Saturday, July 29, 2006
NIN "Only" is playing right now. Seems kind of appropriate.
I'm starting to regain the happy place. I've done a lot of mental housecleaning lately. Four shots and an empty stomach probably isn't the most mature way to email people, but ever since I closed that door I've felt better. Otherwise, I would have hung the rest of my life on maybes and I'm better than that.
I told someone that I have been honing my misanthropy and contempt. I think it needed done. god knows, I've felt better for it.
Sitting here IMing with Lorrie. Isn't technology great? I can make pretend friends out of people I got into trouble with when I was younger.
Ok, ok, so I'm having a lonely sort of day. I'm not very good about lying about it.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
It's horrible of me, I know but right
now it feels so damn good to
get some cosmic, ummm,
vindication for lack of
any better word.
Oh and of course,
more of that old time proof
that I was right. I am right, and
I will probably still be right six months
from now. LMAO, because I can. It's funny
but I was thinking about him last night.
Thinking about how if he really did
love me...and it had nothing to
do with her. It had to do
with us, and him not
going. He could
It all would have
worked out eventually.
Oh but he was soo obligated to
her. Stars in his eyes and a weak
co dependent woman telling him
the things he wanted to hear.
One for the gag reel? That must be
one big goddamned reel to hold all
of your footage. Yes, giggling like the
wicked schoolgirl I've always been. Glad that
I'm seeing that it would have NEVER been what I wanted. Changing everyday my ass, less and less contact, heh. I think that's the biggest part of the whole insult. You still insist on treating me like I'm the kinda girl who just takes what ever is being sold.
This laughing feels good.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
- I have a hard time discerning casual conversation from being "chatted up" I suppose if all is really fair in love and war then all conversations with non-related members of the opposite sex should be construed as being chatted up.
- Some people say very odd things as casual conversation. The person I worked with this evening was like that in a Yoda-y, Zen master sort of way.
- Jordan can eat a Triple BK Stacker. I guess, I shouldn't have challenged her :)
- Jordan has disdain for cheerleaders that I did not actively instill in her. I was so proud.
- Brian Culbertson rocks.
- Chuck Mangione sure has done a lot of stuff that I know.
- Going to Sears Hardware braless in a tank top and jean skirt will get you more help than you need.
- Dayton is losing more jobs, possibly signalling that I will be stuck in that festering sinkhole of an office indefinately.
- I am scheduled 10 times in August. 10 times! Ugh!
- My alleged fascination with the men of technical theatre may lie in the swagger. I don't know why it never occured to me before. Yes, definately the swagger...and that's just something that not everyone of them has and it can't be faked. I feel cured :)
- I find I really dig the Raconteurs.
- I don't know what to do with myself.
I'm sure there were other things, but those are the highlights I guess. So tired. So bored. So disgruntled. So just aimless. It can't be this way forever, I will go crazy.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
"I am a deeply superficial person" -Andy Warhol
Aren't we all?
So, I was thinking about dating as I drifted to sleep last night. I'm realizing that I really need to define things before I jump back on that horse. Actually, I have been thinking about that for a while. Looking backward hurts my neck so I'm just gonna look forward. Without further adieu, here's my deeply superficial list of things that I am looking for in my next (and hopefully) last one (for a very longtime, if not forever).
v An ability not to conjure up the Pink Floyd tune "Mother". Really, that's not a good song for a girl you're trying to woo to get stuck in her head. I'm not saying relationships with your family are bad. I'm just saying apron strings and umbilical cords should have been cut a long time ago. There is a big BIG difference between a having a good relationship with your mother and being her co-dependent eunuch. I seem to get a lot of the latter. Maybe there is something to be said for orphans...
v A job, I know so completely unreasonable of me to expect someone to be a contributing member of society. I am flypaper for the unemployed, no joke. I used to make allowances for that based on other redeeming qualities. I now follow the Madonna philosophy,"Only boys who save their pennies make my rainy days."
v Taller than me. I've run out of patience for short men and their attitude. Although, I suppose they could say the same about me and my tallish chick attitude. There a multitude of reasons I can think of on why I would like this.
v Three up/Three down.
v I'm a little tired also of feeling much more manly than my dates.
v Discretion really is the better part of valor. "I'm not the type of kid who likes my biz in the streets" I've never been one to divulge every juicy details to my girls. I think it's called respect for the other person. Call me crazy, but I expect that from someone I am with. There are exceptions, but these exceptions only present themselves if I really like you and I really trust you. I'm not stupid, I know you need something to brag about and if you're really good and I really like you I might even back-up the most insane Penthouse letter you can conjure up.
v Stand by your man. Is it so much to ask for? You have my back, I have yours. Unfortunately, it's been a long, long time since I had someone around that I could blindly, stupidly defend. Sometimes that's all anyone really needs is someone who believes in them unconditionally. Someone who will back up all their idle affectations with action. Action really does speak louder than words, especially when those words are the shit you speak behind my back.
