If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. ~Bob Hope

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Captivating title wanted...

I should have gotten a livejournal, at least then I wouldn't feel so bad about not having an audience.

It is disappointing to keep putting oneself out there and not having anyone taking it. This blog, my other blog, my life, my stupid insistence that I need to keep trying.

For what? Continual disappointment. Perpetual sadness. Nagging insecurity.

If you keep reaching out and people keep running away, what is the incentive to keep trying?

My anxiety is through the roof today for various reasons. Mostly I am tired of trying, and tired of holding out hope and playing positive. Optimism is a luxury afforded people who already have what they need, so they can get what they want.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun

From an SEO point of view, I do a horrible job with my blog titles. I probably show up in a lot of searches for Pink Floyd.

I was lying upstairs listening to meditation music when that song title popped into my head. Since meditation is listening to God, I figured I would come down and listen to it.

I had started a different blog on a different subject but my whacked out sleep and heavy-heart are shifting me in a different direction. Not that my Rapture themed blog wasn't entertaining and informative. I just don't feel like finishing it.

Why the heavy-heart, Jen? Well, I don't know exactly. It isn't any one thing in particular. I tried to vocalize some of it earlier, but it just wouldn't come out of me. The sleeplessness is more a side effect of being generally wore down all the time and never really getting good rest. It was busy-ish weekend and I certainly paid for it today. It is the after dinner nap that is really doing me in right now.

I wonder if I am always supposed to be this disconnected. I have had plenty of counsel solicited and unsolicited about how to remedy the situation. I find myself back in the same place. Or at least it feels like the same place. I don't know.

I have noticed a few physical symptoms, and have been trying to remember the name of a book one of the minister's mentioned quite a few Sundays ago. Her husband, also a minister at our church, also has a radio show and is very frequently sent books to review. Spiritual swag. Anyway, this little book listed ailments and their corresponding spiritual block. She mentioned that she had been having a particular problem, and that when she flipped to that section she found it really insightful.

I did a search and came up with a completely interesting (to me) site that seems to be indicating that I may be having a spiritual awakening. My own personal Rapture. Woot! I have it bookmarked for more in-depth reading in the morning. What I have gotten through is fascinating. Plus, it is far more positive to believe that I am having a spiritual awakening rather than a nervous breakdown.

I gave up "thinking" for Lent. I don't know if I ever mentioned that, but it what I did. I worked at not (over)thinking things. I made a strong effort to be in the flow at all times. I did not pass go. I did not collect $200. Some of now is rooted in that experience. It was is very hard for me to live that way. Somewhere a long the line, I because this puppet-master character with a tangle of strings. It's the fear that gets me. Not knowing. I've spent a long time in a place where I felt like I had to know every thing. I don't know what it is about my family but I have noticed a definite sickness in the one up manship of knowledge. Experts on everything. I don't want to be that way. I am much happier that way...if I can sustain it.

I do not believe in any of this end times stuff literally. I made mention of a personal Rapture, and I do mean that. I think all of that is about shifts in consciousness. Paradigm changes. Etc, etc and on but I don't really have the fancy book-learning to back it up. I just know. And I don't need to throw a lot of other people's words around to prove my point because whether or not anyone else believes that way is none of my business. Every one's reality is there own. I may be part of it but I did not create it and I certainly don't perceive it in the same way as another.

So, it's good to know that I am not having a breakdown.What now? What comes next? Go snuggle up next to my husband and keep on keeping on. Later this morning seems like a good time to track down the Nemo DVD so I can remember how to keep swimming.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Lazy afternoon...sort of...

Cold and rainy here again. My brother has been here for awhile with his dog. It's been fun enough company the boy went down for a nap quite earlier than usual. Nice.

I know a couple of weeks ago I mentioned having a few things up my sleeve so to speak. I am finally at a place where I am excited to share. Well, the one I won't. I thought it would be good but it really wasn't for me. It actually made me think of Chuck Palahniuk's Lullaby. Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems that if life is imitating that art then maybe it's time to re-evaluate. Don't get me wrong, I love Chuck. I just don't want to live in one of his novels. So, you win some, you lose some, never hurts to try.

If my blogs have seemed less frequent, it is because I have started as a consultant with The Clever Container Company. A friend of mine introduced me to it back in February and I only recently became official. I am genuinely excited about building a business with them. I love the home parties, if only because it's a nice way to keep skills up without the hustle and bustle (and daycare cost) of a 9 to 5 gig. Since I am working with friends, even better!

I want to hold a party a week. I'm not looking to conquer Rome or reinvent the wheel. Just get out and about and make a little extra money. Not to mention, totally organize my house with great solutions!

That was one of the worse things about this past Fall is that we had barely gotten settled before Ryan lost his job. So, now here we are six months or so later with a mess. I stopped getting things together because I wasn't sure what necessities were really luxuries...or how long life was going to be that way. He may be back to work and I may be working on this but the road to recovery is far from traveled.

Clever Container is a lot of what I wanted in an company like this. Small, growing, supportive, with a lot of potential. I was really frustrated with other companies I have been affiliated with that had so many rules and regulations where I was never comfortable and never felt like I could be me or work the way that I am most successful.

I am running a blog for my Clever Container business because they have not yet implemented company rep sites. I wanted a place that I could post information that wasn't Facebook. I don't know if I am going set up anything on FB. It is a lot of work and sometimes not a lot of interaction.

cleverjennywolfe.blogspot.com is the page. Feel free to browse, critique, share with friends. Since I am still in an organizational phase, the content isn't as rich as I would like it to be but it will get there.

Til We Me Again~ Jen

Monday, May 16, 2011

Not all grey skies...

Not today. A better day.
Despite the absolutely abysmal weather, today has not been a complete loss. Sure, I haven't been motivated to do a hell of a lot but at least I can recognize my defects.

Tried to take the boy out to play and it was just too cold and wet to deal with. He was really upset, too. He is at that age where he can't always recognize the situation for what it is...he thought he did something wrong which upset him even more. It is really hard to explain to a two-year old that the conditions outside just aren't conducive to playing ball. Yet, for some reason he does totally understand that Netflix on the Wii is crap, and by crap I mean never works properly. So for the better part of the afternoon before his nap, he referred to everything that wasn't work as he thought it should as crap. Well, at least it was only crap I said.

My other half had lunch with the big boss today. That's always interesting to hear about. He seems to really be liking this new job. It's kind of weird really, it is nearly twenty of six and he isn't home yet. And by weird, I just mean hard to get used to sometimes. He used to always be home by quarter after, and even though I keep adjusting my cooking start, I still find myself trying to keep dinner warm. 

*Flash Forward through dinner and shopping with my daughter*

Just got back from shopping with Jordan. She plans to start jogging and needed shoes. Went to E-B and didn't find what she wanted, but picked up a couple of other things. Then we stopped at Goodwill, where we made out like bandits. She found a pair of practically new Reeboks for $4 and a few other things. I found a helmet for the boy for $2. Always nice to find exactly what you need at a good price. She wasn't in the market for Reeboks but you know what they say about the shoe fitting LOL

So, wow the day got better.

I still haven't accomplished much. And I certainly am not doing so sitting here on my hindquarters typing this but it's okay...