's more like a minefield, and I don't know if you've ever watched me walk but I am no good at tiptoeing. I've tried mending fences and building bridges but it's not ever going to work if only one party involves knows a good carpenter.

Detach with love I think is what they call it, and it sure comes off the tongue a lot easier than it can be enacted. If everyone else is happy as a pig in well, you know, then who am I to keep advertising the benefits of a buttermilk bath? I just know that life doesn't have to be this enormous suck hole of blackness and despair. I am trying to be patient and supportive but I think that before the end of this year there is going to be a great schism in my life. I can't play the roles that people need me to play to quantify their illusions.

Round pegs go in round holes. Square pegs go in square ones. It's not a judgment call. It's fact. It's the truth. And you know what they say about that...you can lead a friend to Truth but you can't make them think.

What do you think?