Err, I think that's enough for now. Maybe not as shallow as you had all hoped, but gimme a break this vapid thing is new to me.
Speaking of vapid, a certain so and so has sent me 2 or 3 emails this week. Um, correct me if I am wrong because I most certainly could be but if you're gonna get up in my bro's face and talk about me, you can't email me later like it never happened. There is no hey what's up allowed. Is she so daft that she didn't think that he would tell me? Hehe, my other bro saw her over the weekend and sent me a wonderfully long text message about it. I can imagine him and his friend hunching down in the booth at Steak N Shake to avoid being spotted.
There was a glimmer of employment hope on my answering machine today. I'm not going to get super worked up about it. I'm just going to take it as a small sign that I am not a worthless loser with a worthless college degree.
With that, I'm off...
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
"To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it; to go through intrigue spotless; and to forgo even ambition when the end is gained - who can say this is not greatness?" ~ William Makepeace Thackeray
Quote of the day on Wikiquote, I would suspect maybe someone is trying to tell me something. Or I could
just be trying to make myself feel a little better.
So much I could write about.
I'm really getting bummed out about the state of my financial affairs.'Specially with
the holiday season right around the corner.
I sent out quite a few resumes, hopefully I will get positive responses. I'm a little worried about gaps in insurance coverage and whatnot.
Jordan has to have some dental work done on top of her regularly scheduled cleaning.
Plus, she's due for her 6 month check on her eyes.
Well, I know I could get her in sooner than later, but things at the old job
have gotten worse and I am afraid of getting in trouble. On top of that
I have to coordinate it with the day camp schedule.
I have to work tomorrow night. I'm pretty sure though that if I didn't so
desperately need the cash I would quit.
I think one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made is moving to that damn condo.
I'd like to get out, but see above statement about finances.
My goal has always been to move by next summer,
but it's going to take a miracle for that to happen.
Sigh, all I ever wanted...it's hard not to think I went wrong somewhere.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
So, I've been perusing the old myspace tonight. I started out on one of my friends and clicked around. One thing that is interesting to me is some of the interconnectedness of people who don't know each other. I was noticing that some of the friends of one chick I know were also friends of another chick I know, but I know that they do not know each other. Just little stuff like that...
I may break down and do myspace. There are people there that I haven't talked to in years. We graduated and went our separate ways. I'd like to think that we could still have some of the same fun we used to. A few of them are old BBS friends. Although, one of them I came across is related to a ex-boyfriend that hope never finds me, so there is a big argument against myspace.
Work was okay. I ended up with parking lot duty which amounts to 6 hours of sitting and waiting for handicapped people to come so I can move cones to let them in. Six hours of contemplation...sweet!
I got a lot of my angst out earlier in the day so I'm feeling pretty groovy now. It's weird the way I get home from there and am energized. Plus, working there seems to be making the summer go at a slower pace. I dunno, it's only been a month since we came back from Florida but it doesn't seem like it.
What else? Hmmm...my previous predictions probably should be revisited.
My summer predictions:
1. I will still be watching the aforementioned programs I've hardly watched any TV, and when I do it's been movies or whatever Jo wants.
2. Things might get a little better, but only through the power of grain alcoholExcept for the 4th and Panic! at the Disco, I've hardly drank.
3. I will probably lose 10 or more pounds. (I've actually lost 5 in the last 2 weeks and I wasn't even trying. I find I keep forgetting to eat.) I am now down to 155 which marks an additional 5 pounds since I wrote that at the end of May. As I am not trying or making any effort to lose weight when I hit 150 I may make an appointment to see my hot doc because losing all this weight without actually trying probably means there is something wrong with me.
4. The closest I will get to taking up kickboxing is watching UFC. See previous TV comments.
5. I may collapse of exhaustion in August. (Something like 27 of the 31 days have shows scheduled) Not likely to happen as I've purposely requested like every other day off.
6. I will love my second job making me hate my real job more. Love is probably an overstatment, but it does make me feel that much more like slitting my wrist at my day job.
7. Sometime around the end of July, how I really feel will hit me hard and no one will understand. (Bonus if it happens during George Thorogood & the Destroyers) It's already hit. I'll be alright though. Last I checked he isn't the last man on earth.
8. I will finally find how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. Mmmmm, Tootsie Pop...
9. Jordan will take more steps toward being a horrible teenager, thus adding to my sadness and frustration. check, check, and double check
10. I will get sunburned in Florida. I did not. Nor did I really get any sort of tan.
Welp, kids I'm off to bed. I think we're going to go on a little day trip tomorrow so I should rest up.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
I was bopping around some dating sites. Nothing really piqued my interest. It looks like all the guys I didn't want to talk to 8 months ago are still there. I'm going to have to figure out this meeting people thing before the holidays. I don't think I can bear another holiday season mostly alone.
Whilst I was cleaning earlier, I was contemplating whether or not I should act upon some mild crushes I have. I'm heavily leaning toward no. Unfortunately for me, certain people's answer to being put outside the circle of trust is to talk all sorts o' crazy shit about me. I dunno, I guess it's time to find new places to hang out and new people to do it with. Sniff-sniff, I'm gonna miss you Trolley Stop but it's for the best. Sigh, I hate leaning toward no, it defeats the optimism I've been trying to cultivate.
I realize that I have said some fairly hurtful things this week. It's true what they say about the truth. I can't take any of it back; part of me wishes it was just me trying to be purposely malicious so that I could.
Nothing exciting on the horizon for me. I wish I could change that. I need someone to come in and hit me with the force of a Mack truck. Bonus if they aren't hung up on someone else.
Although, in lieu of all that, I'd settle for one tumultuous rebound relationship. The shorter, the better.
Perhaps I should just join the dark side, I certainly seem suited to evil.
Friday, July 14, 2006
So, even though I went to bed at , I couldn't tell you when I actually went to sleep. I tossed and turned and laid there in state somewhere more near awake than asleep for sometime. To say the least, it was a horrible night. Just on lack asleep alone I feel shitty. Ah, but add to that my dream and I'm pretty much worthless for the day. I'm not even sure a coffee IV would help at all.
Yeah, so of this dream...It was my wedding day, moments before my big entrance. Rob was the lucky guy...or unlucky since I created a small diversion and bolted. I'm not talking some high anxiety second-thoughts breakdown, but full on sprinting out of the church. I ran and ran as fast as I could like some horrible something was chasing me. Finally, I holed up under the stairs of this cottage that apparently belonged to an old friend of mine. It was the whole if anyone asks I'm not here, you haven't seen me. But it didn't workout, people found me and it wasn't pretty...
All I can do I guess is shake it off.
Funny thing about relationships is that you don't always know what the other person is thinking. I broke up with him 2 months ago. A lot has happened since then, mostly internally but a lot a lot. Maybe I'm not as scattered as I would have people believe because I know the answers to many questions. I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching, a lot of reading. I have had nights where I miss him, and nights when I am glad he is gone.
I've wondered what the private portions of their respective live journals say. I know that it can't be good based on her entry where she thanked everyone for their support during the girlfriend issue. I forget how she put it exactly, but it made me angry. Like I was just some game they were both playing that didn't work out. I think that is one of the things that really bothers me...he and I should have never been any of her concern. She should have never been a party to the relationship, but he made her one. When things would flare up, it always seemed like I was left on my own to defend myself because he was always on her side. Back to the private portions, because they share friends any future relationship would just be the vilified Jenny in a state of constant defense against an erroneously painted picture of me.
There's a whole lack of trust/comfort that I don't think even therapy could fix. I've had too much time to seethe. I'll admit there were some days in the beginning of the break-up where I kinda needed him. Things were happening to me, and they may have concerned him. Instead I kept to myself, luckily it wasn't anything I feared it was but that time with me once again being the solver of my issues really made me reconsider what life would be like with him.
That's all I've got to say about him...for now.
As for other boys...just indulge me in the fantasy that
In other news, I'm feeling like a horrible mother. Which shouldn't really be news at all?
I think I'm going to go Google pics of Davey Havok or something that doesn't resemble giving more of myself to this thankless job.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Why do I find AFI's Davey Havok so damned attractive?
I'm not ever going to find a different job, am I?
I'm always going to be in debt over my head, aren't I?
Should I play silly schoolgirl and take my CDs to Gem City to sell?
Did all the decent men move out of this area and take the jobs with them?
Why can't I just bitch slap people?
Why have I not been taking anything for my migraine?
Is there really pleasure in pain?
Or is it just an excuse to go to bed at 8:30 in the evening?
Tomorrow is another day, but will it be a better day?
I find myself thinking a lot about my high school sweetheart. I can't fully remember or totally explain the Last Boy Scout conversation, but it is totally appropriate to life lately. So, is it safe to say that Jon is the reason I am the way I am?
Is that not scary?
Sigh...what else can we talk about?
Davey Havok, did I mention he's attractive?
I'm off to bed...8:40pm...what a drag it is getting old...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
...closing the goddamn door...
It's funny how once you've seen something live, it totally changes your radio/cd version of it. I dig that song even more now that it has weird memories with it. So yeah, now I've totally got "I Write Sins, Not Tragedies" stuck in my head...
I was going to write a whole bit about how fun it's been looking at the Google News page at work and seeing news of Syd Barrett's death and the story about 'shrooms possibly having good mental benefits on the same screen. Just don't feel like it now. Although, my dad's coolness is further validated as I'm pretty sure he has the UK import of Pipers at the Gate of Dawn...original that he bought in 10th grade or so. He probably has told me where he bought it, sadly that place probably doesn't exist anymore. Damn this town...
Jordan just asked if she could dress me next time I have a date. I told her yes, but that it would probably be a longtime from now because I don't know anyone. Anyone at all. Jesus, what happened to the line-up?
Monday, July 10, 2006
Well kids, it's a day. Listening to Wilco right now, somehow it seemed appropriate.
Last night, I was IMing with a friend of mine. He made a comment that I seemed exasperated, and found it odd that he could sense that tone from what little I typing. Eventually, he told me that I should cry if I want to...after all it is my party :) Too numb to really cry, doesn't solve anything, never changes anything, really no point in it, now is there?
It's really hard to be optimistic. How long have I been looking for a new job? A boyfriend? A few extra dollars? A clean house? To eliminate my debts? To remove embarrassing sweat stains? To get
Last night, I dreamt of among other things, someone I dated a very longtime ago, an odd little dream to say the least. He was probably the last guy I dated that blindsided me. I never saw our break-up coming, everything was good, not perfect but good. I remember that night so well even now. I said a lot of things. Nothing I regretted then or now, especially since about two or so years after that we went to a movie when he was in town to see his parents. He told me that I had been right about a lot of the things that I had said. I hate being right. None of that was in the dream, I just sort of wonder why he popped into one. He's not someone that I think about often or anything.
There's no one reason for the way I feel right now. There is a mélange of all the "normal" stuff. I dunno, what's exacerbating it? In no particular order...
Well, that whole thing with my friend I have been sorta talking about. It's really quite sad how easily I swoon to him, how effortlessly my brain knits complex fantasies. I have a problem. It's not the first time I've admitted it. I just I've been trying to wrap my head around the why of it all. Even standing at work Saturday night, I could kick into that mode. Part of me wonders if it would make me really happy if he and I were to actually hook-up for real, for a change. Part of me kinda sorta really knows that I like to think about, like an artificial happy place (or a crutch depending on who you talk to.) So there is all of that and that mess of emotions and ponderings and etcetera etcetera...
As far as Rob and I go, I am more than most definitely sure that things aren't going to change the way that I need them to so that possibility of catching the train next time it comes around is probably into negative numbers by now. Which leads me to...
I'm going to have to reinstate the not dating anyone who has been married or had kids rule. The kids I might be able to bend, but it's unlikely because well, just think about it. Of course, at my whim, I can grandfather a few in but again pure fantasy because they didn't call me then what would make them call me now?
I'm a little scared about the possibility of Lorrie coming home next month. Everything she said she'd do as far as kicking my ass in to a better mood, and hooking me up with someone, she will make good on. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
I bet it's nice out today. Hot, humid and sunny...too bad I can't see it from here.
Sunday, July 9, 2006
I had so much to say but jesus I've been talking to Lorrie so I lost my train of thought. For a little while I was IMing with Rob, but I digress.
In the meantime a song played...always a song...
Come Back And Stay -- Paul Young
Since you've been goneI shut my eyesAnd I fantasizeThat you're here with meWill you ever return?I want you satisfied'Till you're by my sideDon't wait any longer...Why don't you come back?Please hurry, Why don't you come back?Please hurry...Come back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeYou said goodbyeI was trying to hideWhat I felt insideUntil you passed me byYou said you'd returnYou said that you'd be mine'Till the end of timeDon't wait any longer!Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry, Why don't you come back?Please hurry...Come back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeSince you've been gone...Opened my eyesAnd I realizeWhat we had togetherWill you ever return?I'll have you change your mindIf you won't stay mineJust love me forever!love me forever...Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry, why don't you come back?Please hurry!Come back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeCome back and stay for good this timeDon't ever leave me...
It's not going to happen, but it's nice to think about. I like thinking about it. It makes me happy. I hear it's not good for me though, to be so hung up on someone. Especially someone who has dealt me a great deal of hearache in the past, but seeing as he has never been my boyfriend or significant other in any sort of way, isn't really my fault for letting myself take the pain?
Ah, now Sisters of Mercy "More" is on, and Lorrie and I are talking about that one who keeps getting away...
Maybe tomorrow will be different.
Friday, July 7, 2006
Who am I kidding? I'm too too tired to type straight. All in all a good
So, who called my house at 12:24am and didn't leave a message? It's rude you
TGIF, even though I have to work a sold out show tomorrow: Eddie Money,
Loverboy, and Rick Springfield. Compared to Lifestyles Community Pavilion we
really are quite militant. Ironic considering that our crowd is on average
probably 20 years older than the crowd last night and far less energetic.
Maybe more later if I feel like...maybe not...
Thursday, July 6, 2006
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
A patient asked me out today. A much older man, and I have a feeling that he will try again.
I have an interview tomorrow. It's very odd, the jobs I have had no business applying for seem to be the ones that I am getting called in for.
Tomorrow is also the big Dresden Dolls/Panic at the Disco! trip to Columbus.
Sigh...in re: the happy place. It's still partially intact. One of the major problems is these little fantasy trips. It is amazing how stupidly the human mind with wrap around an idea. An idea, I might add, has never found fruition up to this point so why should I still have this optimism about the whole situation.
Oh, also it is intacted because I found gas for 2.95/gallon. Jesus, who'da thunk that I'd be happy about that?!
Tuesday, July 4, 2006
The whole waking up with"Don't Fade on Me" stuck in my head.
The day was pretty laid back. Really a good time...
Jo and I decided to see if we could snag a spot in one of the many parking lots near Delco. It's rainy, and really not worth fighting the crowd. We did find a spot, and when I grabbed my cell to check the time I noticed I had a missed call from a number I did not recognize.
It turned out to be a friend calling to tell me that she just found out that someone we grew up with passed away. The message alone would have been okay, except she felt the need to go on about the weirdness of someone our age dying.
Scrunchy face...if I died tomorrow...oh the things running through my head right now....
Sunday, July 2, 2006
Today I have been locked in a hardcore thinking pattern. Always written, never sent refers to a whole range of conversations, letters, whatnot that swim in my head but never make it to their intended recipient. In this case, it refers to one particular person in my life.
It's like the freakin' white bear curse or something. I don't try to think about it. It just creeps in, and then BOOM next thing you know I'm there again in that place I don't know how to get out of. Besides talking to myself, I have actually written a few emails to this curse, but sent them to myself.
Silly? Maybe, but it was quite helpful.
If I were to write one right now it would probably go a little something like this:
You suck :) I'm still waiting for your email. How am I supposed to know if I have to flip the couch cushion if you don't tell me?
So, I have been thinking a lot about things lately. Hmmm, and that something that you were talking about. Ever seen Empire Records? There is a scene in that...always makes me think of you and me. It's the one where Liv Tyler's character confronts that boy she likes on the roof and she's all pushing him around, telling him how stupid he is because he doesn't realize how special he is. Yeah, anyway...
Do you not think that I have never thought about that stuff? Now thanks to you...well, you and the last couple of months of my life I'm thinking about it again. You're such a guy. I have thought about this stuff in terms of life with you not always there, and I have always been okay with it. I've never thought it wouldn't work, I've just never been able to ask you to stay. I think that if I could be someplace else or you could be here, then well everything would be okay.
Anyway...I need a shower. I'll think of you :)
There's a whole world of people who need made fun of, a whole of people who need us to make fun of them. It's a pity, eh? It feels like it's never going to happen. Much the way it always feels like it is the relationship that I should always be in...so hard to explain.
I 'm off to bed. Thinking as hard as I have about things I have no control over is hard work.
I should, in all honesty, write it all out in an epic email and send it. Crossing my fingers that I get a chance to talk about this all with him...
I wish there was some one that I could talk about all this with, but unfortunately everyone around me is to jaded to understand this and what it is and has always been...